The 4th episode of Femme Fatales is their first real attempt at humor, and it wasn’t bad. As Speed Date begins there is a familiar sounding voice-over and a computer screen full of pictures. The voice is a man narrating his own online dating profile…

“I like a woman who knows herself. Confidence is beauty. There is nothing sexier than a woman who is comfortable in her own skin. An independent woman, with a spry personality and an old soul. That’s the one for me. I’m Troy, and when I’m in the outdoors it’s about freedom. I read. Losing myself in the pages of a good book is pure nirvana. Like an hour-long bubble bath, with ‘bath bombs’ from Bliss. My best friends are Charlie Parker and John Coltrane, without them, I am lost. Simply put – their music is the soundtrack of my life. 

 Yeah – I know I’m good-looking, but that’s not worth a hill of beans unless you find the right girl to spend life’s special moments with. And let me tell you – In this town, it’s been tough to find that special someone. If you’re confident. If you’re independent. If you’re open-minded, passionate, genuine, creative, funny…If you think you’re her, and you think we’ll click – Please, contact me – DocTroy77.”

As he describes himself, he is basically any woman’s wet dream, but as we soon learn, he may not be all he’s cracked up to be…

After the opening credits roll we get our first glimpse of Lilith. Oh Lilith, how we’ve missed you. Our lovely host informs us that Troy Kevin Freeman’s lies will get him into a ‘world of trouble’…

After Lilith and her awesome chair fade out, we learn that Kevin (Reginald C. Hayes, who also wrote this episode) is actually a video game designer, not a Doctor. I mean what kind of person claims to be a Doctor, when really they just sit at their computer all day? So it doesn’t take long to figure out why lying on dating sites is Kevin’s best chance to find lady-love. We quickly see him interact with Emily, who works for him, and get mercilessly shot down when he asks her out. The dude lacks game…but don’t we all.

So it’s back to the internet for Big Kev. His phony profile has garnered a lot of responses and he decides to answer one. That is when he sets up a date with Alexis…

Alexis is somewhat surprised when she arrives at the restaurant to find ‘Dr. Troy’ is actually Kevin the Video Gamer. Alexis makes clear her disdain for liars once Kevin admits he is neither a cardiologist or the actual man in his profile pic. Dinner isn’t going so well, then it takes a turn for the AWESOME! Hitmen show up at the restaurant and attempt to killed Alexis, but she is just too damn quick, and she ends all 3 of the would-be assassins.

Once they make their exit we find out that Alexis is an assassin herself, but that her boss – Raven – wants her dead for some unknown reason. Kevin has a couple good lines in here as he adds levity to the situation. – “My name is Kevin! Kevin Freeman, and I design VIDEO GAMES!!!” 

In the next scene we get some background on our Femme Fatale. Obviously drawing on Le Femme Nikita, she explains how she was taken as a child and trained to be a killing machine, and how she’s killed heads of state and so on. This is all explained while at a 2nd eatery, and Lilith’s cameo takes place here. Only this time, instead of her normally super-hot British accent, she has an almost as hot Southern accent. Booyah.

Kevin learns that despite the ‘Dr. Troy Jackson’ name he gave at the first restaurant, his actually identity has already been detected, and he is now likely scheduled for termination right along with Alexis. So the duo decide to pay a visit to the organization’s accountant Archie Becker. Alexis believes if she can get to him she can learn why she is being targeted. This is also about the time that Kevin refers to A View to a Kill as ‘Double-O Crap’. Hilarious.

This also sparks a conversation about why such a smoking hot super assassin was using an internet dating site. Alexis explains how she didn’t have a childhood and is pretty new to the whole dating scene. In other words, she doesn’t know she is too hot to resort to the web. It’s also around this time that a flashback shows us her first kill…

So Alexis is trying to get out of the business and that smells like motive for the hit on her head to me. She and Kevin then break into a costume store/warehouse to get outfits for the party being hosted at Archie’s. Upon seeing Alexis in a maid outfit, Kevin mutters: “Best Date Ever.”

So once they decide on disguises, they make their way to the party where they’ll find the accountant. It’s at this time that Alexis informs Kevin he will have a part to play once upstairs. The part of ‘The Owl’, an infamously dangerous international assassin. He’s the ‘Baddest Badass Contract Killer West of Berlin’. And he’s dressed like the King of Pop. He does his best to blend in…

Meanwhile Alexis (dressed as the 1960’s Catwoman) is attempting to seduce Archie (Who kinda looks like the dude who plays Kevin in The League). It’s around this time that she attempts to convince Archie that Raven wants him dead as well.

The King of Pop is mingling when he runs into a familiar face – Emily. She is at the party and apparently a dominatrix. They start making out, because, Hey – why not?

And that’s when he gets the signal to play his part…

Kevin busts in the room pretending to be “The Owl” and tells Archie he was sent by Raven. That’s when Alexis jacks him in the face knocking him out cold. Once Archie is convinced that Alexis just saved his life, he gives her all the info she needs. And then she kills him.

They make their way to Raven’s house and…

HOT DAMN! That looks delicious. I love onions and I’m getting hungry…

Anyhow,  as we meet Raven it becomes clear why we recognized the voice over earlier – It’s the Old Spice Guy, Isaiah Mustafa. He is gonna kill Alexis because she wants out. He can’t have that, no one has ever left the organization.

Kevin then says to Raven: “Let me tell you something Mr. Raven. Mr. ‘Im So Cool I Got a Black Chick’s Name”. Classic. He then goes on to explain how he meet Alexis internet dating. It’s so weak Raven believes it, maybe Alexis really is just desperate to get out. And once Raven learns that Kevin is the creator of “Planet of the Undead”, his favorite video game, he decides to let the 2 of them live. Or at least let them stay for dinner, with the always possible poisoning. That is why Alexis tells Kevin he’ll be trying the food first…

And that is about as happy an ending as you can hope for with this show. This is an episode I think I actually enjoyed more the 2nd time through. Less boobs than last week for sure, but Reggie Hayes’ delivery on many of the punch lines was spot on, and Lilith always makes things worth watching.

SPEED DATE – 3.5 Bears.