Craptastic Movie Reviews! – Grizzly Park

First off, let’s not associate any name resemblance between this rancid dog turd of a movie and our beloved Grizzly Bomb.

One is awesome, one is not. Grizzly Bomb is beautiful; Grizzly Park is ugly as sin. Understood? Good, then let’s start, shall we?

*Spoilers like a mother effer – because you shouldn’t care*

Ok, so here is the official synopsis:

Eight troubled young adults are sentenced to a week of community service in a remote California forest range called ‘Grizzly Park’. Under the supervision of the stalwart Ranger Bob, the group is given the opportunity to seek redemption on their journey through the forest. While Ranger Bob seeks to provide guidance to the young adults, an escaped serial killer with an insatiable blood-lust has also found his way into the park with every intention of disposing anyone in his path. But he is not the only predator in these woods; a nine foot tall, thousand pound ravenous Grizzly bear has also set his sights on stalking the group and attacking them one by one, leaving the group to face their ultimate challenge…survival.

Some nights when I’m writing I like to turn on a random, bad horror movie on NetFlix.

Well, tonight it was Grizzly Park and damn was it bad. I usually like to have a laugh during B movies, but this one couldn’t get one chuckle out of me. The most famous person in the movie was Glenn Morshower who starred in minor roles in both Transformer movies, and also played ‘Secret Service Agent Aaron Pierce’ on 24. In Grizzly Park, he plays ‘Park Ranger Bob’, the man in charge of overseeing the group of the young imbeciles who are doing community service. These morons are responsible for misdemeanors ranging from computer hacking to prostitution.

For some integral-to-the-plot reason, they are doing their community service picking up trash in a very remote forest where no other campers or hikers are to be found…so there is a lot of trash.

There is also an incredibly unnecessary subplot about an escaped serial killer being on the loose in the woods. Funny thing is, he doesn’t kill one of the community service kids because he instead tries to have a knife fight with a killer bear. Brilliant,  brilliant man. The bear wins big time eating the serial killer’s face off, much to my delight. The rest of the movie was a ‘paint by numbers’, one-by-one kill fest.

All of the offenders? Eaten by the bear. However, four of them were actually killed off-screen, which needless to say, was quite disappointing.

Actually, take that back, there was one huge twist; the first girl to die was run down and killed…by a wolf. A fricking wolf. I thought this was Grizzly Park?

Other notable kills included…

  •  A guy wearing a sweet bear suit getting the top half of his head knocked off by a real bear.
  • Girl getting the bottom half of her body completely devoured.
  • A guy being pulled out a window by the bear, resulting in the girls trying to pull him back in coming away with his severed arms.
“Excuse me good Sir, can you spare a cup of sugar?”

Probably the most unexpected way of someone dying occurred in the last minutes of the film: One of the girls, Bebe, was questioned in a brilliantly acted scene by the guys if her boobs were real or silicone. She awesomely replies with, “Silly cone?”, and insults women everywhere with her stupidity. So after talking to someone on the phone about how everyone was dead and she didn’t give a rat’s ass or learn anything, she walks outside to find the bear waiting. The bear takes a swat at her hitting her chest, and a bloody “Silly cone” implant flies and hits a tree. She, of course, dies from that.

Thank you Grizzly Park, because the whole movie my only questions were “Are Bebe’s boobs real?” and “Why am I watching this movie?”.

The very last scene reveals that the bear killing everyone is, in fact, anger Bob’s pet and buddy. He takes criminals out to pick trash in the woods hoping they will change, and if they don’t he has his effing bear kill them. CLASSIC! Now I must go vomit.

If this sounds awesome, maybe I described it wrong. I’m not saying don’t watch the movie, by all means, do, you may get plenty more out of it than I did. But you’ve been warned.

I understand what they were aiming for, but they just didn’t get there. This movie gets a well deserved 0.5 of 5 on the Grizzly scale. It earns this dismal score for the uninspired agony it put me through, and the most off-screen deaths I’ve seen in a horror movie! Scandal!

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Star Wars: The Clone Wars – 3 Episode Review (The Citadel, Counterattack, Citadel Rescue)

The following is a review of a three episode story arc including the episodes The Citadel, Counterattack and Citadel Rescue. So, obviously, there will be spoilers.

I loved the recent Citadel arc of episodes. As I mentioned before in an earlier article, the first half of the season seemed a little stale, and even boring at times. It wasn’t until after the show’s winter break that it was back with a vengeance. Beginning with the Savage Opress trilogy, followed up by the Mortis episodes, and now making a dash towards the finishing line with the Citadel three episode arc.

The scheme of ‘episode trilogies’ has definitely paid off. I, like so many other watchers enjoyed the show, but thought that some stories felt rushed trying to fit into a 22 minute show. Having three episodes with a continuous story just makes it have that much more impact. In season 2 there were four episodes that interlocked to deal with the second invasion of Geonosis, and it paid off well.

Now to the Citadel. The Citadel is a heavily defended prison on the planet Lola Sayu (think what you will of that planet name) that specializes in imprisoning Jedi. It is run by the sadistic and butt ugly Warden Osi Sobeck and is boasted to hold no escape for any prisoner.

The newest residents at the Citadel are none other than Jedi master Evan Piell and Captain Tarkin. The two hold information that the Separatists desire, which are the space lane codes for the core worlds of the Republic, known as the Nexus Route. Of course this aggression will not stand man – So the Jedi council dispatches a strike team to rescue Piell, Tarkin and the codes stowed away in their brains. The method they used to infiltrate the fortress prison is a familiar one, borrowing from both Return of the Jedi and the Clone Wars digest titled Shipyards of Doom.

A team made up of (surprise!) Anakin, Obi Wan, Rex and Cody have themselves frozen in carbonite to avoid detection by lifeform scanners, while R2-D2 leads a squad of re-purposed battle-droids to fly a captured Separatist shuttle onto Lola Sayu. The animators for the Clone still continue to outdo themselves. The environments and visuals throughout the story arc are breathtaking. Lola Sayu is an impressive sight when seen for the first time. The purple hued planet looks it had a bite taken out of it by something, it’s core completely exposed and chunks of creating a debris field above certain parts.

The fun starts as the Jedi infiltrate the planet and free the captives, Tarkin having one half of the codes and Master Piell the other. The episodes go very fast because of all of the action occurring with our heroes throwing down against shield wielding commando droids, crab droids, STAPs and Anoobas (tracking animals).

A very hungry Anooba

Besides all of the action, there were nice interactions in between to sort of foreshadow the future relationship between Tarkin and Anakin. Tarkin makes it clear throughout all three episodes that he doesn’t approve of the way Jedi are handling the war. He believes that peace keepers cannot lead a war effort because they don’t have what it takes to make certain decisions that go against Jedi teachings. Anakin agrees with Tarkin, stating that sometimes the Jedi code inhibits their efforts to do things that are sometimes necessary. And as we all know, Anakin has certainly skirted the edge of the Jedi-Code. In the season 2 when he choked out ‘Poggle The Lesser’ in Jack Bauer fashion to get information. Not to mention his Padawan days, spent slaughtering families of Tusken Raiders. They both also make clear to one another their personal relationships to Chancellor Palpatine which makes the three of them standing before the Death Star at the end of Revenge of the Sith all that more powerful.

Tarkin’s character model itself definitely did Peter Cushing justice and the voice actor, Stephen Stanton did an admirable job of portraying a young Grand Moff.

Tarkin and the Jedis…

Jedi Master Evan Piell was a very welcome addition to the Clone Wars, he was stern and a little grumpy most of the time which only made me like the diminutive Lannik (species) even more. It was also interesting to hear him speak with a thick Russian accent, which I think fit the character well.

The whole time these episodes went on I thought there was nothing to worry about in regards to the Jedi characters, except stowaway Ahsoka, since they all survived through the Clone Wars. But in a glaring snub to Expanded Universe continuity, Master Piell ends up getting killed in the last episode. I was very disappointed by this, not only because Master Piell was a kick-ass character, but also because that ruins continuity for the Coruscant Nights trilogy of books following Master Piell’s Padawan Jax Pavan. In the first book Master Piell is taken down fighting against Clone Troopers continuing their execution of Order 66. Sure the Clone Wars death scene was far more dramatic and touching, but I hate when they screw up established continuity. They did the same with the Mandalorian episodes last season. I suppose it is a sign that Lucas and Dave Filoni, the Clone Wars director, are becoming less and less worried about the Expanded Universe. So unless they retcon the whole issue, and Evan Piell is lava proof, fans of the books will just have to bite the proverbial bullet.

In the end, the Jedi are rescued and Osi Sobeck is chest stabbed from behind by Ahsoka. Osi Sobeck was definitely a sadistic character who despised Jedi. (What Star Wars villain doesn’t?) It was ashamed that he did not survive for another story arc in the future. And let’s face it he didn’t have a name like ‘Veryevil Badguy’ or something to that effect like most of the Clone Wars villains.

After such a good arc, it will be hard to follow up. But I’m sure with the finale next Friday Chewbacca will be up to the task to keep us entertained. Stay tuned for my review of the finale!

ARKHAM CITY – New Game Trailer!

The follow-up to the immensely popular Arkham Asylum, released in 2009, is set to hit stores in October. The game is titled Batman: Arkham City and it is without a doubt, the most excited I’ve ever been for the release of a game. I’m not a huge ‘gamer’, so for the most part I wait and buy my games used. Arkham City however, has been building anticipation far too long for me to wait on. With this game, I’m gonna be one of the cool kids, and I’m gonna buy it on day one. No waiting around this time.

My excitement has been building since December of 2009 when we got this teaser trailer:

No big surprise that the Joker has recovered from the wounds suffered in the first game, but his appearance definitely set a tone, and people got excited.

As 2010 progressed we discovered more and more details, and suspicions about which characters would appear started getting confirmed.  In the fall of 2010 the game developers released a large number of screen shots online, and again, excitement swelled.

Harvey Dent and Selina Kyle are both sure to complicate things for the Bat…
Harley! You’re animated, stop being so hot!

Then, come December they gave us this:

That was enough for me. I was sold. After all, the first game was undeniably the best superhero game ever made, there was no way I was skipping this. Plus you know, my whole ‘Batman Obsession’ thing…

Earlier this week, Rocksteady Studios and Warner Bros released the first full length trailer. No more teasers, just a good old fashion, over 2 minute trailer.

This, is that trailer…

Holy Crap. That was awesome.

“This Ain’t No Place for a Hero.”

Those are the lyrics that so brilliantly echo throughout the trailer for Arkham City. They seem to ring true as Gotham appears to be over-run by Batman’s ‘Rouges Gallery’. What was once a great city now appears little more than a run down Hell-hole. And that’s no place for a top-notch Hero to reside, but like Jim Gordon said at the end of The Dark Knight:

“Because he’s the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now. So we’ll hunt him because he can take it. Because he’s not our hero. He’s a silent guardian, a watchful protector. A dark knight.”

This Ain’t No Place for a Hero.” Just think about that. The most famous “hero” in all of the comic book universes is Superman. Supes resides over beautiful Metropolis. A big shiny city full of live. Gotham on the other hand is dark and dank and mostly filled with despair. The great twin cities of the DC Universe are as different as their protectors. And while Superman is for sure the protector of Metropolis, I look at him as more of a do-gooder than a hero. Superman faces very little personal risk, as he is almost never in peril, while the Batman is subject to all sorts of deathly situations. Metropolis completely accepts and embraces Superman, an outsider, while Gotham native Batman is hardly afforded the same accommodations. That makes Batman endeavors even more heroic. Jim Gordon was right, Batman is not their hero, he’s more than that. He is what the city needs, even if it doesn’t want him.

This time around though, you will have to be the best Batman you can be if you want to save Gotham again. IGN is reporting that the Riddler and his trophies will be back, but significantly harder to obtain this time:

In Arkham Asylum, Riddler trophies were found somewhat easily — you just found them by spotting question marks painted on walls and ceilings. Things aren’t as easy this time around. Though there are question marks viewable only in Detective Mode (Batman’s version of x-ray vision), they often point in the direction of informants who know the nearby locations of Riddler trophies.

Find these goons and you can beat the information out of them. But knowing the location of a trophy (which appears on your map) doesn’t mean getting it is easy. Many trophies are surrounded by traps or require some ingenuity from Batman to nab.

IGN also noticed something I missed in the trailer. What appears to be Black Mask, getting quite the beat down around the 26-second mark.

Black Mask

This Ain’t No Place for a Hero.

 

Arkham City is set to officially hit stores October 18th in the U.S., and on the 21st in Europe.

A Game of Thrones: HBO’s Next Potential Hit

April needs to move it’s ass, because HBO’s next big series, A Game of Thrones will soon be upon us. To geeks such as myself who have read the four books currently out, it is known as A Song of Ice and Fire. The first season of the upcoming show is named A Game of Thrones after the first book of the series, which focuses on the seven kingdoms of the land called Westeros.

Westeros is a land not long removed from war. It’s previous ruling family – the Targaryens, were forcibly (understatement) exited from power. They fled to lands far away, where they now plot their return. The Targaryens present us with about half of the story.

As the other half plays out, we are entertained by some of the juiciest backstabbing scandals and political intrigue you can imagine. Between the seven kingdoms there is more deceit than you’d find on a Soap Opera, Law & Order and Jerry Springer combined. And it is all masterfully written by author George R. R. Martin, who worked very closely with HBO in the undertaking of Game of Thrones.

Martin’s world is a rather harsh one. I would put this story almost in the same vein as The Walking Dead, although riveting, there is very little to make you smile. The main characters you love go through traumatic and downright heartbreaking events, while the characters you love to hate find plenty of good fortune bestowed upon them. I’ve never been so hateful of a group of characters than I have of the Lannisters, who are the series’ most notable antagonists, but definitely not the only ones.

After watching the trailers and seeing the posters and production photos, I can almost guarantee you that this series will not disappoint. As a reader of the books, things look spot on visually and faithful to the book. The Iron Throne itself gave me the chills. The Iron Throne being the King’s throne, is made up of all conquered enemies. One character said it is the most uncomfortable seat, because being king should never be easy.

The Iron Throne looking super uncomfortable

You will get realism with politics and many medieval aspects that are mirrored by our own world. But you also get a touch of fantasy and magic in the mix, but nothing too overboard… except for the fact that dragons existed in Westeros not too long ago.

Game of Thrones

Sean Bean leading the cast is assuredly a smart move on their part. Boromir anyone? And Sarah Connor? Awesome start right there…

Game of Thrones

And now, familiarize yourself with the Seven Kingdoms for a minute. There are maybe hints or teasers of things to come. Not many true spoilers but be wary.

The Seven Kingdoms

Winterfell: The Kingdom in the North where winters can last years, the Starks rule over the land and it’s borders to the North hold “The Wall” which holds back giants, savages and strange beings called The Others. And no they didn’t rip off Lost. You’ll find out a little more about them once the series is in full gear.

The Vale: The Eyrie is the fortress of those in power in the Vale of Arryn and is entirely surrounded by mountains. They have an interesting array of prison cells and my favorite surprise… the Moon Door.

Rivverun: The seat of power of the Tullys who are the kin to Ned Stark’s (Sean Bean) wife. As you can probably imagine the main characteristic of their lands are indeed rivers.

Highgarden: The most fertile lands located in the region known as the Reach, these people pride themselves on their produce and flowers but they are a powerful house nonetheless.

The Iron Islands: A group of seven ridiculously harsh islands where the so-called “iron men” rule. They pride themselves on their seafaring expertise and their formerly glorious navy.

Casterly Rock: Located in what are known as the Westerlands which in turn are ruined by the Lannisters. They are basically the richest of the kingdoms, the head of the family Tywin Lannister rumored to indeed poop gold because they have so much of it. That theory is touched upon later in the series.

Storm’s End: The power located in the Storm Land’s and ruled over by the Baratheons who are an offshoot of the deposed Targaryens. A Baratheon, Robert, is the King of the Seven Kingdoms at the start of the series.

Dorne: The desert kingdom of Dorne is ruled over from its capital Sunspear by the Martells. Their kingdom was annexed into the seven by marriage to the now deposed Targaryens.

Game of Thrones

For those who skipped the trailer, the show premieres on April 17th.


Images: HBO

TERRA NOVA is Going to Crash Your Par-Tay This Fall!

During the Superbowl, I was very unimpressed with the movie previews we were treated to during the commercial breaks. Captain America seemed to be the only one that really stood out, but that was a ‘blink and you’ll miss it’ affair. But there was a TV preview that looked exceptional, it was called Terra Nova.

At first glance it looked like a movie, and being it was produced by Steven Spielberg you can’t help but think it’s going to be an instant hit. Initially I was surprised to see it was made for TV and not a major theater release. And I’m fine with it being on TV so as long as the production value is top-notch and there is a good cast.

The production value will remain to be seen past the trailer, but the quality cast is already evident upon seeing THE Stephen Lang, whom many know as ‘Colonel Quaritch’ from James Cameron’s Avatar. Here at Grizzly Bomb though, he is honorably known as the Party Crasher!

The story of Terra Nova revolves around a family living on Earth in the year 2149. The Earth at this point is a dying planet due to war, pollution and Justin Bieber overload.

Bieber – Ended!

A family, the Shannons, are then transported back in time 85 million years to the prehistoric era when dinosaurs roamed the earth. There they find themselves among a colony of humans called Terra Nova.

The Superbowl trailer teased not only with the show but also a sneak preview in May. However, according to an article at IGN the show will not be seen at all until fall this year. Not even a preview due to the effects not being finished. As much as I want to see Stephen Lang crashing a dinosaur’s par-tay, it would be best if they didn’t present us a preview with half-assed effects, that would just kill it for us.

But have no fear, if you’re in need of a Party Crasher fix, he will be with us soon enough in August when he destroys Conan the Barbarian!

The Anticipation of L.A. Noire

On May 17th, from Rockstar Games, comes one of the most anticipated titles of the year: L.A. Noire. I stumbled upon this title a while back on Gamestop TV. My first impression was that this was going to be Grand Theft Auto in reverse. The first preview (below) was vague, and not many details were revealed. The same was true of the article in the Game Informer. Now though, with this title’s release is rapidly approaching, more and more details are being revealed, and each detail more enticing than the last.

THE GISTL.A. Noire takes place in the year 1947. The main character, ex-marine Cole Phelps, is an up-and-coming detective working for the LAPD. Throughout gameplay, he works his way from a low-ranked uniformed officer, to a traffic detective solving gruesome hit-and-runs, and finally to arson and homicide detective. Phelps goes through interrogating suspects, finding clues, and trying to crack open the truth about the dark side of L.A.

Picture from IGN…obviously

GAMEPLAY – L.A. Noire allows you to have the open world experience, without making it mandatory. There are action scenes, and there are driving scenes, but mainly from case to case. When you reach the crime scene, you will collect evidence, note witnesses which you will later interview, and look for clues. You will travel to the police station, which may or may not be corrupt, and interrogate suspects.It seems, if you are looking for a brainless action game, this will not be your cup of tea.

I’m sure a lot of you have heard by now that this game will be using a brand new form of technology called ‘MotionScan Facial Recognition’. It’s the first major video game to utilize this technology.

The acting and the storyline are said to be raising the bar for all future video game developers. The campaign will supposedly take 25-30 hours to complete. Personally, I think this is a huge improvement from more recent releases such as Medal of Honor and Homefront, whose single-player campaign is said to be about 5 hours long on average.

L.A. Noire appears to mix together all of my favorite elements from TV, movies, & books. A little bit of Law & Order, a dash of a James Patterson novel, and just a pinch of jazzy 1940s limelight and mmmm…. that’s some tasty gaming. I always said that I’ve seen enough Law & Order to be a great detective. Thank you Rockstar Games for giving me that chance.

Here is the official game trailer:

Conan the Barbarian – Reboot

Set to come out this August, we are finally starting to see some of the marketing for the new Conan movie. The movie stars Stargate: Atlantis alum Jason Momoa as everyone’s favorite Cimmerian.

Obviously he is no Arnold, but the merits of this casting choice really won’t to be known until we see the movie. Much of the other cast however, should be more familiar to you. Both Ron Perlman and Rose McGowan will both lend their talents for what seems like a good fit.

Well Lionsgate has released a teaser trailer and people are upset. The outrage come not from what they show in the teaser, but what they don’t. Take a look and see if you can figure it out…

Did you get it? Do you know what’s missing?

Of course you do.

It totally omitted the film’s villain – The Party Crasher.

The Party Crasher has been cast to play Khalar Singh, the movie’s antagonist. This is news we learned in May of 2010, and have since been patiently waiting to see footage. This is why, when we were delivered a teaser trailer that showed us nothing, we got upset.

We attempted to contact TPC, but he was too bust slaughtering film editors to be reached by phone.

Here’s to hoping the next trailer they release does a better job of portraying the true focus of the film, The Party Crasher.

Suggested revisions to the CONAN movie poster.
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