Tag Archives: Wrestling

WWE Monday Night Raw Recap & Review: 6/4/12

We open with a really over the top dramatic recap of last weeks raw, complete with wailing middle eastern music, showing Big Show further emphasizing his new heel turn, as he beats on fan favorites Santino and Zack Ryder. Big Show is exactly the kind of heel I like, and its been a long time since he’s been the unstoppable big monster character. Most importantly, his motivations, while simple, make sense, are consistent, and it’s fun to watch him really be the big bad he should be. Mark Henry does this sometimes, until he suddenly decides not to, and fades away into the ether for a month or so. Michael Cole comes out, and summons John Cena to the ring, (I mean, not literally, but that’d be a great gimmick for both of them), blaming him for Show’s heel turn and Show’s subsequent actions. They argue back and forth awhile until John Laurinaitis shows up in his super scooter, ( love it) and gives Cena a match, as long as it’s not against himself, or Show in turn, as his contract now guarantees rest days. Cena parades around, and then challenges Michael Cole to a match, because reasons, while Cole protests, screaming to Lauriniaitis to reconsider.

After the break, Cole confronts Laurinaitis backstage, begging to be relieved of his match with Cena, which makes Laurinaitis smugly and directly dismiss Coles pleas. It’s possibly the first ever truly crowd pleasing decision he’s ever made, and he wheels out of there, leaving Cole standing, dumbfounded.  Vickie Guerrero enters the stage, and announces Dolph Zigglers entrance, stating that DZ is “Better than you, at everything he does”, which will probably piss off Jericho whenever he returns, since that’s literally a word away from his catchphrase, which was a huge point of contention just a few months ago when he feuded with CM Punk over who was “best in the world”.

I’m glad Ziggler is getting back into singles matches. I liked his team up with Jack Swagger, but the WWE never seemed keen putting them as legit tag title contenders, nor do they seem interested in an actual tag division lately, as their current champions, R-Truth and Kofi Kingston seemed to be teamed up for no reason other than “both are black?” I digress, since the match between Ziggler and Sheamus served as a pretty good example of yet another case where we see Ziggler show us how to make losing look really good. Nobody takes a brogue kick to the face like Ziggler.

This is actually from an older match, but JESUS GOD.

Sheamus celebrates on the ramp, pounding his chest like usual until he’s interrupted by Alberto Del Rio and Ricardo Rodriguez, who beat the tar out of him, and Del Rio puts him in an armlock, totally hurting Sheamus’ arm for realsies. Backstage, Laurinaitus is approached by the inimitable David Otunga, who mentions that next week, Vince McMahon will be returning to give Laurinaitus a job evaluation. No word on whether it’ll be NO CHANCE IN HELL Vince, Kiss my Ass Vince,  YOU’RE FIRRRREEDD Vince, or just business man Vince. Either way it’ll definitely be a thing that happens. Ahem.

Sin Cara’s new entrance is interesting, because pre-injury he used to enter the ring with a jumping flip off a trampoline that the cameras desperately didn’t want the viewers at home to know about. Camacho and Hunico, shock of shockers, are actually on Raw, and despite their gimmick being really lame and borderline offensive, Hunico manages to pull off a successful jobbing to Sin Cara, and Sin Cara’s push continues.

The undefeated Skip Sheffield Ryback, makes his official debut on Raw. It’d seem they’re trying to get more of the talent from Smackdown on Raw lately, as Smackdown has made a considerable improvement from B-Show to actually-kinda-interesting side-show in the past couple months. Ryback reminds me of those old generic wrestling figures you’d beg your mom to buy you in the dollar store, only come to life, right down to his “taunt” being the inability to move his arms laterally. The two local jobbers they have this time, have a terrible moment trying to read their awful lines simultaneously, and are quickly dispatched by Ryback, who belts out his catchphrase, “Feed me more!” because he apparently craves young skinny man flesh.

Punk and Kane are now having a weird triangle feud with Daniel Bryan, as Kane has been used as an instrument by both Bryan and Punk in their respective feud, and Kane isn’t really having any of it from either of them. Bryan comes out ringside, stands on the announcer’s table, and cuts a quick Q & A promo. I love these because it gives the audience a great chance to shout “Yes!”, or in the case of this particular audience, shout “No!”. Either way it’s great for Bryan , because he makes a great heel who gets exactly the right kind of heat he should get from an audience, regardless if they hate him or love him. Do I love him? Yes. Yes, yes, yes.

CM Punks match with Kane is pretty typical, he’s very accomplished at elevating his competitors moves, and making all their spots look really great for both. It’s a testament to his ability, that he makes Kane look good, because frankly, Kane has lost it, and his fruit roll up mask does him no favors in making him any better than he was in the Attitude era, or even a few years ago. His new/old gimmick doesn’t work, because all of his decisions are so stupid and random. ( hurr imma attack Randy Orton for no reason! He’s not invincible or anything!) Granted that was a few months ago, but his character hasn’t really done anything interesting since he suddenly returned after somehow growing two feet of hair in a month or so.  After some struggling and mild interference from Bryan, AJ comes out, ostensibly trying to point out Daniel Bryan’s interference, until Punk gets distracted attacking Bryan, and loses to Kane via choke slam. Of course, there’s then a woman in the ring with Kane, which means its time for him to threateningly stand there, until AJ strangely smiles at him, probably trying to use her mind powers to calm his “inner beast”. Or maybe he was just awestruck by her hotness, didn’t know what to do, and left like an awkward high school teen? Kane is dumb, is what i’m saying.

AJ is going further down the crazy/aggressive/effing super sexy route, and starts sexually intimidating Josh Matthews. Well as much as she can in this new PG era. I like seeing her assert herself, I like seeing her character interact with Punk and Bryan, and most of all, I like seeing her in short short cutoffs.

Big Show as a heel works. This was a good video package, and I’m stoked to see him feud with any and everybody who he deems is in his way. It’s a welcome return to his “unstoppable giant” character, that I loved from his old WCW days. I approve.

Both Kofi and Truth show up visibly bandaged from their attack by Big Show last week, and throw down against Hawkins and Reks, in a fairly anemic tag team match. It’s hard to get involved in a tag match, when both teams don’t really have any chemistry, and it makes the whole thing forgettable and boring. Also Kofi Kingstons theme song is the worst thing to ever get stuck in your head ever, and I hate it with an unholy passion.

The entire night, Michael Cole has been fearing and dreading his match with John Cena, and has been trying to find some sort of way out of the match, even going to such lengths as to beg all the WWE fans on social media, to convince Laurinaitis to rescind his decision, via people power!

Right before the match begins, Laurinaitis comes out, and announces our real main event, claiming Cena will have to defeat Lord Tensai, in order to get his match with Cole. Cole is ecstatic, and we get a match of Cena pretending to be challenged by a fat, fake Japanese wrestler.  Fake Japanese as in a wrestler from Japan, not that Tensai is literally supposed to be Japanese, or that he didn’t actually wrestle in Japan, because he did, but he’s still just as boring to me as Cena is, his gimmick is really really lame, and the whole thing is fake to me. Tensai and Cena both suffer from big invincible white guy syndrome, and watching them both fight you’d think would be an interesting match, but I find them so inherently uninteresting. The only enjoyable thing about it was watching Cole really get jazzed about Tensai defeating Cena, only to eventually smack Cena himself, leading to Jerry Lawler standing up and giving him an official Officials’ time out.

Cena eventually lands the 5 moves of Doom on Tensai, secures the win, and Cole attempts to run out of the arena, before being brought back into the ring. Cole first asks mercy from Cena, and attempts to settle things with a handshake, and is then goaded into taunting Cena, ends up poking his finger into his chest, until John Cena starts literally stripping him down to his underwear, and starts slapping him around, then forces him to apologize to Jerry Lawler and JR for all the feuds he’s had with them in the past. Then of all things, he starts forcing Cole to admit he loves JRs BBQ sauce, which of course, Lawler *always* keeps ringside. Cena drenches Cole in the sauce, and sprays him with a fire extinguisher, making it officially one of the more confusing and subtly homoerotic comedy matches of all time. Cena seems dominant right up until Lord Tensai jumps in and choke slams him, leaving us to think Cole will weasel another victory under his belt, but Robo-Cena kicks out, and adjusts Coles’ attitude, taking the win.

It’s not often you see the final match on Raw, ending with both participants covered in BBQ sauce, one spraying a fire extinguisher in celebration, the other stripped down to his underwear, wailing aloud. How do I feel about comedy matches being the main event of a PPV and now a Raw? I’m personally okay with it, as long as it is entertaining. I watch WWE to be entertained. I go in knowing I’m not going to see GREAT WRESTLING. If I want that I’ll pop in a Chikara or ROH dvd. Or look up regional matches on youtube. Like it or not, this is what WWE is now, and that will sometimes include slathering nearly naked men in BBQ sauce.


WWE Monday Night Raw Review – April 11th 2011

After what seemed like a long wait between Raws, tonight’s broadcast started off with John Cena’s moronic diatribe about how big his match against the Rock will be next year. Seriously John, I’ve already forgot about it because it’s a whole freakin’ year away, so let’s move on. And move on we do as Randy Orton enters the arena and gets in the ring, stating that someone who actually won their Wrestlemania match should get the next shot at the Miz. Orton is in turn interrupted by the idiotically named Prince of Parkour John Morrison. This guy is the last one I would want to see as a champion or even getting a title shot. Seriously, half the time he doesn’t even land his specialty move, but they just move on like nothing happened. This carries on for a few minutes as Dolph Zigler and R Truth both also come out to plead their case until the anonymous general manager computer chimes in. He or she states that a 5 man gauntlent match will determine who faces the Miz at Extreme Rules. (The next pay per view)

Before the commercial break we are told Edge has a big announcement, with rumors abound that his career is over. I kind of doubt it. Also we get to see Jack Swagger vs Lawler again, for the third time. If Lawler wins, he gets a piece of Michael Cole (again!) and if not he doesn’t. It would almost be worth seeing Lawler lose so the whole Michael Cole feud is over because I’m a little wore out from it.

When we return from commercial break there’s a strange promo with some crazy broad with an unseen face flicking the head off of a doll. Maybe it was Cole’s mom or something. Anyways, our first match in returning from commercial is Brie Bella vs Eve for the Divas Championship. Eve has the referee mark Brie’s hand so they can’t pull any of their switcheroo shit. Unfortunately through some distraction, Brie face plants Eve and pins her, effectively winning the Diva’s belt.

I’m not sure which one is Brie, but who cares right?

The next match is the Raw debut (first match) of new talent Sin Cara. It’s a refreshing change to see a new guy facing a jobber like Primo instead of all the usual guys fighting in the same matches week after week. And Sin Cara did not disappoint, because this guy has some crazy ass gravity defying moves going on. One didn’t work the first time but he nailed it the second try and it was so sweet it made you forget about the first one. I’m now eagerly awaiting Sheamus to attempt taking revenge.

After another commercial break we are treated to the Corre bickering with one another until Santino comes out with a group of superstars that he calls the Apple. Get it? Applecore? Yeah I can’t stand Santino either. Everyone in close proximity to him becomes as much of a joke as he is. Plus he looked completely fricking stoned, lord knows he has a terribly hard job being such a week to week turd. His group is made up of Daniel Bryan, Mark Henry and Evan Bourne. After a match that is already started before returning from commercial, we actually get to see Santino kind of wrestle against Heath Slater but unfortunately the horribly named Apple falls to the Corre. How ironic…. or stupid.

Even this guy’s action figure sucks at life…

After what seems like the twelfth commercial we are right into the Lawler-Swagger match. I don’t know what is going on for this episode of Raw but it seems like there are microphones placed all around the ring because we are treated to hearing the repeated droning of Michael Cole the entire match. And he repeats everything about four or five times. It was so annoying I had to mute the tv for the majority of the match. At the end in a gratifying moment, Jim Ross yanks Cole down from the ring apron and as Swagger goes to help him Lawler pins him for the three count. Lawler then makes his stipulation to Michael Cole, stating it will be a tag team match with Swagger whom Cole had just slapped for losing the match. So at Extreme Rules it will be Lawler and Swagger v.s. Cole and someone of his choice. Paint me not excited  either way.

And now to Edge. My previous assumption was completely wrong as Edge did indeed announce that he is retiring due to his injuries and advice from his doctors. Even though I was never a huge fan of Edge it is too bad to see him go. He was one of the most popular superstars around at this point and it will be interesting to see who is able to fill the void left by him. I salute Edge for his years he put into the WWE for the fans.

Without further adieu the 5 man gauntlent match begins. It starts off with Randy Orton and Dolph Zigler. Randy Orton seems to have it wrapped up but before he can execute his RKO, members of the New Nexus interfere and Orton loses with a quick pin from behind by Zigler. Orton is then beat down by the Nexus members and they once again prove how badass they are by beating someone three on one.

R Truth is the next contestant and he handily beats Zigler, so it’s bring on the next guy – John Morrison. It’s seeming more and more like we are going to see a Cena/Miz rematch unless Raw actually shows some originality. Not suprisingly, Morrison misses his lame Starship whatever move and R Truth takes him out and has to face John Cena. As the match progresses, I can’t really decide who I want to win. I’ve never been impressed with R Truth and his rapper persona, but I definitely don’t want to see a Cena/Miz rematch. I have to agree with Miz when he says that the people chanting “let’s go Cena” are pretty much five year olds and girls while the “Cena Sucks” chanters are everyone else with half a brain. As the match goes back and forth it appears Cena will win the Miz and Alex Reiley jump in and beat them both up resulting in a double disqualification. Miz did this because he didn’t appreciate the “you can’t see me” gesture directed at him. Afterwards the GM announces that the Extreme Rules pay per view championship match will now be a triple threat match between Cena, R Truth and Miz. I guess that’s better than another Cena and Miz crapfest. Let us know what you all think in the comments section!