Oh my, you can never get enough of what I call ‘Monster Mash’ horror movies, where some sort of predator is oversized to the max, or even better when two predators are combined into a hybrid killing machine. In Mega Piranha the predators in this case are…. you guessed it: mega-sized piranha.
This crap-fest starts out like a cheaply made rap video. A bunch of hussies in bikinis and two fat dudes drinking champagne on a boat headed downriver. But these aren’t rappers my friends. It is none other than the Venezuelan Prime Minister, and a U.S. Ambassador. Amidst their inane babble, one of the chicks on the boat freaks out and points at something away from the boat, and soon all of the girls on board are freaking out (for no good reason at this point). It turns out to be an alligator’s severed head slowly bobbing up to the surface. One of the boat hussies even obviously states to all who will listen, and I quote – “Oh my God! What could do that to an alligator.” Then the very crappy looking CG Piranhas attack, looking not so mega at this point. They not only attack the bottom of the boat, but these little bastards are launching from the water into the boat to take people out. Inexplicably this causes people on the boat to jump into the water to their deaths.
At this point, we are introduced to two characters. The first being our main hero Jason Fitch, who is only described as “being” special forces. (That’s right, the main character in a movie about killer fish is named Fitch). The other character is Secretary of State or Defense Bob Grady. I can’t remember which secretary he was because I was so thrown by the fact that it was the oldest kid from the Brady Bunch – Greg Brady. (aka Barry Williams). So Greg Brady is now Bob Grady…yeah. Anyhow he sends Fitch to Venezuela to investigate the U.S. ambassadors death.
Now we are introduced to possibly the three worst actors ever who play our scientists, and they are responsible for creating the mega piranha with their evil science and good intentions! Sarah the geneticist (played by 80’s Pop-Star/Has Been Playboy Model – Tiffany), Eli the marine biologist and Brian the microbiologist.
Right now I have to point out that this movie has some of the worst acting that I have ever seen, but I expected no less. A lot of it was to the point where I couldn’t help but laugh out loud, so this will actually help the movie get a better grizzly score at the end.
According to the “scientists”, the piranha are getting bigger and bigger every few hours because of their genetic tampering. That also means they are becoming even more and more mega. (I’m trying to see how many times I can fit the word mega in this review. I think that makes it six so far.)
Once Fitch arrives in Venezuela he is introduced to ‘Colonel Diaz’ who is super bad ass and obviously hates Americans. I couldn’t help but chuckle every time he says Senor Feetch! throughout the movie. So from this point on, I will also call him Senor Feetch for the rest of the review.
Senor Feetch knows that Diaz doesn’t like him and is letting him stay on base to keep an eye on him. So Senor Feetch sneaks out of the army base in broad daylight, but still stealthy as Hell. The couple minutes of his sneakiness are run together shots of him ducking around corners, rolling under cars and walking cautiously past the backs of Venezuelan soldiers. Senor Feetch is obviously the best special forces guy ever, and it is proven a hundred-fold in the next scene.
Feetch goes scuba diving near the boat wreck site to check things out. What ensues is a knife fight between our boy and a slightly mega piranha. He manages to cut it and distract the others as they feed on their friend and he makes it ashore.
By now I’m in desperate need of a horror movie kill and starting to grow bored with the movie until this happens:
Senor Feetch is on shore catching his breath. Cut to the water where a mega piranha shoots into the air in slow motion, almost twenty feet to the shore to attack Senor Feetch. Senor Feetch owns the piranha with his blade before calling Grady and saying exactly this over the phone:
“I’ve figured it out, sir. It wasn’t an explosion, it wasn’t terrorists. It was giant piranha.”
Seriously, who was the scriptwriter for this one? Improv would have been better.
So the scientists explain how it’s a good thing that a natural dam is blocking the piranha from spreading downriver, and it’s the only thing as well. Funny how that can stop the mega piranha when only five minutes before one jumped thirty feet out of the f–king water onto shore! Oh buddy, huge plot hole!
In a stunning display of Venezuelan military power and terrible special effects, Colonel Diaz takes three helicopters in the middle of the night and randomly fires machine guns and missiles into the river, destroying mega piranha left and right. Surprisingly they are not all dead.
The movie has a couple of piranha kills that are pretty generic, with the pool of blood bubbling up from the water with a lot of screaming and splashing. Nothing too exciting. I was expecting some spectacular piranha chomping, but was left high and dry.
The movie trudges along and before we know it there are mega piranha the size of cars launching themselves out of the water into buildings and everything in sight, one even impaling itself on a telephone pole. It truly keeps getting better as Senor Feetch bicycle kicks the shit out of almost a dozen launching piranha, like so:
The length and music weren’t in the movie unfortunately but you get the gist of it.
Throughout the rest of the movie, we are introduced to even more mega-sized piranha who launch themselves into battleships, withstand nuclear bombardment, and eat people on the land whole. I will tell you so you can sleep tonight that eventually, the piranha are indeed defeated.
One of the best parts of Mega Piranha involved the epic death of Colonel Diaz. I only wished he had yelled “FEEEEEEEEETCH!” before biting the big one. Or the big one biting him I should say:
Well, that’s it for the Mega Piranha. If you don’t want to sit through an hour and a half of crappy deaths by fish then simply watch the short version in the video below:
Out of the three Craptastic movies I’ve watched this one was probably the most entertaining even if it wasn’t great.
– Generic Piranha death scenes
– A letter “e” missing out of the subtitled word “Something”
+ Flare in the mouth leads to exploding head death scene
+ Terrible acting that made me laugh
+ Cheesy action music
+ Funny ass looking mega piranha launching from the water into buildings
For those reasons above I give this craptastic movie 2 and a half grizzlies.
Craptastic Bonus Fun Fact: A well-fired flare shot in the mouth can cause a man’s head to explode.