Tonight is All Star Night! I don’t know what the hell that means except tonight’s Raw is three hours long! I’ll be your writer for the first hour of tonight’s broadcast, and Godzark will take it home with the last two.
After last week, Stone Cold Steve Austin is back for more as tonight’s Raw manager, and he comes out to stop one of those dime a dozen Miz rants just before I’m about to change the channel. He makes it clear to Miz that he’ll stomp the shit out of him if he doesn’t listen. Austin gives Miz his due and lets him know that him and Alex Riley will be getting some much-needed “therapy” right in the ring tonight… By Rowdy Roddy Piper in Piper’s Pit. If you don’t remember, that is Roddy Piper’s famous in the ring talk show. Note exhibit A below:
We can only hope he smashes someone in the face with a coconut. Miz leaves the ring and up pulls Alberto Del Rio with one of his beautiful cars. The scum bags are coming out of the woodwork for All Star Night! Del Rio babbles for a second about how gloriously awesome he is before Austin brings up the Big Show, and Del Rio’s monkey boy running his leg over with a car. He figures since Del Rio can’t fight Big Show, he can do the next best thing in a match with Show’s partner Kane right now. Unfortunately the match wasn’t very long at all. Kane had the upper hand most of the time, utilizing his brute force against Del Rio, but then our Mexican friend busts out crucifix armbar and doesn’t let go even after Kane grabs onto a rope. The ref calls the match as a disqualification and Del Rio still won’t let go, but then Big Show runs out…. yes he ran out on his leg that was run over by a car. Ok….
Anyways, Big Show tries to get Del Rio, but he has to settle for Ricardo who he beats mercilessly until Kane stops him. Stone Cold then lets everyone know that we have another match set for ‘Capitol Punishment’ with Big Show vs Del Rio. Obviously.
Next, we are treated to a six man tag match involving Daniel Bryan, Ezekiel Jackson and Sin Cara VS Cody Rhodes, Ted DiBiase and Wade Barrett. Honestly I didn’t catch a whole lot of the match because I was watching Jimmy Snuka get hit with a Piper Coconut over and over to much amusement. I’m actually worn out on Sin Cara, and Daniel Bryan is a no talent waste of space. Ezekiel Jackson is always impressive because the guy is a beast! I love watching him tear through his opponent with ease, and this match was no exception. He basically set Barrett up for Sin Cara to finish him off for the win. It was interesting to see Cody and DiBiase teamed up again. I used to love to hate those two when they were Legacy.
Now let’s get one thing clear before we continue: I hate Hornswaggle. He’s a complete waste of time and he’s not funny in any way. It’s just WWE trying to capitalize off of the concept of a dwarf looking funny, and I love dwarfs – but he is just terribly cast in the WWE. Really they don’t need a dwarf. So I didn’t feel at all bad when crazy ass R Truth interrupted the little bastard’s t-shirt launching and stomped him out.
That’s when Austin, still being very hands on interrupts to tell R Truth he will be facing off against his old buddy John Morrison tonight.
Speaking of complete wastes of time, the next match is Santino vs Sheamus. Now, Sheamus I don’t mind because at least he is a formidable wrestler who keeps me entertained. Santino on the other hand, they try to make him a credible wrestler, but he still always loses. It’s too late to make this guy credible because he’s been such a joke for so long. So, short story even shorter: Santino loses even after landing his retarded Cobra move…
Randy Orton comes out to a standing ovation from the Monday Night Raw crowd. Orton says he should be satisfied because he is Champion, but he is not satisfied because Christian is in the building. He then calls out Christian to come to the ring so they can talk (and we all clearly believed this). After Christian doesn’t come out, Orton admits the obvious, that he didn’t want to just talk, and then says that if Christian doesn’t come out to the ring he will come and find him. Christian then comes on the Titantron and says that Orton didn’t have to work to get into the business because he was born into it.
Orton then says that Edge carried Christian his whole career. Furious with this statement, Christian then begins to makes his way to the inside of the arena. Half way to the ring Christian begins to turn around and walk back up the entrance ramp. When Orton tries to chase him he is detained by security. The Raw general manager then sends an email saying that since Christian gave Orton a concussion last week, the anonymous GM will not let Orton compete tonight, and if Orton does not comply than he will be stripped of the title. Stone Cold then comes on the Titantron and says that he has put Christian in a match against Rey Mysterio, and the match will begin after the commercial break.
Before the match Booker T makes his way into the arena and over to the announce table. It could be just me, but I am getting really annoyed by Booker being there. For somebody who was in the business as long as he was I would expect more insight from him then what we get. All we seem to hear from Booker is a lot of “dawgs,” and “Yo’s.”
It is about the equivalent of Randy Jackson doing wrestling commentating.
Christian vs. Rey Mysterio:
The match appears to be a fairly even back and forth battle. During the middle of the match Christian seems to have the upper hand as he throws Rey out of the ring. The show then cuts to a Commercial Break…
Christian then picks up the broken and battered Rey Mysterio and hits him with the “Kill Switch.”
Backstage Vickie Guerrero interrupts Stone Cold who is on the phone, and asks if Austin will give Dolph Ziggler a match against Kofi Kingston this Sunday at “Capitol Punishment.” Austin says he has been impressed with what Ziggler has been doing in the ring, and says he will give him the match if he drops Vicki Guerrero as his manager. Ziggler agrees to drop Vicki as his manager, and Vicki begins to have an annoying meltdown. Austin then says he was just kidding about dropping Vicki and he was just trying to have a little bit of fun. I personally was really hoping he wasn’t kidding, I think it would be the smartest thing for Zigglers character to not have a manager, so he could start building his career by himself. Then again I am not a writer for the WWE.
R-Truth vs. John Morrison
Morrison doesn’t come out to his entrance music twice. R-truth then begins to get on the mic and call out John Morisson and says that he will come and find John Morrison if he doesn’t come out to the ring. R-Truth then makes his way to the back to find Morrison. We then see live footage of R-Truth walking around back stage and looking for Morrison. Truth then finds him lying injured on his back backstage, clearly having been attacked by Truth before the match. Truth then pushes a heavy equipment cart into an injured Morrison, and walks away. Referees and trainers begin to signal for paramedics.
Dolph Ziggler and Jack Swagger vs. Evan Bourne and Kofi Kingston
Kingston and Ziggler start the match and Kingston begins dominating the fight. After a quick shot from Ziggler he gains control. Swagger gets tagged in and begins to pick apart the already down Kingston. Swagger seems to be taking out some of his frustrations from the past couple of weeks on Kingston. Bourne comes into the match and just like the previous couple of weeks he punishes Swagger (which is ridiculous considering the size difference). As the ref was distracted, Kingston hits the “trouble in paradise” on Swagger, and then Bourne (who is the legal man) hits back flip off of the top rope. Bourne then covers Swagger for the three count.
Rowdy Roddy Piper comes out to the ring to conduct ‘Pipers Pit’. The Miz then interrupts Piper and says that he is tired of being called a future Rowdy Roddy Piper. Piper says that there will never be another person like himself, and goes on to call out Alex Riley. Riley says that not only can he beat Miz, but Piper could also beat the Miz. Miz then laughs at Piper and says that he will put 1,000 dollars on the line in this match. Piper then says he would put 5,000 on the line. Stone Cold then makes the match official and says that the loser of the match will pay the winner $5,000 of his own money. To make matters even more interesting Alex Riley will be the special guest referee.
Rowdy Roddy Piper vs. The Miz (SGR: Alex Riley)
Piper begins throwing punches on The Miz against the turnbuckle, but the Miz quickly reverses the control. Miz slaps Alex Riley and Riley then physically assaults The Miz. Piper comes from behind with a quick roll up and Riley counts the one, two, three to give Piper the win over The Miz. The Miz exits the ring absolutely infuriated by what has happened and the money he has just lost. I think I speak for the WWE fans when I say that Alex Riley has more potential as a superstar than that real world piece of crap ever did. Also, Roddy Piper is one of the greatest human beings to ever grace the face of the Earth.
Diva Tag Match.
Ok so there were like fourteen divas involved in this and only two ever got involved in the match. So bottom line (and yes I’ll say that seeing as though Austin was manager tonight) is that I am not about to write out fourteen names. Kelly Kelly starts against Rosa Mendez, and somehow Kelly Kelly ends up spanking Mendez much to every male viewers enjoyment. This was then followed by a Rikishi style stink face in the corner which was also very well received by the male half of the crowd. Kelly Kelly ends up being the only Diva from her team that is involved in the match and gets the win for her team in a matter of about 45 seconds.
Backstage we see Stone Cold having a beer with the tough enough winner Andy (wasn’t this guy supposedly “straight edge” on the show?). He tells Andy that now that the competition is over, the real work will now begin. CM Punk then interrupts the conversation and insults Andy. Austin tells Andy to leave the room, and he and Punk exchange words. Austin tells Punk he has an announcement to make to the world, he then leaves the room and heads out to the arena.
Austin comes out to the ring on his signature Stone Cold ATV.
Austin says next week will be a show about the people. Three hours long and the crowd will decide all of the matches, and all of the stipulations. Just as the announcement is made, the anonymous Raw GM sends multiple emails for Michael Cole to read, and Austin begins to get frustrated. Austin then chases Michael Cole out of the arena, claiming that he was the one who was making the noise with the computer. After Cole leaves, we see Austin rip apart the GM’s lap top and run over it with his ATV.
CM Punk vs. John Cena
The crowd is split right down the middle, half rooting for CM Punk and half rooting for Cena. Punk appears to be getting the best of Cena at the start of the match. He pushes John Cena out of the ring, as Raw cuts to yet another commercial break. Booker T announces that the match has been a back and forth battle throughout the entire break. John Cena appears to kind of be getting his ass kicked by CM Punk. CM Punk seems to be relying heavily on submission moves to wear down Cena in the middle portion of the match. Cena reverses a sort of anaconda body lock that Punk has on Cena, and rolls him into a quick STFU, but is quickly broken up as Punk reaches the bottom rope. Cena’s momentum disappears quickly and Cena continues to be getting his ass whooped. With a flying something or other from the top rope from Punk, which Cena dodges, the momentum shifts in favor of Cena.
And just to piss everybody off, R-truth comes ranting through the crowd mid-match talking about all of the “little Jimmys.” John Cena is distracted by Truth hassling the little kids in the crowd, and Punk capitalizes with a “go to sleep” and gets the cover on John Cena for the win. R-truth then enters the ring and attacks Cena with a water bottle (yes, you read that right). R-Truth then tells Cena that this Sunday he is going to beat him for the WWE championship as he holds the belt over a battered John Cena.
Overall, it was a decent show with a second half that made up for a lackluster first half. It’s always good to see the Texas Rattlesnake back on Raw, but I thought his role last week was more entertaining than it was tonight. Next week, we have another three hour live event, where the fans control the matches!