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WWE Monday Night Raw Recap & Review: August 22, 2011

Raw begins with Alberto Del Rio, getting ready to bore us to death at the start of the show. He of course comes out in one of those borrowed cars, what a piece of trash. After his dragged out entrance he finally grabs a mic and before he even does his lame introduction he is quickly interrupted by John Cena, who gets a standing ovation. Cena grabs a mic and introduces himself as the man who is going to take that belt from him. He goes on to say that CM Punk is the only person who can go toe to toe with him, so whipping Del Rio’s ass won’t be a problem. And just as this leaves his mouth CM Punk’s music hits, and he gets an equally loud ovation. CM Punk says that if anybody is going to get a title shot it’s going to be him. Both Cena and Punk say that they are going to cash in their rematch clause to face Del Rio. Triple H then comes out, I like the suit tonight though. Triple H says that tonight there will be a number one contendership match between CM Punk and Cena in the main event of the show.

Commercial Break…

Alberto Del Rio vs. John Morrison

Morrison begins by throwing a few punches and knocking Del Rio to the outside of the ring. Once back in, Del Rio begins gaining some offense. I can’t be the only one who thinks that Del Rio is an absolute joke of a champion. Heres my thing, when the WWE champion is only entertaining enough to be the first match on Raw, there’s a problem. He has a boring personality and  it would be awful for ratings to keep Del Rio as champion after “Night of Champions.”Back to the match, Morrison and Del Rio are on the outside of the ring, and Del Rio shoves Morrison into the barricade before Raw cuts to a commercial break.

After the break, Morrison is getting destroyed. However, as wrestling goes, John Morrison begins to retaliate and begins fighting back into this. Actually, hats off to both these wrestlers, this is turning into a pretty good match. Morrison is still in control, and going for “star ship pain” but misses it and soon finds himself in an arm bar which he taps out to. Actually a great match, and after the match Del Rio begins attacking Morrison just for good measure.
Commercial Break…


Nicki Bella vs. Eve Torres

This  cat fight begins with Nicki throwing some punches and pulling some hair. Eve begins fighting back and I believe we have broken 2 minutes, which is the longest Divas match I’ve seen on Raw in the last couple months. Nicki and Eve go at it for a couple more minutes before Eve Torres wins the match.

After the match Kelly Kelly, who was in the corner of Eve, comes in the face plants the other Bella for no apparent reason.

Commercial Break…

Jack Swagger vs. Alex Riley

Vicki Guerrero comes out and introduces Jack Swagger, who we saw last week approach Vicki about managing him. As the match begins, Dolph Ziggler comes out and begins arguing with Vicki and in the process distracts Jack Swagger. After the distraction Alex Riley rolls up Swagger into the three count.

Boring match, and once again the WWE refuses to use Alex Riley to the extent that they probably could.

Commercial Break…

After the break, Triple H comes out to supposedly clear up what happened at SummerSlam. Triple H calls out Kevin Nash so they can explain everything to the crowd. Kevin Nash walks out to no music.

Triple H then goes on to say that it wasn’t him that sent that text, and Nash says that he will not apologize to CM Punk. Punk then comes out and says that his bet is that Stephanie McMahon sent the text message. Just when CM Punk is about to Go after Nash, Triple H holds him back. CM Punk goes on to tell Triple H that he’s got his balls stuck in his wifes purse. Just as this happens, Nash attacks Punk from the side, and Triple H and Nash hurry out of the ring together.

Commercial Break

Kofi Kingston and Evan Bourne vs. David Otunga and Michael Mcgillicutty

McGillicutty and Bourne start the match and Evan Bourne is beating up McGillicuty. I really think that Bourne and Kingston would be an awesome tag team championship team. Both have an extremely unique wrestling style, and I’m agreeing with everything that Jerry Lawler is saying right now. Otunga and McGillicutty are not entertaining wrestlers, they make piss poor champions and they show nothing unique about their personalities and wrestling styles. Back to the match, after an incredible performance by both Kingston and Bourne, Bourne hits his back flip off of the top rope to get the pinfall win for the tag team titles. I’m absolutely thrilled, and can’t wait to see these two wrestle as a tag team more often!

Backstage, John Laurinaitis runs up to HHH and tells him that Kevin Nash has been in a car accident. His poor acting is almost uncomfortable to watch. He then gives Hunter the name of the hospital and HHH takes off to see if he is ok. Laurinaitis says that he’ll take care of the rest of the night.

My guess is that Kevin Nash had triple H notified of a car accident just to get him out of the arena so he can get involved in the main event and not have Triple H stop him. We shall see what goes down in about 30 minutes.

Commercial Break…

And here comes grizzly bomb writer Darthsaeris’s favorite wrestler in the world, Santino Marella! As he is coming out to the ring, R-Truth and the Miz attack Santino from behind, thank God we don’t have to see him actually compete in a match. R-Truth grabs a mic and begins talking about how Cena, Punk, Stephanie McMahon, Triple H, are all conspiring against him and Miz. The Miz and his stupid hair cut begin talking about how he agrees with R-Truth. Miz begins rambling and his words really aren’t worth typing, so I’ll just have you all know he is wasting everyone’s time.

Commercial Break

CM Punk vs. John Cena (#1 Contender-ship match)

Alberto Del Rio and John Laurinaitis are both at ring side, LAME! Side note: I happen to love that CM Punk yells out, “It’s clobbering Time,” before he runs down to the ring. The fact that there is still 20 minutes left in the night, is a definite indicator that were going have a full match! The match starts with a lock up, and John Cena is the first to gain momentum. Lawler begins saying how he doesn’t believe CM Punk is that good, and the “idiotic statement of the night award” goes to the guy with the plastic crown. Punk begins fighting back, but not long before Cena knocks Punk off the top turnbuckle and to the outside of the ring. And we have a commercial break. When Raw returns, we see a back and forth battle and Cena gets Punk in the STFU, Punk doesn’t tap. Immediately after we see CM Punk hit Cena with a “Go to Sleep,” and Cena kicks out. Punk then goes to the top rope and misses an elbow drop, which Cena rolls out of the way from. Both men are laying face first in the middle of the ring. As both men get to their feet, Punk hits Cena with a knee to the face, and Cena hits Punk with an attitude adjustment, but neither move ends the match.  Oh and I’m right on the money with my prediction, Nash is back and CM punk is distracted by this. When he turns back around Cena hits him with the “attitude adjustment” again and pins Punk for the win.

After the match Alberto runs in the ring and attacks John Cena. The show ends with this, and yet again we have many unanswered questions.

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WWE Monday Night Raw Recap & Review: August 8th, 2011

As Raw begins, Triple H comes out to the ring in his cheesy suite and announces that for the CM Punk vs. John Cena match at summer slam there will be a special guest referee. He goes on to say that a match of that magnitude needs a ref that is larger than life, and can take control of such a contest. After building the anticipation for a couple of minutes, you can almost hear a collective sigh of disappointment from the crowd as Triple H tells everybody that he will be the special guest referee.

John Cena comes out and without a microphone, you can hear him and Triple H exchange words about Triple H’s decision for Summer slam. Cena (along with everybody else) clearly isn’t happy about this idea.

Commercial Break…

 John Cena vs. Jack Swagger

Jack Swagger begins the match doing his stupid little airplane run around the ring before John Cena levels him right in the middle of it. Cena has steady control in the match and gets a close pin fall against Swagger. Swagger begins to get a little bit of offense going, but not long before Cena counters. I’ve said it before, but I really think that Jack Swagger has been a bit of a waste of talent in the WWE. I think he could really draw some attention and be an entertaining main event caliber wrestler. Oh and as soon as my fingers type this, John Cena hits the FU (oh I’m sorry we’re now TV-PG, the “attitude adjustment”). John Cena gets the win.

Commercial Break…

When we come back from the commercial break, we are treated to an extra long piss break. Alberto Del Rio is in the back talking smack. R-Truth is in the back talking about why he hates spiders. Ladies and gentlemen, insert next commercial break here!

As Mysterio is walking out to the ring to face the Miz, Miz attacks Rey from behind. (Oh yeah, he’s stompin a good ole fashioned mudhole in Rey Mysterio. This ones looking like a helluva slobber knocker. (Sorry with JR back, I get a bit excited)). As Rey Mysterio lays there, we all do the basic math here and assume that the match is going to be called off. The Miz walks down to the ring and Miz begins saying that he attacked Rey to give him some attention.

He then says he is demanding that a ref comes down to the ring and announces Miz as the winner of the match based on forfeit. A ref comes to the ring but tells ring announcer that Triple H has demanded that Miz compete in a new match. Just then we hear Kofi Kingston’s music hit. Now We have dun dun dun…….

Kofi Kingston vs. The Miz

The match begins as a pretty back and forth contest, however, it is Miz that begins gaining the momentum. Kingston does a pretty sweet dive over the second rope, landing right into the Miz. Raw cuts to a commercial break, when it returns the Miz is in control. This has actually been incredibly boring for a Kofi Kingston match. Kingston starts battling back and does an impressive cross body from the top turnbuckle. Fast forward a couple of minutes and Miz hits his stupid face plant move, and beats Kingston. WWE can’t let any true talent get ahead now can they?

Commercial Break…

 Alberto Del Rio. CM Punk

(Yes the excessively large photo of Alberto Del Rio was absolutely necessary there). The match starts with Alberto Del Rio targeting the left arm of CM Punk. CM Punk only lets this go on for a few minutes before he begins dominating Del Rio. CM Punk lands a devastating head kick, and then follows with the GTS to get the pin fall win.

 Commercial Break…

 Beth Phoenix vs. Eve

As the match starts, Beth Phoenix in all of her manliness is beating up Eve. Beth Phoenix is kind of reminding me of Chyna (Without the steroids though). Just like every other women’s match, this one doesn’t last very long. Beth Phoenix hits the “glam slam,” and gets the three count. As Beth Phoenix is running her mouth after the match, Kelly Kelly comes running out and knocks her down from behind. Michael Cole begins freaking out about this, saying that Kelly Kelly sets a bad example as women’s champion.

All I know is that the only Women wrestler’s they’re ever going to show consistently on Raw is the women’s champion, and if Beth Phoenix wins the title Sunday and I have to stare at her ugly ass every Monday Night, I’m going to be pissed.

 Commercial Break..

 Dolph Ziggler vs. Alex Riley

Wow, and I’m actually really excited for this match. Two wrestlers who I feel have great potential to be fantastic wrestlers. The match starts and after two minutes, Vicki slaps Alex Riley, and the match is over with a disqualification.

My frustration tonight is growing by the minute. Once they have a half way decent match going, it of course has to end in less than five minutes. After Dolph confronts Vicki about this, she walks out of the ring saying that she doesn’t need this anymore.

Ps– It does not look like Vicki is wearing a bra tonight, and I just puked a little in my mouth.

Commercial break…

 R-truth vs. John Morrison

R-Truth really needs an actual entrance song. As the match gets going John Morrison does a really sweet dive over the top rope onto R-Truth. However, it soon becomes R-Truth that takes control, and gets the pin fall win. If this sounded like a boring over view of a match, it’s because it was a very boring match.

Commercial Break…

 Contract Signing for the Summer Slam main event.

Triple H is standing in the ring with John Laurinaitis, and CM Punk makes his way out to the ring, quickly followed by John Cena. (The crowd is incredibly unenthusiastic about pretty much everything tonight). CM Punk then begins saying that a contract signing is stupid because they are never entertaining. CM Punk then says that he has an actor that is going to tell John Cena why Punk doesn’t like John Cena. Then Punk plays a clip of the Rock making fun of John Cena for being a fake. After a bit of trash talking back and forth between the two, this contract signing turns into a debate about who is phonier, John Cena or CM Punk. John Cena’s final diss of the night, comes when he says that if CM Punk doesn’t win on Sunday then he will have been nothing more than a one hit wonder. The two stand face to face, and poor John Lauranaitis who is standing in the ring with Triple H as well, gets kicked in the head by CM Punk.

(Poor Johnny Ace)

After a few shoves, CM Punk gets knocked out of the ring inadvertently. After getting pushed out of the ring, Punk looks back at Cena and Hunter and yells out, “Is this the way it’s going to be (Or something like that)?” Clearly insinuating that they are teaming up against Punk for Summer slam.

I’d have to say Raw was extremely lackluster tonight. Not a whole lot of action, and what could have been the best match of the night was ended by Vicki Guerrero slapping Alex Riley in the face. Hopefully this is the end of the Vicki/Dolph Ziggler alliance, but who knows. Summer slam is Sunday on Pay-Per View at 8 PM Eastern time.

Also important to note that Rey Mysterio is set to face whoever wins the undisputed title at Summer slam next Monday, for that title.

WWE Monday Night Raw Review: June 27th, 2011!

In the same spirit as the last couple of weeks, tonight’s episode of Raw is yet another special event as the WWE brings back ‘Raw Roulette’. Not only this, but we already knew prior to tonight’s event that the “Heart Break Kid” – Shawn Michaels is going to be in Sin City for the show.

At the start of the show Shawn Michaels makes his way to the ring, and says that he’s had a hard time leaving the WWE. He’s getting all sappy, and kissing the crowds ass, telling them they made him who he was.  He is quickly interrupted by CM Punk, and a couple of his sideshow clowns, McGillicutty and Otunga. Punk begins to give HBK crap for coming back after he said he was going to retire. After some smack talk about how HBK left the WWE a loser because he lost to the Undertaker at Wrestlemania, Shawn Michaels gave David Otunga a “sweet chin music.” The general manager then sends an email saying that CM Punk will be in the first match of the night and they will spin the roulette wheel to see what kind of match it will be. Booker T (who is apparently the roulette host) comes on the titan tron and spins the wheel, which lands on a mystery opponent. Booker informs Punk that his opponent will be Kane. Michaels who is still in the ring, then hits McGillicutty with a sweet chin music and tells CM Punk good luck with the match.

Commercial Break…  

CM Punk vs. Kane

The match begins with Kane man handling Punk. He quickly throws Punk to the outside of the ring, and throwing him into the barricade. Once back in the ring, Kane still continues to dominate Punk. CM Punk retaliates with a desperate kick to the head of Kane, and begins picking apart the big red machine. This seems to be the match of head kicks, as Kane gains control back from Punk by doing just that. CM Punk rolls out of the ring, and begins walking to the back. While walking to the back, CM Punk (Who has already promised that after his match in three weeks for the WWE championship, he is going to leave the company) begins yelling at the crowd saying, “What are they going to do, fire me?” Michael Cole then makes one of the most valid points he has ever made, by saying that this was the smartest thing Punk could have done. He already has his title shot, and there would be no point in risking an injury in this match.

Commercial Break… Continue reading WWE Monday Night Raw Review: June 27th, 2011!

WWE Monday Night Raw Review: June 13th 2011

Tonight is All Star Night! I don’t know what the hell that means except tonight’s Raw is three hours long! I’ll be your writer for the first hour of tonight’s broadcast, and Godzark will take it home with the last two.

After last week, Stone Cold Steve Austin is back for more as tonight’s Raw manager, and he comes out to stop one of those dime a dozen Miz rants just before I’m about to change the channel. He makes it clear to Miz that he’ll stomp the shit out of him if he doesn’t listen. Austin gives Miz his due and lets him know that him and Alex Riley will be getting some much-needed “therapy” right in the ring tonight… By Rowdy Roddy Piper in Piper’s Pit. If you don’t remember, that is Roddy Piper’s famous in the ring talk show. Note exhibit A below:

We can only hope he smashes someone in the face with a coconut. Miz leaves the ring and up pulls Alberto Del Rio with one of his beautiful cars. The scum bags are coming out of the woodwork for All Star Night! Del Rio babbles for a second about how gloriously awesome he is before Austin brings up the Big Show, and Del Rio’s monkey boy running his leg over with a car. He figures since Del Rio can’t fight Big Show, he can do the next best thing in a match with Show’s partner Kane right now. Unfortunately the match wasn’t very long at all. Kane had the upper hand most of the time, utilizing his brute force against Del Rio, but then our Mexican friend busts out crucifix armbar and doesn’t let go even after Kane grabs onto a rope. The ref calls the match as a disqualification and Del Rio still won’t let go, but then Big Show runs out…. yes he ran out on his leg that was run over by a car. Ok….

Continue reading WWE Monday Night Raw Review: June 13th 2011

WWE Monday Night Raw Review: June 6, 2011

Raw begins with the crowning of the Tough Enough champion Andy! This is quickly followed by Andy receiving a Stone Cold Stunner, by Stone Cold Steve Austin.

 As the actual show begins, R-Truth makes his way to the ring, where Stone Cold and Vince McMahon are waiting. R-Truth has been given the opportunity to earn a WWE championship opportunity at “Capitol Punishment,” by apologizing for his actions last week. R-Truth delivers a half-hearted apology for his actions, before Steve Austin calls him a jackass for dressing in costume. After R-Truth goes on about how the company is one big conspiracy, The Miz comes out to interrupt him. Miz comes out and says that he deserves another championship opportunity, but is quickly interrupted by Alex Riley. John Cena is quick to join the party going on inside of the ring as well. John Cena tells Miz to stop being a, “jack wagon” and get over himself.  Vince McMahon declares the main event on Raw a tag team match between John Cena and Alex Riley vs. R-Truth and the Miz, with special guest referee Stone Cold Steve Austin.

Commercial Break…   Continue reading WWE Monday Night Raw Review: June 6, 2011