Oh, and also, there are spoilers ahead.
The episode opens in Sookie’s house. As predicted, Bill storms over to lay the smack down on Eric, who is busy kanoodling Sookie in the living room.
Sookie stops Eric from killing Bill in a really anti-climactic fight, by explaining that Bill is his King. So what does Bill do? Captures Eric of course, turning a deaf ear to Sookie’s protests. Eric may be a danger to everyone, according to His Highness, because he may be under the control of necromancers. The great, green monster of jealousy has finally reared its ugly head. Sookie was missing for over a year and comes back only to shack up with his arch enemy. Ouch. No wonder he kicked her off his property. I don’t know which of them I feel sorrier for.
Eric is thrown in a cell with Pam, who’s looking more and more like Two Face. She pleads with him to remember, to be the Eric she’s been with for over a hundred years. Eric vehemently declares that he wants no part in the things that he’s done, he doesn’t want to remember them. And good thing. He used to be a giant toolbox.
Unsurprisingly, upstairs Bill is skyping Nan to ask if he can give Eric the “true death” because he’s such a threat. The only threat he poses really is keeping Sookie far away from him.
Terry and Arlene’s baby is not only creepy but an expert with fire drills. As their house ignites and they get outside, they find him in the yard, clinging to his haunted baby doll. Apparently he can also see dead people, like the kid from the Sixth Sense. He laughs and looks at a woman in the yard, who appears to be from about 50 years ago.
Tommy, meanwhile, is really having a hard time with the fact that he murdered his parents and threw them in the swamp. According to Sam’s shifter girlfriend, if a shifter murders their family they can take the form of other people. So Tommy turns into Sam which is HILARIOUS. His first order of business was to fire Sookie. Oh, and later, he sleeps with Sam’s girlfriend.
Sookie leaves to find Jason, who is chained to his own bed in an attempt to hide out during the full moon in case he turns into a were-panther. She offers to stay up with him through the night to help, but ends up losing him. Jessica can sense Jason’s fear now that she gave him her blood. She finds him and talks to him to calm him down. Oh, and they clearly have feelings for each other. Happy birthday, Hoyt!
Debbie is creating all sorts of problems for Alcide again. She’s a good girlfriend. She’s joined the local pack and wants him to join as well, even though he doesn’t want to. While they are out at night to meet the new pack, they run into Sookie, who is wielding a shotgun looking for her brother, who may or may not be a panther. Alcide and Debbie explain to her that there is no way to turn a human into a were-(fill in the blank). What a giant waste of time that entire storyline has been if that is the case.
Marnie gets another vision of her spirit guardian, and recalls the vision of Antonia burning at the stake; only this time, Marnie sees the spell that Antonia cast to make the vampires daywalk and burn up. Antonia then appears in Marnie’s cell, and the dead witch jumps inside Marnie’s body. Marnie finally gets what she’s always wanted – a crazy dead person living in her body. Yes, Dorothy, dreams really do come true.
Jesus and Lafayette are having a stellar time in Mexico with Jesus’ grandfather, who asks for a sacrifice before he will help them. Jesus ninjas a rattlesnake out of the grass and brings it to his loving grandfather, who throws it on Jesus as a thank you. Lafayette is possessed by a long-haired man and heals Jesus’ snake bite.
Eric is still in Bill’s clutches, about to receive his death sentence. He accepts his fate graciously, explaining that he cannot defend his former self, who is foreign to him. He pleads for Pam, and also for Sookie. He explains that Sookie obviously still cares for Bill, and that she deserves happiness to whoever can give it to her. Bill finally shows he has a heart and sets Eric free to go make love with Sookie in the forest.
Thus ends another episode of True Blood where nothing really happens. I’m sorry, I’m really trying to like this season, but it’s getting harder and harder. There are too many characters with story lines that are way too boring; too many magical creatures to keep track of (were-panthers? They’re just pulling stuff out of their asses now); too many things going in too many directions. If I were a cartoon, my pupils would be spinning in circles and making a rattling noise.
Remember Maryann from season two? I’ve said this countless times, but I wanted to bury myself in a hole every time she appeared on screen. Marnie is attempting to de-throne Maryann in the CRAP department. I’m really hoping she’ll turn herself around. The previewed snippets for the upcoming season look awesome, yet each episode gets worse and worse.
I hate to say it, but Eric and Sookie’s chemistry is gone. Dead. Buried. They had so much untapped potential, what happened? I feel like their love/hate relationship was more believable before Eric became the clueless wonder that he is.
And what I hate to say EVEN MORE, is that Sookie and Bill were more interesting; which pains me even to think because Stephen Moyer is such a horrible actor. Maybe it was their sexual tension because they’re ACTUALLY married. I would feel awkward if I had to have pretend sex with someone else while my husband was on set enjoying a sandwich at the craft service table.
It feels like there is all this lead up to about 12 different events that will probably happen in the season finale, but meanwhile, nothing is really happening to pique my interest to pull me into watching next week. In fact, if I didn’t have to get this review out, I probably wouldn’t get around to watching at all until about Wednesday. This all makes me very upset, because I really like True Blood.
At any rate, I give this episode 3/5 bears for effort, and for Eric Northman’s butt.