True Blood: 5.03 – “Whatever I Am, You Made Me” Review

This week on True Blood, I learned that it doesn’t matter what type of creature Tara becomes – human, lesbian, maenad puppet, vampire –  I only want her gone.  Killed.  Staked.  Written out of the show.  Erased from our memories.  Chop her scenes from the show and have a bonfire with the pieces.

I may be alone in this.  If you have a love for this crazy bitch, let it reign in the comments.  I really, really had hoped that her becoming a vampire would make me hate her less, but it has only increased.  Her newborn angst is getting old.  Sookie and Lafayette spend half the episode trying to chase her down while she has a vampire meltdown, which is such a waste of time and really detracts from the rest of the episode.  As interesting as it is watching her binge drink True Blood at Merlotte’s and sleep in a walk-in freezer.  The only part I liked was at the end when she tried to kill herself in a tanning bed, but you know she won’t succeed.  Pam will step in right before Tara chars herself completely.

Speaking of Pam, I love how much back story we’re getting from her.  I love that she has this seedy, tarty history running girls for hire.  Like a turn of the century pimp.  Her love for Eric runs incredibly deep and he has taken care of her from the beginning.  Pam had begged Eric to turn her, which he refused for her sake.  I always thought his civility was one of his better qualities.  But, Pam is a cutter, so he had to change her before she bled to death.  And they’ve been together, committed to one another, ever since.  Eric’s love for Pam throughout the course of the show has seemed nothing short of fatherly; but these flashbacks make Pam’s love for Eric seem sad, unrequited.  I love it when Pam is a bitch, but it’s about time there was some writing going on to round out her character.

Meanwhile, the Authority is getting pretty badass (except for that kid who sits at the table and yells his lines; I wonder how much money he’s making to be complete weirdo).  We’re introduced to Salome, step-daughter of King Herod, who ordered John the Baptist to be executed.  That’s right, she’s in the Bible.  She bemoans the reliability of the text (she is featured in the books of Mark and Matthew), comparing it to “Us Weekly,” saying that she was falsely depicted as a seductress; and denied any desire to have John the Baptist’s head brought to her on a silver platter.  Then she seduces both Bill and Eric to sleep with her.  What a victim.

The Authority has spent much time (through torture and now sex, apparently) trying to determine if Bill, Eric or Nora are Sanguinistas; or those who believe in Lilith, God’s first creation, and the use of humans as cattle for food.  The Authority’s main agenda is to be mainstreamed into human society, to peacefully coexist, for fear that if vampires make humans their enemy, they will be outnumbered and destroyed.  As Nora is tortured, she admits that she has Sanguine beliefs; though if she really has them or not is unclear.  She may believe what she says.  Or, she may be covering up to save someone; namely Eric, who she clearly has feelings for.  Everyone loves him, he’s so pretty and popular!

Roman (Christopher Meloni) is assured by Salome that Bill and Eric can be trusted, and should be allowed to track down Russell Edgington.  Then she gets her third piece of the day.  What stamina.  She should work for Pam.

Oh, and meet the new Nan Flanagan:

That should get interesting.

Everyone else had a pretty quiet week.  Jessica meets her first faerie and tries to screw Jason’s brains out; too bad he just realized that sex won’t fill the void inside of him.  Bummer. Terry left to go travel with his new boyfriend.  Lafayette is still seeing Juggalos.  Andy’s naked butt was on Facebook.  Sookie finally told Alcide about killing Debbie, and he took it REALLY well.

I’m starting to get excited about the weaving storyline happening with the Authority.  I just hope that faerie showing up doesn’t ruin things.  True Blood is best when the story arcs are focused on the political aspects of the vampires instead of some random mythological creature.

I give this episode 4/5 bears, because I thought it was pretty darn good.

One thought on “True Blood: 5.03 – “Whatever I Am, You Made Me” Review”

  1. This was a great review, and I read your reviews last season, and I agree that it was fucking terrible. Some people think The Authority is lame, but I’ll take these vampires over witches and maenads, and I think most would agree with me. I like that Pam has been the only character to want to become a vampire. The other vampire characters were forced to become one, but she wanted to be one and saw it as a gift, not a curse.


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