If you were absent from the internet the last few days, you missed perhaps one of the greatest tirades ever printed. Rebecca Martinson is a student at University of Maryland and also happens to be a Delta Gamma sister. Apparently she felt that her fellow sisters weren’t living up to the Delta Gamma social standard and decided to take it upon herself and let them know exactly how disappointed she was in them.
[quote]If you just opened this like I told you to, tie yourself down to whatever chair you’re sitting in, because this email is going to be a rough f*cking ride.
For those of you that have your heads stuck under rocks, which apparently is the majority of this chapter, we have been F*CKING UP in terms of night time events and general social interactions with Sigma Nu. I’ve been getting texts on texts about people LITERALLY being so f*cking AWKWARD and so f*cking BORING. If you’re reading this right now and saying to yourself “But oh em gee Julia, I’ve been having so much fun with my sisters this week!”, then punch yourself in the face right now so that I don’t have to f*cking find you on campus to do it myself.
I do not give a flying f*ck, and Sigma Nu does not give a flying f*ck, about how much you f*cking love to talk to your sisters. You have 361 days out of the f*cking year to talk to sisters, and this week is NOT, I f*cking repeat NOT ONE OF THEM. This week is about fostering relationships in the greek community, and that’s not f*cking possible if you’re going to stand around and talk to each other and not our matchup. Newsflash you stupid cocks: FRATS DON’T LIKE BORING SORORITIES. Oh wait, DOUBLE F*CKING NEWSFLASH: SIGMA NU IS NOT GOING TO WANT TO HANG OUT WITH US IF WE F*CKING SUCK, which by the way in case you’re an idiot and need it spelled out for you, WE F*CKING SUCK SO FAR. This also applies to you little shits that have talked openly about post gaming at a different frat IN FRONT OF SIGMA NU BROTHERS. Are you people f*cking retarded? That’s not a rhetorical question, I LITERALLY want you to email me back telling me if you’re mentally slow so I can make sure you don’t go to anymore night time events. If Sigma Nu openly said “Yeah we’re gonna invite Zeta over”, would you be happy? WOULD YOU? No you wouldn’t, so WHY THE F*CK WOULD YOU DO IT TO THEM?? IN FRONT OF THEM?!! First of all, you SHOULDN’T be post gaming at other frats, I don’t give a F*CK if your boyfriend is in it, if your brother is in it, or if your entire family is in that frat. YOU DON’T GO. YOU. DON’T. GO. And you ESPECIALLY do f*cking NOT convince other girls to leave with you.
“But Julia!”, you say in a whiny little bitch voice to your computer screen as you read this email, “I’ve been cheering on our teams at all the sports, doesn’t that count for something?” NO YOU STUPID F*CKING ASS HATS, IT F*CKING DOESN’T. DO YOU WANNA KNOW F*CKING WHY?!! IT DOESN’T COUNT BECAUSE YOU’VE BEEN F*CKING UP AT SOBER F*CKING EVENTS TOO. I’ve not only gotten texts about people being f*cking WEIRD at sports (for example, being stupid shits and saying stuff like “durr what’s kickball?” is not f*cking funny), but I’ve gotten texts about people actually cheering for the opposing team. The opposing. F*cking. Team. ARE YOU F*CKING STUPID?!! I don’t give a SHIT about sportsmanship, YOU CHEER FOR OUR GODDAMN TEAM AND NOT THE OTHER ONE, HAVE YOU NEVER BEEN TO A SPORTS GAME? ARE YOU F*CKING BLIND? Or are you just so f*cking dense about what it means to make people like you that you think being a good little supporter of the greek community is going to make our matchup happy? Well it’s time someone told you, NO ONE F*CKING LIKES THAT, ESPECIALLY OUR F*CKING MATCHUP. I will f*cking c%nt punt the next person I hear about doing something like that, and I don’t give a f*ck if you SOR me, I WILL F*CKING ASSAULT YOU.
“Ohhh Julia, I’m now crying because your email has made me oh so so sad”. Well good. If this email applies to you in any way, meaning if you are a little asswipe that stands in the corners at night or if you’re a weird shit that does weird shit during the day, this following message is for you:
DO NOT GO TO TONIGHT’S EVENT.
I’m not f*cking kidding. Don’t go. Seriously, if you have done ANYTHING I’ve mentioned in this email and have some rare disease where you’re unable to NOT do these things, then you are HORRIBLE, I repeat, HORRIBLE PR FOR THIS CHAPTER. I would rather have 40 girls that are fun, talk to boys, and not f*cking awkward than 80 that are f*cking faggots. If you are one of the people that have told me “Oh nooo boo hoo I can’t talk to boys I’m too sober”, then I pity you because I don’t know how you got this far in life, and with that in mind don’t f*cking show up unless you’re going to stop being a goddamn cock block for our chapter. Seriously. I swear to f*cking God if I see anyone being a goddamn boner at tonight’s event, I will tell you to leave even if you’re sober. I’m not even kidding. Try me.
And for those of you who are offended at this email, I would apologize but I really don’t give a f*ck. Go f*ck yourself.
Using things like “retarded” and “faggots” as insults aside, you have to admit the girl has quite the knack for completely capturing the rage she feels and forming it into words. And when those words include the phrase “c%nt punt”? Someone get this woman a Nobel Prize, stat.
Of course this letter was sent over to Gawker and even less surprising, the internet and it’s minions jumped on it like a duck on a june bug. Those of us who aren’t in the mood to hire Man of Steel and Boardwalk Empire‘s Michael Shannon to do a dramatic reading of the diatribe turned to those who were, not surprisingly, it was Funny or Die.
As if that wasn’t enough, the geniuses behind “The Most Popular Girls” decided to do their own take on the correspondence. Something about Barbie dropping F-bombs like it was her job just makes it even funnier, which I didn’t even think was possible.
Michael Shannon and Barbie not doing it for you? Then how about Nerdist’s Alison Haislip?
I think we can all agree, these are fabulous but what about poor Rachel’s future? Here she has had a momentary lapse in judgement that will likely follow her through the years as she attempts to find a life after college and in the professional world. For all we know, she is a perfectly lovely young woman outside of this incident.
Oh wait, no she’s not as her now deleted tweets show.
So obviously, being self-aware and sensitive to the feelings of others is not really Rebecca’s strong suit. Her parents must be so proud. Good luck Ms. Martinson, you are going to need it.
Join us next time as we all audit University of Maryland’s class, The Internet Never Forgets 101.