All posts by Stephen Sanchez

MOVIES

Craptastic Movie Reviews! – Assault of the Sasquatch

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Whoooooooo-eeeeee! You smell that? It’s the overflow coming from this craptastic piece of garbage. Seriously, I was hoping to be pleasantly entertained by a piece of intentionally bad cinema. But this flick was too atrocious for me to even stand! Check out the trailer for Assault of the Sasquatch before you read the review:

A simple story of course; An “awesome” bear poacher named Terry Drake, and his two stereotypical, inbred, redneck cohorts are having a fun night of….checking bear traps. When one of the rednecks, we’ll call him Bubba, because I didn’t care to remember his name, goes to check one of the bear traps it’s revealed to contain a Sasquatch! Mr. Sasquatch promptly assaults Bubba by ripping half his face to shreds, but before he can eat him, Drake and Redneck #2 show up to shoot the beast. Somehow that tranquilizes the ‘squatch and Drake and Redneck #2 wheel it to their truck to make a shitload of money off of their catch. Eye-patch Drake coldly leaves Bubba to die, stating that “he hates wasting bait”.

Honestly, the movie only gets shittier and shittier while it tries to create a subplot about a police officer – Ryan Walker – involving an apprehended criminal he and his family had a run in with in years previous. This fails miserably because I’m honestly just interested in seeing some f–king Sasquatch assault and the only thing I’ve seen up to this point is one face gouge, and the stomping off an ankle biter dog. That was in an apartment the Sasquatch sneaked into. It should have been funny watching the dog get stomped because I hate tiny dogs for the most part, but it still sucked. Not to mention there is a rap song playing the entire time, talking constantly about a chick popping her booty. Check out the music video for it below. It will give you an idea of how un-terrifying the Sasquatch in this movie is. He looks like some overweight turd of average height:

https://youtu.be/2vghhao6ABA

All of that nonsense and the inclusion of the moron in the next video made the movie over the top annoying to me. I really hope this walking waste of space is in no more movies… ever. EVERRRRRRRRRRRR!

Overall I have to give this movie a Craptastic one Bear out of five. I put it above zero because even though it sucked, at least most of the deaths were on-screen, unlike some movies. (Looking at you GRIZZLY PARK!)

Craptastic Bonus Fun Fact: Big Foot is fake!

Movie News & Opinions

James Bond 23: Moneypenny Cast, Javier Bardem and Ralph Fiennes Also to Star

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Sick of not seeing little Miss Moneypenny in the Daniel Craig Bond movies? Well then shut your face because she’s finally been cast in the form of actress Naomie Harris, known mostly for her role as Tia Dalma in the second and third Pirates of the Caribbean movies. For those of you not familiar with Moneypenny in the Bond films, she is the assistant to James Bond’s boss M. In the role of assistant, she is bombarded with all sorts of sexual harassment from 007 to no avail on his part. She may be the only chick Bond hasn’t banged. Will he finally make his dream a reality in this next spy escapade? Or will she perhaps play a bigger role in the movie, because that would be nice instead of a brief appearance so all of the Bond fans can laugh at the latest Bond sexual quips.

Naomie Harris as Moneypenny isn’t the only casting news to come out for Bond 23. Two heavy hitters appear to joining the film as well. Check out a small blurb from IGN below:

In addition to reporting Harris’ casting, The Daily Mail also says acclaimed actors Javier Bardem and Ralph Fiennes are set to appear in Bond 23, which begins filming later this year.

And here is how the actors will be portrayed in Bond 23!

Unfortunately there is no mention of what roles they might be playing in the movie, though with Ralph Fiennes I would think he’d play one hell of a villain. I mean come on, he’s freakin’ Voldemort! Bardem I guess could go either way as a villain or ally to Bond. I’m just excited that filming starts this year and there is a strong cast. Anyone out there excited for more Bond? Or is 007 wearing thin on you?

POP CULTURE

Scum of the Week – Maniac Honda Driver of Harlem

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Okay, if you’re driving a “tricked out” Honda Pilot, then you’re already certified scum. Seriously just those words all put together are terrible. Tricked. Out. Honda. Pilot. Disgusting should be added onto that. So it’s bad enough if you’re the proud owner of a tricked out Honda Pilot, but it’s a hundred times worse if hit your wife with it and then kept going and proceeded to flip before getting on the highway. That’s just what some foolish Harlem resident did on Saturday. Talk about instant karma, this ass-faced moron was taking double doses after his craziness. Here’s an excerpt from the New York Daily News:

A maniac driver mowed down his wife in Midtown and then sped off, leaving her half-naked body in the street – and then later flipped his car on the Harlem River Drive, police said.

The 28-year-old driver was in serious condition at Harlem Hospital after he wrecked his tricked-out Honda Pilot near the on-ramp to the George Washington Bridge.

The 23-year-old victim, meanwhile, was in critical condition at Bellevue Hospital Saturday, hours after the wild 3 a.m. accident on W. 46th St.

Investigators are still piecing together what led to the chaotic scene, but witnesses said the victim was working at the El Tequilazo bar in the moments before she was injured.

She was sent flying after she was struck by the Honda –  which had a customized Superman theme on its front bumper and her husband behind the wheel, witnesses and police sources said.

Investigators could not say if the man deliberately ran over his wife, or if she fell after trying to hold onto the car.

Hopefully this idiot’s wife recovers from this and proceeds to divorce his prison-bound ass. And hopefully Mr. Honda will never be able to drive again once he recovers in the hospital.

COMICS/PRINT, Uncategorized

Star Wars: ‘Darth Plagueis’ Novel Cover Revealed

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All fans of Sith Lords rejoice! After so many rumors, cancellations, and delays – we are finally going to get the oft talked about Darth Plagueis novel! Darth Plagueis is, as you may or may not know, the Master of future Sith Lord and Emperor – Darth Sidious. Or as he is known to the gullible galaxy at large: Emperor Palpatine. Here is the description below from Starwars.com:

Revenge of the Sith, while attending a ballet, Supreme Chancellor Palpatine casually mentions to Anakin Skywalker the tale of Darth Plagueis. Plagueis was a Sith Lord so wise and powerful, that he could even manipulate the Force to create life or stop death in others. Ironically, such a powerful being could not prevent his own death, for in the way of the Sith, Plagueis was killed in his sleep by his apprentice.

Palpatine told the captivating tale to start certain wheels spinning in the Chosen One’s head. Ever since then, Star Wars fans have been clamoring to know more about Plagueis. Author James Luceno delves into the secrets of the dark side to find out more about Darth Sidious and Darth Plagueis in a new hardcover novel, Star Wars: Darth Plagueis, due out this winter.

Continue reading Star Wars: ‘Darth Plagueis’ Novel Cover Revealed →

Movie News & Opinions

The Hobbit’s First Three Dwarves Revealed!

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Man these Hobbit movies are up and running fast now! The cast is set, the release dates are set, and the titles are now set! Check out our last Hobbit update for more on that. And now, thanks to all of the constant set and production updates, Peter Jackson was gracious enough to show us a first glimpse at three of the Dwarfs featured in the group traveling to the Lonely Mountain. Behold them in all of their bearded majesty! Check out the latest description from IGN below:

The photo, released via The Hobbit’s official Facebook page, shows actors Jed Brophy, Adam Brown and Mark Hadlow as Dori, Ori and Nori, respectively.

Don’t know who Nori, Ori and Nori are? Not to worry. Here’s the official description:

“These three brothers, all sons of the same mother, could not be more different from each other. Dori, the oldest, spends much of his time watching out for Ori, the youngest; making sure he’s not caught a chill or got himself killed by Wargs or Goblins. Nobody quite knows what Nori gets up to most of the time, except that it’s guaranteed to be dodgy and quite probably, illegal. Dori, Nori and Ori are intensely loyal to each other – and whilst they are perfectly happy fighting amongst themselves, woe-betide anyone who means harm to one of these brothers.”

As much I enjoyed seeing Dori, Nori and Ori, I’m really just waiting to see Thorin Oakenshield in all his badassness! (New word for the dictionary perhaps?) And I’m sure I’ll probably have a complete heart-attack upon seeing the finished product of Smaug the dragon. So what does everyone think? Is it off to a good start? Do the Dwarfs look good or just plain creepy? If you say that the one on the left looks creepy I won’t argue with ya there!

TV

2 Roles Cast For Game of Thrones Season 2

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Though there are still a ton of parts in Game of Thrones Season 2 (I hope they start calling it A Clash of Kings) to be cast such as Robert and Renly’s brother Stannis, and his ‘advisor’ Melisandre, two of them are indeed ready to go. The first, which I see as a very limited role for this season, is the sister of Loras Tyrell (The Knight of the Flowers) Margaery.

She will be portrayed by Natalie Dormer, who’s most notable role to date is that of Anne Boleyn in the Showtime series The Tudors. Dormer looks suited to play the role of the prim and proper Margaery… or is she so proper? Wait till season 2 to find out.

What a marvelous photoshop job by Dr. Kronner

The next role filled is by far the more interesting one, and quite a big part to fill at that (Pun intended). According to IGN, 6’3 tall Gwendoline Christie will play the part of ‘Brienne of Tarth’, a noble born woman who seeks to become a knight in Westeros where women aren’t normally accepted in that role.

She’s basically what Arya always wanted to become in a sense. And if you’re growning thinking that this is some sappy tale of woman’s struggle to be accepted then you’re sadly mistaken. Most of the guys in the series don’t agree with her pretending to be a warrior wearing armor, and many aren’t afraid to tell her. I think its best to clear up also that Gwendoline Christie is a model, and before book purists start freaking out may I remind of how unattractive they made Natalia Tena as Osha look in season 1.

I’m sure Brienne will be her normal unattractive self when the time comes. Read what George R.R. Martin had to say about the casting on his blog via IGN:

On his blog, Game of Thrones author George R.R. Martin — a co-executive producer on the TV series — wrote about Christie’s casting, using the above photo as accompaniment.

Wrote Martin, “This was another one of those cases where there was hardly any debate. The day the first batch of auditions went up for the role, we looked at a dozen actresses who were reading for Brienne and one actress who WAS Brienne. Gwendoline gave a great reading, and her look was just perfect. No, when she auditioned, she did not look she does in the photo above. She came in looking… well, like Brienne.”

So hopefully we’ll know plenty more of the actors and actresses cast after Game of Thrones panel is unleashed at the San Diego Comic Con later this month. After all filming for season 2 is scheduled to start at the end of July, so definitely expect the floodgates to open!

What do all you GoT fans think of the casting decisions? Perfect or too minor to care?