Craptastic Movie Reviews! – Assault of the Sasquatch

Whoooooooo-eeeeee! You smell that? It’s the overflow coming from this craptastic piece of garbage. Seriously, I was hoping to be pleasantly entertained by a piece of intentionally bad cinema. But this flick was too atrocious for me to even stand! Check out the trailer for Assault of the Sasquatch before you read the review:

A simple story of course; An “awesome” bear poacher named Terry Drake, and his two stereotypical, inbred, redneck cohorts are having a fun night of….checking bear traps. When one of the rednecks, we’ll call him Bubba, because I didn’t care to remember his name, goes to check one of the bear traps it’s revealed to contain a Sasquatch! Mr. Sasquatch promptly assaults Bubba by ripping half his face to shreds, but before he can eat him, Drake and Redneck #2 show up to shoot the beast. Somehow that tranquilizes the ‘squatch and Drake and Redneck #2 wheel it to their truck to make a shitload of money off of their catch. Eye-patch Drake coldly leaves Bubba to die, stating that “he hates wasting bait”.

Honestly, the movie only gets shittier and shittier while it tries to create a subplot about a police officer – Ryan Walker – involving an apprehended criminal he and his family had a run in with in years previous. This fails miserably because I’m honestly just interested in seeing some f–king Sasquatch assault and the only thing I’ve seen up to this point is one face gouge, and the stomping off an ankle biter dog. That was in an apartment the Sasquatch sneaked into. It should have been funny watching the dog get stomped because I hate tiny dogs for the most part, but it still sucked. Not to mention there is a rap song playing the entire time, talking constantly about a chick popping her booty. Check out the music video for it below. It will give you an idea of how un-terrifying the Sasquatch in this movie is. He looks like some overweight turd of average height:

All of that nonsense and the inclusion of the moron in the next video made the movie over the top annoying to me. I really hope this walking waste of space is in no more movies… ever. EVERRRRRRRRRRRR!

Overall I have to give this movie a Craptastic one Bear out of five. I put it above zero because even though it sucked, at least most of the deaths were on-screen, unlike some movies. (Looking at you GRIZZLY PARK!)

Craptastic Bonus Fun Fact: Big Foot is fake!

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