A lot of websites will make a dream team of the best players. Hell, that’s what the All-Star Game is supposed to be. But no one ever has created a team based on the most perverted names, its true (I can’t back that up). I was sitting at the baseball game on Monday giggling like a 8-year-old at Doug Fister and wondered what a team of sexual innuendo’s and dirty sounding names would look like. I remember some of the greats like Steve Sax, Dick Pole and Rusty Kuntz, but I wanted to focus on current players.
Below you have my wonder team, with names, that when strung together, could form a decent “Dear Penthouse”. I picked five starting pitchers, each position player and a designated hitter. So read through, tell me what you think. Who would you add or remove.
Bartolo Colon, New York Yankees
Colon has been in the league since 1997 and has spent time with six teams and has been serviceable throughout most of his career. Why does he make the team, while without that funny little line over the “o”, his name would be colon, as in poop chute.
R.A. Dickey, New York Mets
Dickey really hasn’t done a lot in the league, experiencing some injuries and then transitioning to a knuckleball pitcher. He is 5-11 this year with the Mets, but even with that record, with a name like Dickey, he has to make this team.
Doug Fister, Detroit Tigers
Fister was traded this year from Seattle to Detroit in the All-Perverted Team trade of the year: Fister for Furbush. I don’t know how more Fister jerseys aren’t walking around Comerica Park.
Not too early to start thinking of Christmas presents for your humble author.
Charlie Furbush, Seattle Mariners
The second half of the trade and a player with a lot of potential in the Majors. That being said his name is Furbush. I am so glad I wasn’t him during sex ed classes, because once kids figured out his name was dirty they had to be relentless. I would say they chewed him up, but that’s too far.
Chien-Ming Wang, Washington Nationals
Man that’s two penis related players already, that is going to stop being funny real soon. He he he…wang. I spoke too soon, they’re still funny.
JJ Putz, Arizona Diamondbacks
JJ Putz is from Trenton, MI and is having a great year with 30 saves in 34 attempts. I thought that a putz was somebody that was just lazy. Turns out it is also Yiddish for penis. I don’t know if that’s true, but the Urban Dictionary tells me that, so it has to be.
Kerry Wood, Chicago Cubs
Kerry Wood was part of that Chicago hype machine and a super prospect who had an arm that happened to be made of glass. He ended up being injured and placed on the disabled list 14 times in 13 seasons. He also has the distinction of being the third penis related player.
CATCHER: Rob Johnson, San Diego Padres
Somebody named Johnson had to be on the list. Again with the dick joke though. Why are there no last names like Cunt or Twat or Vag? Could you imagine going into an interview and being like, “Hi, I’m Joe Harryaxewound”? You could work NOWHERE!!
FIRST BASE: Albert Pujols, St. Louis Cardinals
Pujols is arguably the best player in the game right now, 2001 ROY, 9 x All Star, and 3 x NL MVP. Watching him hit is one of the most impressive athletic things that I have ever seen. That being said his name is Poo-Holes.
Hopefully Fister can one day pitch to Pujols.
SECOND BASE: Nick Punto, St. Louis Cardinals
Punto sort of sounds like Cunt-o, right? I don’t know, I was reaching. You look at the active second baseman if you think you can find better. You probably would have went with Omar Infante you pedophile!
THIRD BASE: Evan Longoria, Tampa Bay Devil Rays
Evan Longoria and a bunch of prospects came together for the Rays the last few years and had a few good years including a World Series in 2008 in large part to Longoria. The Rays however have sold or lost most of that team before 2011 leaving Longoria to work alone. But that’s ok because he’s long and strong and down to get the friction on.
SHORTSTOP: Hanley Ramirez, Florida Marlins
First off, the name Hanley makes me think of getting an HJ. Not sure why, but it does. Next the last name is often shortened to Ram, which we can all figure out. If I shorten both of them up I get Han-Ram, which makes me think of the Fister-Furbush trade. My brain makes weird connections. Do not ever do one of those random word associations with me…it will scare you.
LEFT FIELD: Felix Pie, Baltimore Orioles
Pie has been platooning for the Orioles in left field, and been able to a, well, sub par season. But he makes it on our team because his last name. It’s like warm apple pie.
CENTER FIELD: Michael Bourn, Atlanta Braves
Bourn is having a really great year, playing well above his career norms with a .301 average which is why the Braves traded for him from the Astros. He has been handy with the glove, covering centerfield well, but he also serves as a reminder that if you don’t wear a love glove, something will be born.
RIGHT FIELD: Kosuke Fukudome, Cleveland Indians
Cubs fans are pretentious assholes. I’m glad he’s on the Indians now. Plus his name is a whole dirty sentence. Here is video evidence of Cubs fans being morons.
DESIGNATED HITTER: Adam Dunn, White Sox
Biggest. Disappointment. Ever. Talk about flushing money down the drain with his off-season signing, the South-siders looked poised to steal the AL Central. But he has been terrible and has a damn good chance of finishing under .175 BA. He makes the team because even though his career may be done, he done the city of Chicago raw.