One of the last films completed under the old MGM leadership (the other being Red Dawn, and both starring Thor) the release of this movie had been delayed several times, originally slated for wide release on February 5, 2010 – it has now been announced that it will come out April (Friday) the 13th, 2012. And let me just say – it’s about fricking time.
Category Archives: Movie News & Opinions
#19 – Countdown to Christmas: HOW THE GRINCH STOLE CHRISTMAS
On December 18th, 1966, CBS debuted How the Grinch Stole Christmas on televisions everywhere. Since this was the year that my dad was born, I had to wait a few years to see it. When I did finally watch this hilarious cartoon, I loved it, and have ever since.
Narrated by horror legend Boris Karloff, this timeless movie (based off the 1957 book) tells the story of a grumpy recluse who hates Christmas. Not only does the Grinch hate Christmas, but all the singing and happiness that goes along with it. For this reason, he wants to get rid of it all together. So he does what any self-respecting Grinch would do, he decides to steal Christmas!
So Mr. Grinch goes around to all of the houses in the town of Whoville at night dressed as Santa Claus, and with his dog dressed like a reindeer, and he steals everything from Christmas trees to cans of ‘Who Hash’.
The next morning, as the Grinch awakes to witness the aftermath of his evening of cruelty, he instead hears every Who in Whoville singing. Despite the disappearance of their Christmas dinners and tress and presents and lights, the Whos were still singing.
This is when he realized that even though they didn’t have Christmas gifts or Christmas dinner, the Whos were still filled with love and the Christmas spirit. His heart which was once two sizes too small grew three times larger and he was filled up with the spirit of the holiday, at which point he then returns all of the Christmas gifts, and is even invited to carve the roast beast at dinner. He is a changed man. Er…Grinch.
How the Grinch Stole Christmas is, and always will be, one of the greatest Christmas movies to watch. It is a classic, and deserves a 5/5.
#20 – Countdown to Christmas: JINGLE ALL THE WAY
We’ve all seen action stars muck it up by playing the tough guy in a kids movie and to be honest I haven’t seen many of them. Vin Diesel did The Pacifier; Jackie Chan did The Spy Next Door. Hell, The Rock has probably done the most with the worst of them being The Tooth Fairy. Honestly, don’t rip me for not having seen that one and still judging it. You know it sucks. The Great Arnold Schwarzenegger has even done it and there is no doubt that it worked, because I and countless others love Kindergarten Cop. Who wouldn’t to see Arnold yelling at kids and telling them there is no bathroom? However, Arnold did make a misstep and it was a giant one at that. There is also a name for it: Jingle All the Way.
Where to begin with this one…. Maybe with the premise: The movie involves the real reason for the holidays of course, which is parents attempting to murder one another for some idiotic piece of shit toy made in a sweat shop overseas. Now, this toy can range from something like ‘Tickle Me Elmo’ to…. Some other type of Elmo. The toy in this case though would be the very homoerotic Turbo Man toy.
Honestly the thing looks like Buzz Lightyear if he wore a suit that was bright red and gold that accentuated his man features to the max. Of course the black hole of acting named Jake Lloyd wants one of these Turbo Man action figures, so he has the highest hopes of his father Howard Langston to get him one. In fact, little orphan Ani-Vader Jamie pretty much has the assumption that his well off dad was smart enough and gave a big enough shit about him to get one before they sold out. Unfortunately little Vader, Howard doesn’t give a shit about you at all. His work has consumed him and he forgot all about the Turbo Man toy. (And I’m pretty sure he forgot about having a son too.)
So the main plot point of the movie is that ‘Howard Arnold Langston’ needs to brave the Christmas shopping season amidst a plethora of other rabid shopping parents scum. And by this time a Turbo Man action figure is harder to get than a McRib in Garmisch-Partenkirchen, Germany during a solar eclipse. The rest of the movie follows Howard’s hijinx as he attempts to get his hands on a Turbo Man.
Arnie’s co-star in this is the comedic talent has-been Sinbad, who plays ‘Myron the Mailman’ who reinforces stereotypes of Postal Workers who are mentally unstable amongst other things. Sinbad is just as terrible as everything else in this movie and his brand of comedy where he simply yells his lines loudly in Ebonics just does not do himself or the film any justice. Myron the sleaze bag is not Howard’s only obstacle through all of this. We’ve got pissed off Moms, criminal minded Santas (of all shapes and sizes.), the horny neighbor that is all over his wife and even a reindeer…. Yeah you heard me. A frickin’ reindeer.
There’s no two ways about it people. This movie is terrible, as I’ve come to realize most Christmas movies are. The cast had it’s ups and downs to be sure, but not even Phil Hartman and The Terminator could pick up the slack left by Sinbad and Kid Vader. If you want to keep your holiday cheer intact please avoid this movie and spend your time volunteering in your local soup kitchen or ringing a bell for the Salvation Army. Then again if you must insist on watching it, just check out the 16 second version below.
After all is said an done I give the movie 0 out of 5 Christmas Trees. How dare you sully the name of Christmas… you bastards. Feliz Navidad!
For more COUNTDOWN TO CHRISTMAS – Click it Here!
Also Check out our COUNTDOWN TO HALLOWEEN…
‘Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters’…Yes, I’m Serious
It seems as if Hansel & Gretel is yet another fairy tale to be bastardized by Hollywood, or is it? Earlier this year, a film entitled Snow White & the Huntsman was announced. It stars Kristen Stewart in the title role, and is a “re-imagining” of the story. In the original fairy tale, Snow White was to be taken to the Queen by a Huntsman, but in a nifty turn of events, the Huntsman actually becomes a “bodyguard” of sorts to Snow White and trains her to defeat the Queen. Where will the dwarves be? God, I really can’t wait to find out.
Regardless of my fetish for fighting dwarfs, Snow White & the Huntsman is another film in the long line of “Bad Career Choices for Stars of Twilight.” First it was Taylor Lautner in the dung-hole known as Abduction, and now this. An abomination to end all future fairy tale abominations.
Compared to that though, what’s the deal with Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters. No one in their right mind would finance this, but I shouldn’t say that so confidently (see: Year One, Van Helsing, and Superman IV: the Quest for Peace). Upon doing some more research, I discovered that it is in fact a satire of sorts, produced by Gary Sanchez productions, the collaborative effort of Will Ferrell and Adam McKay, as well as being directed by Tommy Wirkola, the half-man, half-genius behind the best Nazi-Zombie film ever made, Dead Snow. My sigh of relief was beginning to commence, especially when I learned that Jeremy Renner would be starring, until I read that Famke Janssen only took the role to pay off her mortgage.
The film itself follows our two favorite victims, Hansel & Gretel. It’s been 15 years since their “incident” involving a gingerbread house, and they’ve turned to the business of being bounty hunters, going after and killing witches all around the world.
The screenplay, which was penned by newcomer Dante Harper, didn’t really make me feel as nervous as it should. Take a look at Tucker & Dale Vs. Evil, for instance. An absolutely hilarious film that was written and directed by two first time filmmakers.
Honestly there are so many details and so much news coverage that’s going to either make me really want to see this movie, or boycott it, but until we see the trailer that’s being released on Thursday, we can’t make any judgments. All I’m asking is that we don’t have another repeat of Your Highness.
Oh, and Gemma Arterton will play Gretel…
‘John Carter’: Trailers, Pics, Banners and 100 Years of History
Originally created by Edgar Rice Burroughs, John Carter is a character with a long and rich history dating back to 1911. First premiering in A Princess of Mars, John Carter served as a Confederate captain in the Civil War, before dying and being transported by ‘astral projection’ into an exact duplicate of his body on Mars, where he lived a life full of adventure, love, and war.
The Barsoom Series featured 11 books in which John Carter was either a major or supporting character. He’s been referenced in a number of sci-fi epics and influenced tons of authors in his century long history. So basically that means his movie trilogy potential is there.
Continue reading ‘John Carter’: Trailers, Pics, Banners and 100 Years of History
#21 – Countdown to Christmas: SANTA’S SLAY
When is the best time of year to watch a great slasher flick? Perhaps you’re thinking about October, near Halloween. Maybe a Friday the 13th lands during the month and you need some Voorhees in your life. But I hope you haven’t forgotten about one of the best seasons of all. I’m talking about ‘Holiday Horror’. If you like Gremlins, then you like holiday horror. Or maybe you saw Fast Times at Ridgemont High, and loved anything with Phoebe Cates ever since. I don’t blame you.
Wether you spin dreidels, or hang stockings, holiday horror flicks are a delightful treat that enhance the truly horrific qualities of our favorite holidays. It is the most wonderful time of the year, so why not incorporate some gratuitous violence with your yule tide cheer? For a fantastic example, check out Santa’s Slay starring none other than WCW wrestling superstar Bill Goldberg. (Just so all you Wrestlemaniacs are well aware, he does throw his signature move, “The Spear.”) This all-star line up also includes James Cann, Chris Kattan, Fran Drescher, and Rebecca Gayheart. Oh wait, never mind. They all get axed within the first four minutes. This is a true sign of slasher genius.
The plot revolves around Nicholas Yuleson (Douglas Smith). A young teen struggling through the holidays with his bah humbug grandfather. Luckily he has his girlfriend Mary (Emilie de Ravin of “Lost”) by his side. The plot may have borrowed some ideas from the Rosemary’s Baby playbook. The film shows us there have been two immaculate conceptions. God and the Virgin Mary giving birth to Jesus Christ, and Satan with the Virgin Erika giving birth to none other than Santa. See what they did there? They switched the position of the “n”.
Grizzly Bomb 