Tag Archives: Jake Lloyd

Grizzly Review: Star Wars – The Phantom Menace 3D

So I was very excited to see Star Wars: Episode 1 in the theater for it’s re-release in 3D. Not because of the 3D, because I think 3D is the worst fad since parachute pants, but I wanted to see it because….well it’s Star Wars and I’m a huge Star Wars geek. And even though I knew what I was in store for with the terrible Jar Jar Binks jokes and horrible performance by Jake Lloyd as Anakin Skywalker, I was paying that admission price to at least watch the pod race scene and the Darth Maul v.s. Obi-Wan and Qui-Gon.

Phantom Menace 3d

Aside from mediocre acting from everyone except Liam Neeson and sometimes Ewan McGregor, the movie suffers from the same problems that it did almost 13 years back. The pacing was just God awful. You get a little bit of action and then some terribly long wandering around Tatooine and then an albeit cool yet ultimately too long pod racing sequence. After the pod race and short Qui-Gon/Maul skirmish we are treated to yet another extended lull in the story to deal with politics before the last twenty minutes of action finale. The political aspect is necessary to set Palpatine up as Supreme Chancellor, but one might wonder why Lucas didn’t just start the saga with Palpatine already as Supreme Chancellor. And while the political scenes are intriguing and moderately well done to a first time viewer, those who have seen the movie numerous times aren’t very enamored by them. I kept fighting the urge to go take a pee break during the senate scene because I didn’t want to miss the Jedi Council scenes with non-puppet Yoda.

YOU CREEP EVERYONE OUT, PUPPET YODA!

I’m kind of interested to see how the Phantom Menace re-release does in the box office after it’s historic $933 million dollar worldwide gross back in 1999. I’m also wondering just how people nowadays who haven’t seen it would react to the mediocre acting and Jar Jar hijinx, because I think we can all agree that there are blockbuster hits out there with far worst acting and way stupider shit that Jar Jar Binks plaguing our movie screens. (Twilight anyone?) After watching the movie in theatres again I recall feeling a little bit bored with the segments in between the action sequences, but I overall was glad that I went because of the nostalgic feel I get and watching the epic lightsaber fight at the end. And I also now have a sweet pair of Darth Maul 3D glasses to wear anytime I want. I give the re-release a 2 out of 5 grizzlies. Definitely one point off for the 3D fail aspect of the movie, but at least the experience didn’t suck anymore than it did thirteen years ago.

#20 – Countdown to Christmas: JINGLE ALL THE WAY

We’ve all seen action stars muck it up by playing the tough guy in a kids movie and to be honest I haven’t seen many of them. Vin Diesel did The Pacifier; Jackie Chan did The Spy Next Door. Hell, The Rock has probably done the most with the worst of them being The Tooth Fairy. Honestly, don’t rip me for not having seen that one and still judging it. You know it sucks. The Great Arnold Schwarzenegger has even done it and there is no doubt that it worked, because I and countless others love Kindergarten Cop. Who wouldn’t to see Arnold yelling at kids and telling them there is no bathroom? However, Arnold did make a misstep and it was a giant one at that. There is also a name for it: Jingle All the Way.

Where to begin with this one…. Maybe with the premise: The movie involves the real reason for the holidays of course, which is parents attempting to murder one another for some idiotic piece of shit toy made in a sweat shop overseas. Now, this toy can range from something like ‘Tickle Me Elmo’ to…. Some other type of Elmo. The toy in this case though would be the very homoerotic Turbo Man toy.

Honestly the thing looks like Buzz Lightyear if he wore a suit that was bright red and gold that accentuated his man features to the max. Of course the black hole of acting named Jake Lloyd wants one of these Turbo Man action figures, so he has the highest hopes of his father Howard Langston to get him one. In fact, little orphan Ani-Vader Jamie pretty much has the assumption that his well off dad was smart enough and gave a big enough shit about him to get one before they sold out. Unfortunately little Vader, Howard doesn’t give a shit about you at all. His work has consumed him and he forgot all about the Turbo Man toy. (And I’m pretty sure he forgot about having a son too.)

So the main plot point of the movie is that ‘Howard Arnold Langston’ needs to brave the Christmas shopping season amidst a plethora of other rabid shopping parents scum. And by this time a Turbo Man action figure is harder to get than a McRib in Garmisch-Partenkirchen, Germany during a solar eclipse. The rest of the movie follows Howard’s hijinx as he attempts to get his hands on a Turbo Man.

 Arnie’s co-star in this is the comedic talent has-been Sinbad, who plays ‘Myron the Mailman’ who reinforces stereotypes of Postal Workers who are mentally unstable amongst other things. Sinbad is just as terrible as everything else in this movie and his brand of comedy where he simply yells his lines loudly in Ebonics just does not do himself or the film any justice. Myron the sleaze bag is not Howard’s only obstacle through all of this. We’ve got pissed off Moms, criminal minded Santas (of all shapes and sizes.), the horny neighbor that is all over his wife and even a reindeer…. Yeah you heard me. A frickin’ reindeer.

There’s no two ways about it people. This movie is terrible, as I’ve come to realize most Christmas movies are. The cast had it’s ups and downs to be sure, but not even Phil Hartman and The Terminator could pick up the slack left by Sinbad and Kid Vader. If you want to keep your holiday cheer intact please avoid this movie and spend your time volunteering in your local soup kitchen or ringing a bell for the Salvation Army. Then again if you must insist on watching it, just check out the 16 second version below.

After all is said an done I give the movie 0 out of 5 Christmas Trees. How dare you sully the name of Christmas… you bastards. Feliz Navidad!

For more COUNTDOWN TO CHRISTMAS – Click it Here! 

Also Check out our COUNTDOWN TO HALLOWEEN… 

The Phantom Menace in 3D….Oh Boy.

Rarely do movies get re-released in theaters, and even more rarely in 3D. It’s even more rare when a bad movie gets re-released, let alone in 3D. Yes, according to a brief report over at Bleeding Cool, the Phantom Menace 3D transition is all but complete and Jar Jar Binks will soon be annoying you in more than two dimensions come February of 2012. Check out the report below:

I’ve just had a quick chat with Matt Bristowe, Head of Production at stereo house Prime Focus after the “big” 3D debate at Empire Big Screen. He’s confirmed for me that all work is complete on the 3D version of Star Wars Episode One: The Phantom Menace.

As well you know, the film is hitting cinemas next February. To hear Prime Focus talk about the film, they certainly seem to have done a lot of hard work on this one, considering the artistic implications of another dimension carefully.

Had only the first two dimensions been totally up to snuff, eh?

I’m not going to defend The Phantom Menace at all. People who hated it are completely justified in the way they feel about it, especially the die hard fans who waited a very long time for a new Star Wars movie only to get something woefully mediocre. I for one will be seeing the movie in 3D, trying every step of the way trying to not be annoyed to tears by Jar Jar’s antics and Jake Lloyd’s art form of shitty-acting. It’s really all a means to an end to see the epic lightsaber duel between Qui-Gon, Obi-Wan and Darth Maul. That fight scene was worth the price of admission even back in 1999.

Lucas’ plan is to release one Star Wars film in 3D each year so it looks like we’re looking towards 2016 and 2017 for Empire Strikes Back and Return of the Jedi… Well maybe just Empire Strikes Back because the notion of 3D Ewoks both sickens me and creeps me out.

I would also like to ask everyone to comment after reading this article to inspire Dr. Kronner to see this when it returns to theater next year. He’s stubbornly refused to ever watch The Phantom Menace again or even open a Christmas present containing the DVD. So your comments can act as a petition of sorts to break his spirit and force him to see Jar Jar again… in 3D!

10 Epic Trailers That Lead to Disappointing Movies…

For this list I looked at movies that were simply unable to live up to their incredible trailers. Trailers that were able to build an epic anticipation for the movie they were previewing. On this list are some of the best trailers ever made, which just goes to show, you don’t need a quality movie for a quality trailer…

10.) Watchmen

To start off the list I picked a movie that I actually liked. The problem is the trailer is so brilliantly crafted that is should’ve been a movie that I loved. This is a trailer I watched probably 100 times before the movie came out, and I was convinced that Watchmen, released in 2009, would indeed be was worthy DC Comic follow-up for 2008’s masterpiece The Dark Knight. These expectation proved lofty and unattainable. While not a bad movie, it’s simply not the same quality of movie advertised below…

Continue reading 10 Epic Trailers That Lead to Disappointing Movies…

Grizzly Review: Battle: Los Angeles

I’m a huge fan of movies involving extra terrestrials, [Ed. – ET for Life!] and there here has been a whole slew of them in the past year. None though stood out to me, or left a real lasting impression. I either disliked the aliens in them, or the cast of human characters trying to survive against them. Out of District 9, Monsters, and Skyline – I really only took a liking to District 9. Monsters didn’t show me enough aliens and Skyline had too many idiotic humans in it. But then I watched Battle LA.

Battle: Los Angeles was basically a simple storyline with excellent visuals. But being simple didn’t by any means make it a terrible movie. By simple I mean “Aliens are here killing people. We had better kick their asses.” which makes up pretty much 85% of the movie, but all the fire fights between the marines and aliens never wore thin for me. It was spread out and the scenes in between gave chances (albeit sparse) for character development. They also gave a nice overview of the characters at the beginning.

The cast was pretty rounded, very well put together. You get to see Ramon Rodriguez in a not so annoying role as a young commanding officer, as opposed to his vomit-inducing portrayal of Leo Spitz in the crap pile that was Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen.

Bridget Moynahan and Michael Pena were good, though both felt under-utilized. To their credit though, as civilians they didn’t bog the movie down at all and their characters actually enhanced scenes.

Even Michelle Rodriguez took a departure from her normal role as “Female Hardass Character who Yells a lot” in to a more realistic Air Force intel specialist who can fire a rifle. Still no ‘Damsel in Distress’, but something different for her. And then our hero of the movie, Aaron Eckhart. Eckhart was solid and believable as Marine Corp Staff Sargent Nantz, who was actually on his way out of the Corps when the alien aggressors launched their invasion. It’s his experience that gets our cast of characters moving.

The cast also includes a great young ensemble of actors as the grunts, including Cory Hardrict (Gran Turino), Noel Fisher (Terriers), and Will Rothhaar (Jack Frost). Hell, we even had child actor Bryce Cass, who was better than twenty Jake Lloyd‘s could have ever been!

Now I’m expecting a lot of people to ‘rabble rabble‘ about how cliché and melodramatic Eckhart’s couple of speeches to the troops are, but personally I had no problem with them. In terms of melodrama Independence Day still takes the cake on that one. And while I may feel the different about Battle: Los Angeles in about ten years, right now, I thought it was well done and heartfelt.

The movie was shot in a familiar way, the closest thing I can think of being Black Hawk Down, in terms of the urban warfare and house-to-house fighting. The camera utilized the ever-popular ‘shaky sense of urgency’ during the battle scenes, making you feel like you were in the middle of a firefight, actually watching the aliens landing in L.A. And their drone ships hovering all about the war-torn landscape of Los Angeles gave me goosebumps.

The aliens themselves overall were done pretty well. You only catch glimpses of them at first as they ambush our brave marines and seem nearly unkillable. After a certain point though, a weakness is obviously discovered, and then it’s game on.

The aliens reasoning for attacking Earth (which I won’t spoil) may initially sound stupid, but makes perfect sense once you think about it. If anyone out there is a fan of military movies, and alien invasions then this movie is the best of both worlds for you. Good pacing, great cast, and realistic looking effects.

It’s also very refreshing to see it win the weekend box office up against a variety of animated kids films and a Red Riding Hood-Twilight hybrid with a $36 million rake in. (Box Office Mojo)


Overall I give this movie a 4 out 5 Bears