Film posters are amazing. Not only do they help advertise to people quickly and easily the content of any film, they also are truly stunning pieces of art in themselves looking great displayed on our walls. However, this is not always the case. Some posters confuse us, so a bad film is made out to be good, while some don’t really tell us anything about the movie and others lose the plot entirely showing us random images or awful art and leave us thinking about what mental state the artist could have been when they devised this monster of a poster. For some reason some of the best examples of these types of poster come from abroad in non-English speaking countries and this is what I want to focus on here, those posters that with out the internet’s help would be lost in a trash can for all time. This week we focus on the Horror genre.
Here at Grizzly Bomb we love Horror Movies, both good and bad. Here are a few that are so bad they’re good. Get it? Good.
#10. Hollywood Chainsaw Hookers (1988)
Prostitutes, chainsaws, and Leatherface… what could be better? In Hollywood Chainsaw Hookers, Gunnar Hansen (Leatherface from the original Texas Chainsaw Massacre) plays he leader of a cult. Basically, the cult consists of hookers who love to cut up their Johns-turned-Victims with chainsaws. The group is discovered by a detective searching for a runaway, leaving for an interesting story and some fantastically horrible, but very sexy acting.
FUN FACT from Wikipedia:
The film begins with the disclaimer “The chainsaws used in this motion picture are real and dangerous! They are handled here by seasoned professionals. The makers of this motion picture advise strongly against anyone attempting to perform these stunts at home. Especially if you are naked and about to engage in strenuous sex.” The film ends with the promise of the sequel “Student Chainsaw Nurses”, which was never made.
#9. Rabid Grannies (1988)
This movie…is ridiculous. A nice big family out in the country gets together for their two grandmothers’ birthdays to celebrate. One of their grandchildren is a boy who worships the devil. They open his gift, and become cannibals, who need to eat all of their loved ones. This film is mostly ridiculous, but the gore is phenomenal. It was originally released as Les Mémés Cannibales in France. It is absolutely hilarious, and you will never look at your sweet old granny the same.
Fun fact: The DVD version of this movie had too much gore, and a lot of the gross stuff was taken out. The bonus features of the DVD show all of the previously removed content.
#8. The Stuff (1985)
This is one of my favorites on the list. This genius plot would touch any P.M.S.-ing woman’s heart…. an ice cream mogul trying to save the business. In “The Stuff”, a white foamy, creamy substance begins bubbling from the earth. FOR SOME REASON someone sees this substance and thinks… hmm… I’d like to taste that! It tastes so delicious that it becomes addictive, and people go crazy over it. Little do they know, it is parasitic and starts to seep into their brains. The people turn into zombie-like creatures. This plot has deeper holes in it than a Britney Spears love doll…. but it is fantastic just the same.
Fun fact: The scene in the motel where the Stuff comes out of the mattress and pillows and attacks the man on the wall and ceiling was shot in a room that could turn upside down, allowing the Stuff to move up and down the wall. It was exactly the same room used in A Nightmare on Elm Street when Johnny Depp’s character is sucked into his bed and his blood is regurgitated back out onto the ceiling.
#7. Howling 2: Your Sister Is A Werewolf/Howling II: Stirba – Werewolf Bitch (1985)
This movie has been called “breathtakingly awful”, and deservedly so. The Howling II is unfathomabley silly. Karen, the heroine from the first movie of the series, has died and they are now having her funeral. Evidence surfaces that she is a werewolf. Because of this, the character Stefan goes to put a titanium stake through Karen’s dead body. While trying to do this, two other characters Ben and Jenn, along with Stefan are attacked by Werewolves. They go on a quest to find Stirba… the Werewolf bitch… the SEXY werewolf bitch with huge jugs. This is an action-packed waste of a Thursday night if you are looking for a good horror flick. Then again, it is SO bad that it makes it good again.
Fun Fact: The movie is mentioned in the Yo La Tengo song “From a Motel 6” in the line “I climb where I can see – you’re close but I won’t reach. Blank stare at the TV- THE HOWLING II’s on Channel 3 I drift off to sleep, while the snow falls on the screen”.
#6. Critters (1986)
The Plot: “A massive ball of furry creatures from another world eat their way through a small mid-western town followed by intergalactic bounty hunters opposed only by militant townspeople.”
BASICALLY, little demonic Furbys and bounty hunters from outer space make for a movie with some laughs and little to keep me interested. The cow-eating scene was gross. UDDERly disturbing. Get it? I’m funny. LAUGH AT MY JOKES!
Fun Fact: The Critters movie series has a total of four movies. That is correct… THEY MADE SEQUELS, and one of them stars a young Leonardo DiCaprio. :/
#5. Microwave Massacre (1983)
Every guy has probably thought once or twice about shoving your woman in an insanely large microwave…. and eating her legs? This movie is phenomenal. In this movie, Donald plays the husband of May, a snooty woman who tries to be classy and is in fact no better than her bologna-eating neighbors. She buys a comically huge microwave one day to help her prepare her terrible food. After arguing one night, a drunken Donald decided to beat her incessantly with a pepper grinder and push his wife into a microwave. After finding her body in the large appliance the next morning, he is horrified…. but not for long. He decides for some reason to begin eating his wife. He packages her meat and stores it in his fridge. He does the same with her sister, who comes looking for her. He has a heart attack, and his wife’s head is found in his fridge. His friends realize he has been giving them May-sandwiches. I loved this movie. Top notch.
#4. Vampire Hookers (1978)
Orgies, vampire fapping, and vampires who tan. This is seriously amazing. I have never seen such little attention paid to detail. In this movie, John Carradine (Young Frankenstein) is an aged vampire who has a bevy of vampiric beauties who lure many of their customers back to his lair. It was filmed in the 70s, so I was glad that the drawn-out orgy scene didn’t show any 70s mega-bush.
Vampire Hookers was a hilarious movie with a very Scooby-Doo-like comedy to it (FOLLOW THAT CAB!)
#3. Slugs (1988)
The creepy-crawly feeling you get when you see a centipede crossing your bedroom wall… you get that feeling a lot in the movie Slugs.
It is quite ridiculous, but totally worth watching. In this movie, people keep suffering gruesome and unsuspecting deaths.
Mike Brady (Not the dad from the Brady Bunch), a doctor, develops the theory that this is the work of slugs. After being laughed at a whole lot, his theories are proven by the “slug professional”.
#2. Silent Night, Deadly Night Part 2 (1987)
After his older brother (psycho Santa) gets slayed at the conclusion of the first film, Ricky, psycho Santa’s baby brother, has an ax to grind with the naughty and continues to spread the family brand of holiday fear. He goes through killing innocent townspeople in horrible ways dressed as Santa.
Now, I hadn’t seen the first movie of the series, which ended up being just fine because of all of the flashbacks, they show almost all of it in here.
In fact, the movie ends with a dream sequence, involving scenes shot from the first movie. When you combine the awful acting, the shoddy cinematography, and the eyebrows… this movie is so bad it becomes good again.
Thank you to the big boss man for this suggestion.
#1. S.I.C.K. (Serial Insane Clown Killer) 2003
S.I.C.K. will always be on the top of my hilariously bad yet fantastically great horror flicks. I love this movie for several reasons, not the least of which is the acting. Oh my, the acting. It is very bad, despite how hard they are obviously trying to make it good. The plot: The main character, Brandon, invites some of his work friends and their women to his uncle’s cabin to spend the weekend. When eerie things start happening, like doll heads in the fridge (Dexter?) and finding what looks like a human butcher shop in Brandon’s uncle’s shed, they FOR SOME REASON do not suspect Brandon or his uncle to be doing these things. You’d figure that they would, considering when the power goes out Brandon says “MY UNCLE has a flashlight here” and when they can’t get a hold of anyone he says “MY UNCLE has a CB radio!”… followed by “MY UNCLE has a tool shed”. The “My Uncle” thing becomes sort of a running joke. My little sister Jessica saw this one with me, and we still say that to one another to get a laugh. The group travels out to the woods by the cabin and a killer clown chases them to kill them. You’ll never guess who the killer clown ends up being. It is worth watching ten times over. Everyone should see this spectacularly horrid film.
I hope you enjoyed my compilation of the ten best of the worst horror movies of all time. I realize that there are two different hooker movies in here. Guest writer Tim says that “It is because hookers make for great horror movies because no one cares if they die”. Zing. “And awayyy we go!” (If you watch S.I.C.K. you will get that joke).