[divider] The Cannes film festival is a time of celebration for the movie industry as every big Hollywood studio tries to woo fans and press alike with their new releases. But it is not just big budget ventures like Only God Forgives that get a chance to shine in the limelight because Cannes is also a time when the low budget companies get to play. These companies don’t get their fair share of attention in my eyes so here is a list of the top twelve picks from this year’s Cannes. Some are good and some are bad, very very bad but at least they are always interesting to look at.
[tabgroup][tab title=” Abner the Invisible Dog “]
Words escape me on this one. I think I will just slowly walk away from the computer and get some mind bleach to erase the fact I ever set eyes on this awful poster with its over used plot device. What is the fascination with dogs at Cannes this year? This is the second film that has a dog in the lead. Fred Olen Ray, the once master of cheap horror movies, made this and I really think he should have known better.
[/tab][tab title=” Android Cop “]
With a costume straight out of a bargain basement Halo movie and a cover entirely created on computer I am guessing that this is going to be a laugh riot, whether it was intended to be or not. It is hard to see what film the makers are going for here. It seems like Robocop but why bring a Robocop copy out now? This looks bad even for low budget movies.
[/tab] [tab title=” Copposites “]
A washed up cop and a law breaker on the mend do the body swap routine in this supposed comedy. I am guessing there is hilarity to be had with plenty of slightly dubious racial jokes and digs at how bad law enforcement officers are. It is a well known fact that mustaches sell cinema tickets so I am glad that this film has obliged us with one hell of a top lip curler. The body swap genre is not one I ever needed to revisit and I doubt this film is going to change my mind…………Who am I kidding? I will be watching it as soon as it is released on DVD.
[/tab] [tab title=” Dragons 2 “]
Do I know anything about Dragons 1? No, nothing at all but if it looks anything like the sequel then I am happy in my ignorance. I don’t think I have ever seen a cover so cluttered with CGI tat before. It is so crammed in you can barely see what is going on as one colour mixes into another; oh look I think I see a dragon. Why does the Snooki look alike on the front have no neck and such a weird body shape? That is the danger of photoshop overuse and it has really screwed up this poor woman’s proportions. Unless she actually looks like that and if that’s the case I am very sorry. This was not the only dragon film at Cannes either; there are at least two more. I think dragons may be the new low budget zombie for film makers now, a thought that makes me tremble with fear.
[/tab] [tab title=” FDR: American Badass “]
I am a sucker for anything with Barry Bostwick in so I would see this anyway but what is there not to like here? An American president who battles polio but still finds time to get kitted out with a killer wheel chair courtesy of Einstein and the CIA makes me think this is probably not factually accurate. If this image alone is not enough to get you all psyched up then guess who the villains are? Only Nazi Werewolves! Yeah I have seen loads of Nazi zombies but Nazis werewolves only turn up once in a blue moon. There is not one part of this poster I do not like, it is simply stunning.
[/tab] [tab title=” My Dog the Champion “]
When I hear the word spoiled teenager in a sentence I can assume that by the film’s end she will have ditched her selfish ways and become someone that loves all her family and friends. Now add in an elderly grandpa and a dog that needs training for a show and you have this film in a nutshell. If this done to death plot is not enough to put you off, then look at the complete lack of effort that has gone into producing this poster. I can see 7 different photos here, all of which have been thrown together to create this mess. Was it so hard for the actors all to get together to have their photo taken? The dogs must have been free at least. Oh why Lance why did you agree to do this piece of rubbish. You are so much better than this and you know it!
[/tab] [tab title=” Robot “]
No, sorry. This is a guy in silver makeup, not a robot. You are not fooling me with that nonsense. Unless the guy thinks he is a robot and the kid is his mentor. That would be okay but if that is not the case then this is just a really poorly devised robot. That kid really freaks me out to. Why is he so scary looking? The finger pointing to the potential victim (or me, as he is looking right at me) is quite disconcerting. Still it has a rocket launcher in it so it cannot be all that bad.
[/tab] [tab title=” Santa Claws “]
At first I thought this movie was actually one of the many horror Santa flicks that litter the shelves in DVD rental stores near Christmas. But it is actually a kid’s film where Santa does not deliver cats at Christmas because of his allergies. Santa should not be delivering animals anyway in my view, just think of the mess it would make in the sled. Anyway, one child called Little Tommy has been extra good so Santa breaks his own rules and brings him a kitten. It sucks to be Santa though because not just one cat gets in his sack but the whole litter leading to hilarity when the kittens have to deliver the presents themselves while Santa suffers a massive allergic reaction. No news on whether Santa actually survives this attack or even if the kittens can drive a sled. I bet the kittens can talk too; they always talk in these kinds of movies.
[/tab] [tab title=” Sharknado “]
There are a few films on this list that are just plain awful and there are even fewer which actually look like they might be amazing movies. This is one of those elite few. “Enough Said” is the tag line and it has won me over already. It is by Asylum, the bastions of all things ripped off and CGI enhanced, so I cannot wait for this one to come my way. A tornado of sharks is enough to make any cinema goer jump out of their seat in delight.
[/tab] [tab title=” Ultimate Adventure “]
Adventure is spelled wrong in the title but I will let them off as it is a foreign release and maybe that’s how they spell it over there. The reason I liked this particular poster was I had no idea what was going on. A cat ( or it could be a rabbit I guess) that looks a lot like David Tennant as Doctor Who carries a cheering cat (or rabbit) partner while they chase a horrified / excited rabbit across a landscape that has pigs in suits and a crocodile as the villain? Well it has certainly piqued my interest.
[/tab] [tab title=” Voyage “]
Director Scud brings us this Hong Kong treat about a depressed psychiatrist who visits former clients to get some closure. They all apparently live on nudist beaches as this is the only reason I can think for him being in the nip. The director says there is a funny hara-kiri scene in this so that’s something to look forward to. I have no idea what to think of this film. It looks like the male equivalent of the late night erotic thrillers Shannon Tweed used to make or at the very least a more disturbing take on Cast Away. Well they do say sex sells but in this case it really has not worked for me.
[/tab] [tab title=” Zombie Night “]
Why this company even bothered to make this film is beyond me. It covers so many over used horror film clichés it will be pointless watching. It has something sinister happening on Halloween, a zombie hand popping out the ground that we have seen a hundred times before and it is yet another zombie movie. The only way this movie could be saved is if the zombie goes trick or treating for brains. Now that is a film I would like to see.
So that’s it for the round up of Cannes 2013 weird and wonderful movies. Thanks to Total Film and The Guardian for the poster selections. These two sites have a few more gems that I did not have the heart to write about so if you liked this selection then it may be worth checking them out to. I doubt we will hear from most of these straight to DVD movies ever again but if Sharknado and FDR American Badass do not get a release somewhere then the cinematic world will be a lonelier place because of it.