Tag Archives: Robot

Film Festival Fodder: 12 of the Craziest Posters from Cannes 2013

[divider] The Cannes film festival is a time of celebration for the movie industry as every big Hollywood studio tries to woo fans and press alike with their new releases. But it is not just big budget ventures like Only God Forgives that get a chance to shine in the limelight because Cannes is also a time when the low budget companies get to play. These companies don’t get their fair share of attention in my eyes so here is a list of the top twelve picks from this year’s Cannes. Some are good and some are bad, very very bad but at least they are always interesting to look at.

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Abner the Invisible Dog

Words escape me on this one. I think I will just slowly walk away from the computer and get some mind bleach to erase the fact I ever set eyes on this awful poster with its over used plot device. What is the fascination with dogs at Cannes this year? This is the second film that has a dog in the lead. Fred Olen Ray, the once master of cheap horror movies, made this and I really think he should have known better.

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Android Cop

With a costume straight out of a bargain basement Halo movie and a cover entirely created on computer I am guessing that this is going to be a laugh riot, whether it was intended to be or not. It is hard to see what film the makers are going for here. It seems like Robocop but why bring a Robocop copy out now? This looks bad even for low budget movies.

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Copposites

A washed up cop and a law breaker on the mend do the body swap routine in this supposed comedy. I am guessing there is hilarity to be had with plenty of slightly dubious racial jokes and digs at how bad law enforcement officers are. It is a well known fact that mustaches sell cinema tickets so I am glad that this film has obliged us with one hell of a top lip curler. The body swap genre is not one I ever needed to revisit and I doubt this film is going to change my mind…………Who am I kidding? I will be watching it as soon as it is released on DVD.

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Dragons 2

Do I know anything about Dragons 1? No, nothing at all but if it looks anything like the sequel then I am happy in my ignorance. I don’t think I have ever seen a cover so cluttered with CGI tat before. It is so crammed in you can barely see what is going on as one colour mixes into another; oh look I think I see a dragon. Why does the Snooki look alike on the front have no neck and such a weird body shape? That is the danger of photoshop overuse and it has really screwed up this poor woman’s proportions. Unless she actually looks like that and if that’s the case I am very sorry. This was not the only dragon film at Cannes either; there are at least two more. I think dragons may be the new low budget zombie for film makers now, a thought that makes me tremble with fear.

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FDR American Badass

I am a sucker for anything with Barry Bostwick in so I would see this anyway but what is there not to like here? An American president who battles polio but still finds time to get kitted out with a killer wheel chair courtesy of Einstein and the CIA makes me think this is probably not factually accurate. If this image alone is not enough to get you all psyched up then guess who the villains are? Only Nazi Werewolves! Yeah I have seen loads of Nazi zombies but Nazis werewolves only turn up once in a blue moon. There is not one part of this poster I do not like, it is simply stunning.

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My Dog the Champion

When I hear the word spoiled teenager in a sentence I can assume that by the film’s end she will have ditched her selfish ways and become someone that loves all her family and friends. Now add in an elderly grandpa and a dog that needs training for a show and you have this film in a nutshell. If this done to death plot is not enough to put you off, then look at the complete lack of effort that has gone into producing this poster. I can see 7 different photos here, all of which have been thrown together to create this mess. Was it so hard for the actors all to get together to have their photo taken? The dogs must have been free at least. Oh why Lance why did you agree to do this piece of rubbish. You are so much better than this and you know it!

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Robot PosterNo, sorry. This is a guy in silver makeup, not a robot. You are not fooling me with that nonsense. Unless the guy thinks he is a robot and the kid is his mentor. That would be okay but if that is not the case then this is just a really poorly devised robot. That kid really freaks me out to. Why is he so scary looking? The finger pointing to the potential victim (or me, as he is looking right at me) is quite disconcerting. Still it has a rocket launcher in it so it cannot be all that bad.

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Santa Claws

At first I thought this movie was actually one of the many horror Santa flicks that litter the shelves in DVD rental stores near Christmas. But it is actually a kid’s film where Santa does not deliver cats at Christmas because of his allergies. Santa should not be delivering animals anyway in my view, just think of the mess it would make in the sled. Anyway, one child called Little Tommy has been extra good so Santa breaks his own rules and brings him a kitten. It sucks to be Santa though because not just one cat gets in his sack but the whole litter leading to hilarity when the kittens have to deliver the presents themselves while Santa suffers a massive allergic reaction. No news on whether Santa actually survives this attack or even if the kittens can drive a sled. I bet the kittens can talk too; they always talk in these kinds of movies.

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SharknadoThere are a few films on this list that are just plain awful and there are even fewer which actually look like they might be amazing movies. This is one of those elite few. “Enough Said” is the tag line and it has won me over already. It is by Asylum, the bastions of all things ripped off and CGI enhanced, so I cannot wait for this one to come my way. A tornado of sharks is enough to make any cinema goer jump out of their seat in delight.

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Ulitmate AdventureAdventure is spelled wrong in the title but I will let them off as it is a foreign release and maybe that’s how they spell it over there. The reason I liked this particular poster was I had no idea what was going on. A cat ( or it could be a rabbit I guess) that looks a lot like David Tennant as Doctor Who carries a cheering cat (or rabbit) partner while they chase a horrified / excited rabbit across a landscape that has pigs in suits and a crocodile as the villain? Well it has certainly piqued my interest.

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VoyageDirector Scud brings us this Hong Kong treat about a depressed psychiatrist who visits former clients to get some closure. They all apparently live on nudist beaches as this is the only reason I can think for him being in the nip. The director says there is a funny hara-kiri scene in this so that’s something to look forward to. I have no idea what to think of this film. It looks like the male equivalent of the late night erotic thrillers Shannon Tweed used to make or at the very least a more disturbing take on Cast Away. Well they do say sex sells but in this case it really has not worked for me.

[/tab] [tab title=” Zombie Night “]

Zombie NightWhy this company even bothered to make this film is beyond me. It covers so many over used horror film clichés it will be pointless watching. It has something sinister happening on Halloween, a zombie hand popping out the ground that we have seen a hundred times before and it is yet another zombie movie. The only way this movie could be saved is if the zombie goes trick or treating for brains. Now that is a film I would like to see.

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So that’s it for the round up of Cannes 2013 weird and wonderful movies. Thanks to Total Film and The Guardian for the poster selections. These two sites have a few more gems that I did not have the heart to write about so if you liked this selection then it may be worth checking them out to. I doubt we will hear from most of these straight to DVD movies ever again but if Sharknado and FDR American Badass do not get a release somewhere then the cinematic world will be a lonelier place because of it.

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Kaleb Lechowski Short Film ‘R’ha’ Is An Impressive Look at Aliens vs Robots

Uproxx has showcased a new and exciting short by a new 22-year-old German director called Kaleb Lechowski. Later this month he is arriving in Los Angeles and this little feature is a hell of a calling card for him. The plot involves a mainly one piece scene where an alien has become trapped by a robot interrogator who needs vital information from him. While watching this please take note that Kaleb made this entirely himself, with CGI over a seven month period.

After watching this the obvious parallels between The Terminator franchise have to be mentioned, but the robots themselves look a lot more like the robotic creatures from The Matrix trilogy. They have an organic fluidity to them that makes them fascinating to look at and quite terrifying. The alien looks very much like an oceanic creature with its smooth lines and gill like curvatures (even though we know their home world looks mostly land based). The plot has a hint of Star Wars to it as well; it unfolds like Darth Vader’s interrogation of Princess Leia in A New Hope.

r'ha alien interrogation

The solo setting works incredibly well in helping to put the focus on the two leads. Also the way these two characters manage to grip us and keep our attention without actually having a lot of facial features is amazing. While watching this I was enthralled throughout. It is easy to see how this piece was going to end however, with the mechanical creature’s references to how inferior organic life can be, becoming something even crueller than its creators could ever be because of its lack of emotions or empathy. The short looks stunning and the voice acting by Dave Masterton really needs to be commended as it shapes these characters and helps to give them life. Hopefully this will not be the last time we hear from Kaleb, as this piece in six minutes has created a sense of tension and amazement a lot of movies fail to achieve at all.

r'ha robot

Grizzly Review: Total Recall

I find it ironic that Douglas Quaid (Colin Farrell) is so bored with mundane life in Total Recall that he seeks the key to the secrets in his dreams; a longing for a better, more spectacular life with more substance. Better and more spectacular – this remake had the potential to be that, to build on the Philip K. Dick story that was originally immortalized in the Arnold Schwarzenegger 1990 flick. However, it seems to run into the same issues Quaid does in his (fake) life. Everything from the plot, to the characters, to even the visuals are redundant and generic during Len Wiseman’s reboot. It is at least – for the most part – a fun, if forgettable escape before we step out of the theater into our own reality.

Farrell plays Quaid as he is haunted by the same dream of escaping capture with a mysterious woman (Jessica Biel) that gives him a longing of a higher purpose. He works on an assembly line, in a factory with his friend Harry (Bokeem Woodbine) building synthetics, robot soldiers in the vein of the Clones in the Star Wars prequels or the NS-5’s in I, Robot. He lives a nondescript life with a beautiful wife (Kate Beckinsale) and while going through the motions, he is driven to find the answer to the emptiness he feels.

Quaid and his wife live in the Colony, a dark, industrial-like slum, and they commute via The Fall, a transport that goes through the core of the Earth in order to reach Great Britain, the only other habitable place on the planet, where the rich get richer. The world is comprised of these two regions as the rest is uninhabitable due to the plaent’s earlier chemical warfare. The Resistance has been fighting with the elite over equality ,while the controlling government class declares them as terrorists trying to disrupt the system that works for all involved. Quaid feels connected to these stories and needs answers to filling the void and lack of purpose in his life that his dreams allude to.

Enter ‘Rekall’, the escapism that the bored need in order to live the fantasy and drown out the routine reality. You can become a movie star, sports figure, or even a secret agent. It is obvious that Quaid goes for the secret agent gig, but before he can get fully immersed, things go bad. Fast. His loving wife, quite suddenly is an evil undercover agent trying to kill him. That girl in the dream? Oh, she’s real and fights for the Resistance. Speaking of the Resistance, yep, he is definitely connected to their organization. And the government led by Chancellor Cohaagen (Bryan Cranston)? Yeah, Quaid is so important to them, that he needs to be hunted down for what he knows. Still following me? Honestly, it doesn’t matter. He is basically Jason Bourne in the future trying to figure out his purpose. That seemed easier than writing those last two paragraphs. Take from that as you will.

It should be known that while there are few Easter Eggs for those that have seen the 1990 version (Three-boobed lady!!), this bears extremely little resemblance to that movie. The Paul Verhoeven film had Mars, Sharon Stone, the idea of reality versus perception. Plus bug eyed people in search of oxygen (note, that ALWAYS freaked me out when I was a little kid, I couldn’t watch that sequence for years). Len Wiseman goes in a direction that only skims the idea of living up to your past versus establishing your own destiny and identity. He has always been a great visual and action director and really takes advantage of the futuristic setting and beautiful actors to establish eye candy and fast pacing for the audience to cover up the lack of depth in the screenplay.

Farrell does a serviceable job as Quaid as he runs around trying to figure out who the hell he is and who he needs to be. I do wish that there was a bit more depth or explanation to the character that delves into Quaid’s past, because his path to the truth seems to run so fast, and the character embraces his rogue fugitive present all too easily. While great for pacing into the action set pieces, which Farrell handles very well, the investment into the character is just on the ‘good guy must beat bad guy level’ as opposed to the ‘I hope he gets closer on who he truly is destined to be’ type of guy.

Beckinsale has fun with largely expanded role of his wife that goes from ‘loving spouse’ to ‘femme fatale-like kiler’ too quickly in her quest to take down her confused ‘husband’. However the increased visibility of the character distracted me as it seems to be more a showcase for her, as opposed to keeping the story on Quaid and developing his journey story arc to find the truth. Granted, I can definitely get over myself and just appreciate Beckinsale owning the screen. Jessica Biel does a good job as well, even if the character is very one note, and merely a directional arrow in order to get Quaid from point A to point B. Cranston should have been in this movie for longer, but during his time on the screen, he owns it and makes sure you know he is the big man in charge, and that he has no problem making sure his agenda is carried out.

Visually, the Colony looks like the world in Blade Runner, mixed in with Toronto’s Chinatown. Apparently Australia, where the Colony is located, is where all the Asian people went during the chemical warfare that engulfed planet Earth. The filmmakers really put the doom and gloom into the movie and capture the oppressed nature of the citizens of the Colony. While visually impressive with the set decoration and CGI, it feels repetitive to stare at the same dull interiors that every bar/apartment/government building this world has. Who knew the future was so listless and unimaginative? However, the action sequences are great and the futuristic car chase scene is fun to watch. I was a big fan of an elevator sequence too because holy crap Beckinsale kicks ass in this movie. I swear they took the sequences straight from Minority Report [Ed. Note – Early Drafts of the Minority Report script were written for Total Recall 2, which obviously never happened], but they still are visually appealing nonetheless. And Kate Beckinsale, again, is a total badass in this movie.

Overall, this is a fun diversionary movie and nothing more. I felt it could have gone deeper into the idea of innate personality versus the expectation/perception of who you were, but I will take a straight up sci-fi action flick that will stimulate the senses for 2 hours. The movie goes fast and it is a ride, but just like Quaid, do not ask me to recall any details about it later, for it will be a distant memory until the next action flick shows up on the silver screen.

New Trailer for ‘Prototype’ – Robot in Disguise!

Just to clarify, this is not the film adaptation of the 2009 Activison game Prototype, nor is it based of the 1983 TV movie with the same name starring Christopher Plummer. It is however the latest movie from the Bandits Brothers (the company behind Act of Valor). It does however seem to take elements from both of these movies (hooded main character, a robot with AI, etc) so it’s easy to get confused!

Continue reading New Trailer for ‘Prototype’ – Robot in Disguise!

Humanity’s Worst Inventions: The 10 Best Killer Robots

You know what I like? Robots. You know what I like even more? Robots who attempt to enslave or destroy humanity! That would honestly be my favorite doomsday scenario after a zombie outbreak, because it would be so easy to annihilate things not made of flesh and blood. Sure, zombies would be easier, but then there’s all of the blood and nastiness that goes with them and I wouldn’t do too well with that.

So over our cinematic history there have been numerous times that robots, machines, AI, what have you, have attempted to destroy us or enslave us for their own evil designs. And the saddest part? Most of them were creations we made to better mankind. Oh the folly of it all! Keeping all of this in mind I’ve decided to compile a top ten list of killer robots that have garnered our respect through their attempts to exterminate us.

#10) Replicants (Blade Runner)

In the future shown to us in the movie Blade Runner, replicants are fool-proof human copies made to perform various tasks. By fool-proof I mean the only way to spot a replicant is by performing the Voight-Kampf test which identifies replicants by their lack of empathy to certain questions. This would pose a problem as the replicants would gain the ability over time to generate their own feelings of empathy. These tests are administered by Blade Runners who are special police who hunt down rogue replicants on Earth. The ban of replicants on Earth is due to a violent uprising on another planet by a group of the latest replicant models called Nexus-6’s.

It is explained that the more advanced models have a four-year life span, so they do not develop empathy and their own personalities to fool the Voight-Kampf test. This also means they are complete sociopaths without any trace of empathy. The replicants have enhanced strength and agility as shown by the two combat models Roy and Leon, who look and act like the craziest humans you could ever come across. I think Rutger Hauer who plays Roy just has that gift of playing crazy assholes. Check out Leon in the video below:

I put the replicants at number 10 because even though they have a disdain for humans and did have a mutiny off-world from Earth, they were simply trying to survive longer than the four-year life span they were given. For machines created so close to humans in every aspect is it really any surprise that they would go rogue and kill to stay alive? That’s what we humans would do if anyone was trying to end us prematurely. If it’s a question of what is human, then the replicants in my opinion were just that despite their construction and short life. It turns out that at the end of the movie (whether you caught it or not.) that the blade runner Deckard (Harrison Ford) who is hunting the rogue replicants is in fact a replicant who thought himself completely human the entire time.

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#9) U.S. Robotics (I-Robot)

How great would it be if every household in America had a personal robot that would do all of the daily tasks and errands for us? It’d make us lazier for sure but it would give us more time for our families and recreation across the board! Yes, that would be very cool if said robots weren’t in all of our homes as our jailers! Because that is exactly what the NS-5 model androids and their overlord VIKI tried to do to us in the movie I-Robot. VIKI of course stands for Virtual Interactive Kinetic Intelligence and this crazy supercomputer found a loophole in the three laws of robotics to try to conquer us. Like the Sentinels in the X-men, they determined that humanity is a threat to itself and therefore to protect us they must rule over us. Good excuse for your little power trip ya damned machine!

The NS-5’s have spectacular abilities in regards to agility and strength which they showcase throughout the film, none better than the part where a whole truckload of them attempt to kill robo-skeptic Detective Spooner (Will Smith) whilst driving. And not to mention these guys are extra creepy looking with their emotionless human faces and spider-crawling antics! In the end it took one NS-5 enhanced by its creator to feel emotion and some nanites injected into VIKI’s core to save mankind from robotic takeover. And I guess Detective Spooner helped too, but it was mostly his robotic arm. Good job Will Smith. Check out the NS-5’s in action in the trailer below:

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#8) Sid 6.7 (Virtuosity) 

virtuosity05

Sid definitely holds a special place in my heart. Sid 6.7 was what I called Russell Crowe before anyone even knew his name was Russell Crowe and I was always impressed his portrayal of the multi-serial killer minded computer program. Sid 6.7 was a program developed to be a perfect killer and used to train the next generation of police. Of course they couldn’t put real cops into training with a program that could kill you even in the training so why not use inmates? Enter Parker Barnes, a former police officer turned con who is the only one with the ability to compete with Sid in the virtual reality training program.

Sid 6.7 is soon to be shut down due to the dangers of training against him in VR but his crazy ass creator Darryl decides he can’t let his baby die, so transfers his programming into a synthetic android and lets him loose upon unsuspecting Los Angeles. Sid 6.7 is a very formidable foe in the real world, able to withstand any type of wound due to his ability to regenerate using molecules from the glass that the nano-bots in his body use for repair. He’s also extremely unstable, having a hive mind of 200 different serial killers’ personalities inside his core with the dominant one taking over for any given situation. Unfortunately Parker Barnes is able to best him, first in the real world and then back in Virtual Reality before smashing his core to pieces and ending him forever.

I’m sure a lot of people would not have ranked him on the list but Virtuosity is one of my favorite movies from that time and Russell Crowe has yet to have a performance akin to that of Sid in quite some time.

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#7) Screamers (Screamers)

On the mining colony of Sirius 6B, a civil war broke out amongst the New Economic Block (NEB) and the Alliance. The NEB is the employer of the federation of miners and scientists now calling themselves the Alliance. The war started when the miners and scientists wanted the NEB to halt all mining on Sirius 6B in order to preserve the safety of the colony. The NEB of course didn’t want to halt in making money, so how about a prolonged war?

During this war the Alliance developed a new type of weapon called the Autonomous Mobile Sword, which everyone call Screamers due to the mechanical sound that they make. These machines are extremely dangerous. They are almost like mechanical worms as the burrow beneath the ground and shoot out to dismember humans with…. a circular saw. Sounds stupid I know, but what a brutal way for a machine to kill a human. But never fear how stupid it sounds because it is later discovered that the screamers not only have various models but that they are also building more of their own kind.

By the end of the movie it is discovered that one of the types of screamers is an almost perfect copy of a human, able to cry, bleed, fart….and have intercourse with humans. Man oh man, there would be no way that I’m having sex with anything that evolved from a subterranean worm-bot with a circular saw face. I think the screamers were indeed made even more menacing by the terrible screaming they make, especially in human form. It made me think of the Invasion of the Body Snatchers.

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#6) The Decepticons (Transformers)

Whether it be the Decepticons from the movies or the cartoons, these a-holes see us as nothing but insects and our world being up for grabs in their power struggle against their brethren the Autobots. Their origins seem to differ from every medium but the basic story stays the same: Two factions of robotic organisms fight for their home world of Cybertron.

It’s actually pretty simple based on the cartoons, but when you look at it from the movie standpoint these guys are pretty merciless. When they aren’t trying to transform all of our electronics into their minions to conquer us then they’re trying to snuff out our sun for their own selfish purposes because ya know…. No sun, no life and all that. Even in the last movie they tried to enslave our race to restore Cybertron and even parked their dead planet’s big ass right in our orbit. Just plain rude.

Throughout the films, Megatron, Starscream and the other Decepticons perpetrate all sorts of slaughter upon us humans. They disrupt freeway traffic, tear apart pyramids and crack aircraft carriers and submarines in half with reckless abandon. These guys are true scum.

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#5) The Machines (The Matrix)

According to Morpheus, mankind gave birth to AI and effectively turned itself into Gods with their mechanical servants. It seems akin to Dr. Moreau’s experiments where he wanted to turn animals into people and people into Gods. Well apparently it worked for a while until tensions became too high and a war between man and machine ignited. In the end, mankind scorched the sky in an effort to cut off the machines’ solar energy supply but that’s when their mechanical intellect came up with the bright idea to use human beings as a power source. That’s where the matrix came in: A brilliant program that fools humans into believing they live in a normal world while the machines use them as batteries to keep themselves operational. In the matrix there were a variety of programs, none more lethal than the Agents who hunt down rogue programs and unplugged humans alike, but they weren’t as scary to me as the Sentinels outside of the matrix in the real world.

The menace and threat of the Sentinels became not so unique once Matrix Revolutions came about (that movie ruined a lot of good things about the Matrix.) but there was a scene in the first Matrix movie involving a Sentinel that gave me goose bumps. After a Sentinel shows up on their radar, Morpheus and his crew have to shut down the Nebuchadnezzar so the Sentinel can’t detect them. The whole scene was tension filled as the red-eyed, tentacle laden machine lurks outside of the ship in a vain attempt to find humans to slaughter. It was in that scene that I found myself holding my breath along with the characters until the Sentinel left.

The Matrix Sentinels would have had a much higher ranking on the list if they hadn’t been ruined by the Matrix sequels. In the first Matrix movie it was as if there weren’t many humans left and their world seemed a completely dark and menacing place. There was also the line that the EMP was the only defense against the Sentinels but by the second and third movie we see Zion with its multiple defenses and hundreds of mechanical suits with giant machine gun arms. Even though the Sentinels eventually kicked their asses they looked like nothing more than cannon fodder for the better part of a half hour.

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#4) The Sentinels (X-Men)

So maybe giant, 50 foot tall, purple and pink robots don’t seem very menacing to you but when they hunt you down and shoot energy blasts that can fry your ass into ashes from their hands it may be time to run for it… especially if you’re a member of the mutant population. The Sentinels of Marvel Comics have been a constant thorn in the side of the X-men and mutants in general over the years. Created by the brilliant scientist Bolivar Trask, the mutant killers are responsible for the deaths of countless mutants in single incidents and the massive genocide of the island nation of Genosha where millions of mutants perished in a single day.

Sentinels are not only the enemies of mutants, but in the possible future they will inevitably turn against their human task masters. It’s simple logic really, after the mutants and superhumans are all eradicated then who else is there to protect humanity against? Themselves of course! In the ‘Days of Future Past’ storyline the Sentinels take control of Earth through this logic, imprisoning even the humans they serve in order to fulfill their directives.

Unfortunately the Sentinels have only had comic book and X-men cartoon treatment, but one can hope for a movie appearance at some point. There was a brief one in X-men: The Last Stand but it was hardly anything and that movie sucked it hard. With the recent success of X-men: First Class maybe they’ll smarten up and put the Sentinels in a sequel. Seriously, with how awesome the Transformers look with the CG technology we have, the Sentinels would be great on the big screen. Get it done already!

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#3) HAL 9000 (2001: A Space Odyssey)

Okay first let’s get the acronym out-of-the-way. HAL stands for Heuristically programmed ALgorithmic computer, 9000 series of course. HAL is the on-board AI for spacecraft Discovery One on its way to Jupiter. HAL is a soft-spoken, polite AI whose job it is to help maintain the spacecraft and all of its advanced computer programs. He excels at Chess, has a penchant for art appreciation and much to the human’s dismay in the movie: Lip reading. Once things start to screw up aboard the ship and two of the crew, Dave Bowman and Frank Poole decide it may be best to disconnect HAL to prevent any major malfunctions that would jeopardize the mission. HAL really takes an exception to that and rather than be unable to fulfill his directives, decides it best to kill those in his way.

Before HAL gets shut down by Dave Bowman he manages to kill everyone else aboard. He takes out Frank while he is making repairs outside and shuts down the life support for those of the crew in cryo-stasis. He even almost manages to kill Dave by blowing him out an airlock.

HAL’s ways of killing were very subtle indeed, but that just made them more disturbing. When Dave shut him down he even said he was scared, but how can AI be afraid of anything? As his functions declined HAL is ended singing “Daisy Bell” in one of the eeriest scenes I’ve seen in a film. Hat’s off to HAL, perhaps the first original human killa!

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#2) The Cylons (Battlestar Galactica – 2004)

I’ll gladly put the Cylons at number 2 for their achievement in annihilating the human race of the 12 colonies down to only about 50,000 people. Cylon as you must already know stands for Cybernetic Lifeform Node. The Cylons went from being laborers and soldiers in the 12 colonies to rebelling and killing their masters to become extremists against the human race, deducing that humans were a sinful and corrupted race not even worthy to exist. The Cylons are deadly, smart, elusive and always evolving. And not all of them looked like chrome toasters either. Using extremely advanced synthetic technology, the Cylons were able to develop thirteen Cylon models that appeared human in every way that they sent to infiltrate the human ranks and destroy from within.

The Cylons were a very interesting group of killer robots, their ideology going from simple “slave kills the master” mentality to an all out mission to destroy the human race due to their short sightedness and imperfections. Basically the Cylons are becoming what the humans used to be to them when they were slaves. They fought against tyranny and now want to replace it with their own image. It makes it even more interesting when you see the Cylons trying to emulate humans with their thirteen humanoid Cylons, wanting to become the very thing they want to destroy. They’re kind of like Al’Qaeda, just without the ‘virgins when you die’ thing going on.

My personal favorite Cylon model type

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#1) Skynet and the Terminators

At the top of the list is of course Skynet. The U.S. military’s AI used to control all of their military hardware and nuclear might… that may have been an extremely terrible idea. The whole point was to take out human error and response time to attacks against the U.S., but in the end it was human error that destroyed civilization. After Skynet became self-aware the U.S. military panicked and attempted to take Skynet offline. The defense system of course saw this as a threat and reacted to the humans’ assumed assault on it. Skynet launched the United States nuclear arsenal on Russia, who in turn launched their own onslaught against us resulting in the death of 3 billion human lives. Skynet 1, humanity 0.

This fella here looooooves his job.

In the wake of the nuclear onslaught the surviving humans were rounded up to help build automated factories that produced all sorts of mechanical horrors with the sole purpose to hunt down and eradicate any surviving human resistance. From the airborne Hunter-Killers to the classic T-800 terminator, Skynet proved to be a pro at finding new and inventive ways to slaughter mankind. But even though Skynet was smart and more technologically advanced, humans led by the charismatic and strategically sound John Connor took the fight to Skynet and the terminators. Eventually the humans won the war, but Skynet in it’s ever increasing intelligence and technological capabilities sent back a machine through time to kill John Connor’s mother before he was ever born and that is the basis for the Terminator movies I’m sure you have all seen. (If not, then get crackin!)

Skynet and the terminators get the spot of top dog on this list because of their creativity in developing time travel to eliminate their enemies before they are a threat. Not to mention the ease in which they leveled the playing field in having two superpowers annihilate one another and send the world into turmoil. Talk about pre-emptive strikes! And these metal sons-of-bitches are nothing if not persistent, sending back multiple terminators at different stages of John’s life, even attempting to eliminate his father before John could send him back to save himself and his mother. (That whole set-up makes my head hurt.) The T-800 is the killer robot I think of when even think the words, with it’s almost grinning, red-eyed stare. Skynet and it’s minions are the last group of disgruntled mechanics that I’d want to piss off. They’ll go back and kill your effin’ parents for God’s sake.

“THANK YOU FOR SHOPPING AT WAL-MART!”

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Well there you have it! Let me know if there are any I missed. If you wanted them on the list, then too bad because it was my list. I’d like to throw out a few that I couldn’t fit in because they just couldn’t make the cut.

ED-209 (Robocop)

ed209

ED-209 was Robocop’s nemesis in the first movie, and responsible for the ‘error’ deaths of a human or two….. he pretty much failed at everything else. Including stairs.

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Maximilian (The Black Hole)

Maximilian-black-hole

Ol’ Maxie was definitely a real a-hole. He was responsible for multiple lobotomies and one evisceration.

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Dr. Wily’s Robots (Mega Man)

mega man

These guys were badass and with a combo of at least 8 of them you could do some real damage against a human population… even though it did get ridiculous with Centaur Man, Top Man and Sheep Man. Seriously, there was a sheep man.

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ARIIA (Eagle Eye)

Eagle Eye - Ariia

A bit of a HAL 9000 rip off except with a female voice. ARIIA however nearly pulls off one of the most intricate plots to assassinate a U.S. President ever.