Now those of you who don’t have your head stuffed down a hobbit hole are aware that 2012 will bring us another tale from Middle Earth. It has been confirmed that The Hobbit, Tolkien’s prequel to The Lord of the Rings trilogy, will be separated into two films. It has recently been reported that we now have names for parts one and two: The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey, which will open in theaters on December 14, 2012; and The Hobbit: There and Back Again, which will hit theaters the following year.
Pretty cute names they’ve come up with. “There and Back Again” is the title Bilbo gave to his memoirs, so I’m sure a lot of thought went into that one. As for the first movie, for those of you who haven’t had the pleasure of reading the book – SPOILER ALERT: This hobbit will be taking a journey. And, you guessed it, it will be unexpected. That’s like subtitling Rocky “The Guy Who Boxed”. We might as well call them “The Hobbit: The Film No One Else Would Make” and “The Hobbit: This One’s For the Money.”
While I am less than thrilled with their frilly titles, I will say that I look forward to watching the movies. In all seriousness, whether you’re a fan of the books or not, The Lord of the Rings films were enjoyable.
And if I had to pick five people to dedicate half of their career to 50 year old books, Peter Jackson would be on that list. In terms of vision and storytelling, his prequel installments will run alongside the trilogy seamlessly. The sets and cast are all identical to what they were a decade ago. And not only that, but it takes a serious nerd to devote so much of their life to one story. Look at Tolkien. That dude did nothing but draw maps and write history books about the world he thought up. That takes some intense Unibomber-like social hibernation. Peter Jackson at least has a cast and crew that he can talk to about trolls and dragons, even if they are being paid to listen to him.
Another thing that aids in the consistency factor is the fact that most of the cast will be reprising (or “preprising” as I like to call it for prequels) their roles in the film. And what an all-star lineup we have yet again! Since I know the Academy shies away from doling out awards for over-inflated, budget breaking holiday blockbusters, I’ve decided to have an award ceremony of my own.
Please join me in the first ever ceremony for the Grizzlie Awards! (Think of it like the Dundies, only with bears.)
The “Snow White” Award goes to…
Ian McKellan, preprising his role as Gandalf the Grey.
It’s no secret that Snow White had a fondness for short people, seeing as she lived with seven dwarfs. Gandalf must share her fetish, because not only is he in cahoots with thirteen dwarves, but he brings each and every one of them to the home of a hobbit for a rip-roaring evening of adventure planning.
He’s jonesing for the little guys, and none shall pass that would stand in his way! (True fans of the books will notate my spelling differences between “dwarfs” and “dwarves.”)
The “Second Chance” Award goes to…
Martin Freeman as the young, strapping Bilbo Baggins.
I’m sure anyone out there who had read A Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy, and then watched that God-awful movie they made from it was angry. Angry at the filmmakers, the crew, and anyone who was cast in the abomination. It almost makes you wonder why they make books into films at all. I’m sure Martin Freeman was wondering the same thing; until, one day, someone approached him to play the lead role in a Peter Jackson film. This franchise is like the book to screen wet dream. Not only will the film probably be epic and make a shit ton of money, but it will also make him incredibly famous. And not just famous in Britain, which means little to nothing. They eat pickled dick and drive on the wrong side of the road.
The “Spandex Jumpsuit” Award goes to…
Andy Serkis, preprising his role as Gollum
When you think of weird creatures made from CGI, one name comes to mind – Andy Serkis. I swear this guy has done nothing else but run around in a spandex jumpsuit creating the movements of computer generated monkeys and deformed creatures. I guess he was that one gay guy in 13 Going on 30, which I’m sure was a demanding role. I mean, he had to learn the entire dance to Thriller.
The “Padding the Resume” Award goes to…
Christopher Lee, preprising his role as Saruman the White.
Christopher Lee has been in more movies than anyone. Ever. Plus, he’s got that creepy, sinister thing down to a science. He had this part on lock-down; though I’m pretty sure he’s never turned down a role.
The “Ass-Kicker” Award goes to…
Sean Bean, who does not appear in this film.
The “Token Female” Award goes to…
Cate Blanchett, preprising her role as Galadriel.
Galadriel does not appear in this book at all. They just needed a female thrown in the mix to avoid sexism accusations. I’m sure they picked her because she would play a man if they made her. I mean, she played Bob Dylan for crying out loud.
The “Eye Candy” Award goes to…
Orlando Bloom, preprising his role as Legolas.
The “Token Female” award was already taken, he was a close second! I don’t understand what it is about this guy, but every woman I ever came into contact with was obsessed with Legolas. He’s like a woman. Seriously. He’s wearing a long blond wig. It’s like if your little sister dressed up as Link for Halloween. Anyway, he receives this award for being eye candy to all those delusional women out there who think he’s a dreamboat.
The “Fivehead” Award goes to…
Hugo Weaving, preprising his role as Elrond.
His forehead is so big, we had to upgrade it to a fivehead. His forehead is so big, you could project this film on it instead of a movie theater screen. His forehead is so big, it’s like his hair is running away from that constipated look he always has on his face. His forehead is so big, his elvish ears are orbiting around it. His forehead is so big, he won this award.
And we can all be thankful that his daughter won’t be around to bore us with her bloated fabricated love story with Viggo Mortenson. She’s hiding in her room because she just found out that Elrond is her real father, when her whole life she thought it was Todd Rundgren…
And finally, the “WTF (Why The Face)” Award…
Elijah Wood, stopping by as the unborn Frodo Baggins!
You have to really have an in with the director to be cast in a movie based on a book where your character never appears. I assume they placed bets one night on a rousing game of Magic: The Gathering, and Elijah won so Peter had to cast him in his Hobbit movie. It’s a wonder he even has time to film it, what with doing all the character voicing for the Spyro the Dragon video games. Or maybe he just made eye contact with Peter Jackson and hypnotized him with his creepy blue eyes.
That concludes this film’s Grizzlie awards. Thank you for coming, let us know your own thoughts in the comments!