In my never-ending quest to prove I know more about football than YOU PEOPLE, (yes, I do mean you people in the derogatory sense so suck it) I figured it would be fun to prove it on a week to week basis.
And before you start; Yes, I know this is an exact rip-off of the Fox Sunday Pre-game show segment, BUT unlike Frank Caliendo and Jimmy Johnson I’m actually funny AND I don’t take boner pills. HEEEEYOOOOOOO!
On to my picks:
St. Louis Rams vs. Philadelphia Eagles:
People are calling Philly the ‘Dream Team’ this season, but I’m not sure I’m buying it. Yes, Vick was great last season, but don’t you think defenses spent the off-season figuring him out? Anyways, while St. Louis will be a hell of a lot better on offense in Sam Bradford’s second season, their defense isn’t anything to write home about. Look for Philly to start the season off with a convincing win.
Detroit Lions vs. Tampa Bay Bucs:
Ok I’m going to start this off with admitting my bias as Detroit Lions fan, so I’m obviously going to pick them to win this week (and possibly every week despite the match-up) over Tampa. Any sports writer that tries to convince you they are free of all bias and can be objective is a LIAR, or else they wouldn’t be a fan of the game.
Anyways, the only real threats on the Bucs are Mike Williams and LeGarrette Blount, but look for the Lions D to shut them and their garbage quarterback Josh Freeman down. Yes, I think Freeman’s performance last year was a fluke and the kid is in fact garbage. The Bucs D is the complete opposite of what it used to be under Gruden back in 2002, so look for Stafford and Johnson to hook-up for some big plays down field.
How the hell is Ronde Barber still playing?!?!? LIONS YO!
Buffalo Bills vs. Kansas City Chiefs:
Dear god this game sounds terrible…… Umm… Kansas City… I guess…. Please let me know if anyone actually watches this game…
Atlanta Falcons vs. Chicago Bears:
People are high on Atlanta this year and I can see why. Matt Ryan showed he was the real deal last year, Roddy White got his head out of his ass and decided to put his talent to use, and their defense seems to be one to contend with. Chicago on the other hand is one-dimensional. Defense, defense, defense. Their passing game sucks under the whiny Jay Cutler and they rely too heavy on the running game. Atlanta over Chicago.
Tennessee Titans and Jacksonville Jaguars:
AHAHAHAHAHAHAH Jacksonville, what a f-ed up situation over there. Titans, easy.
Cincinnati Bengals vs. Cleveland Browns:
The battle of shitiest state in the US, OHIO!!! Winner: Cleveland.
Pittsburgh Steelers vs. Baltimore Ravens:
Besides my Lions, this is MY game of the week. Both have great defenses that are always worth watching, but I like Baltimore’s offense under Joe Flacco over more so than Roethlisberger.
Baltimore for the win.
Indianapolis Colts vs. Houston Texans:
Unlike a Brady-less Patriots, Manning IS the system for the Colts. Houston finally beats the Colts, and we get a ton of close up shots of Manning with that down look on his face. Texans.
NY Giants vs. Washington Redskins:
Rex Grossman is who you replace McNabb with?!?!? Really??? Giants, hands-down.
Minnesota Vikings vs. San Diego Chargers:
As much as I hate Philip Rivers, and therefore the Chargers, they are better than the Vikings. McNabb is a shell of the man he used to be in Philly, and AP won’t be enough to carry the entire team down the field enough times to out-score the Chargers. Chargers.
Carolina Panthers vs. Arizona Cardnals:
Cam Newton is going to get crushed and look like a rookie in his NFL debut. I wonder if Kevin Kolb will be the answer in Arizona??
Arizona over Carolina.
Seattle Seahawks vs. San Francisco 49ers
I dub this game, ‘The Game of Failed Quarterbacks’ that Keep Getting Second Chances… Tarvaris Jackson vs. Alex Smith, hellz yes! So death not an option……….. San Francisco.
Dallas Cowboys vs. New York Jets
Unlike the two Monday night games, this night game is actually worth watching. Some people are up on the Cowboys now that Romo is back, but I don’t get it. The dude has made more bone-head plays than pro-bowl plays. I’m not a huge fan of Sanchez either, but I am a fan of Darrelle Revis and his shut down abilities.
I’ll take the Jets in a close game.
New England Patriots vs. Miami Dolphins
Reggie Bush is overhyped and the answer to nothing.
Oakland vs. Denver
Commitment to Exelance my ass Al Davis. Jason Campbell was a joke last season, and will be again this season.
There you have it! Feel free to post your picks in the comments below and we’ll see who comes out on top.