More Pointless Stills from ‘Resident Evil: Retribution’

Again, I don’t give a damn about Resident Evil: Retribution. For real, I don’t care. Yes, I’ll watch the movie when it’s released September this year, but I’m not all hyped up for it. Anyways, Sony released six stills from the movie, and we got them off Reelz. In this article, I will give you my extremely shallow analysis of these photos. And no, that was not sarcasm.

We get more of Bing Bing Li’s legs and Milla Jovovich in a catsuit. What more can I say? Maybe how Li’s character, Ada Wong, will be running around in high heels, which I am not a big fan of, leading to an inevitable cringe fest?  Maybe it doesn’t make sense to be all dressed up when you’re in a zombie apocalypse?  Or perhaps how the Chinese typically put the family name first (and hence Bing Bing Li if you’re typing English, since family names go last in this language)? Give me some ideas here.

Ada and Alice stares right into the camera, trying to look all badass and shit. Another typical set up in which something crazy happens right behind the camera. Note the blood stains on the glass. Also note the Umbrella logo on the desk. They’re storming one of nine thousand Umbrella HQ’s again. WOW!!! THAT’S SOOOOOOOO CREATIVE. I TOTALLY DID NOT SEE THAT ONE COMING.

More of Alice in catsuit, staring down at something. No further comments. What do you expect me to write about? Alice is not wearing high heels.

Alice killing an unarmed person? Now this is interesting. Alice doesn’t cap your ass unless you’re going up against her. Judging from the still, the lady doesn’t look like a zombie, and seems to have zero combat capabilities. This intrigues me.

No, it doesn’t. SYKE!!!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Alice covered in a towel, looking hot and desperate. I have no idea what’s going on. Maybe she was captured by Umbrella? I don’t know. If I’m Albert Wesker, the first thing I’ll do once I capture her is to install a mind-controlling device (the one Jill has) on her chest. Yea, on the chest instead of somewhere less logical, like the brain, so someone can rip it right off in a battle. That makes a whole lot of sense.

Jesus, Paul WS Anderson must really be running out of ideas. Bringing back dead characters? In clone form? Why bother? You know what. Look at Heidi Montag or Joan Rivers. They scare the shit out of me. What Umbrella should have done is kidnap a bunch of people and perform crappy plastic surgeries on them. There are your zombies. As for how to take over the world, it will be bullshitted explained in the 29.4 upcoming sequels. The last one will be a TV series, which a network will run 40% of the episodes before the show’s cancellation.

Sorry but nobody cares. He’s just a dude with a gun and some tats. He’s not even from the games. He may be easy on the eyes to some but that’s pretty much it.

Oh. That’s Barry Burton? He looks nothing like the one in the games. The one in the games is a beefcake; this one is a cupcake, with whipped cream on top. The role should have gone to someone like Michael Cudlitz, who’s substantially more mature and believable as a veteran. Not like I care about the characters anyways. [Ed. Note – Kevin Durand is awesome]

Resident Evil: Retribution will be in theaters on 14th September, 2012.

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