Tag Archives: Alice

Resident Evil: Retribution – Alice vs. Jill

If you’ve read my previous entries on Resident Evil: Retribution 3D, then you’ll know for a fact that I don’t care for the movie. Not that much anyways. When it comes out, I’ll probably watch it simply because there is nothing particularly interesting going on in my life, and I need my entertainment. I’m so bored right now I’m actually listening to Nora Roberts’ (or JD Robb if you’re getting all worked up about pseudonyms) In Death series audio-books. They are not by any means bad; they’re just kind of tacky. Just saying…

Come to think about it, Eve Dallas has one of the corniest names ever. Dallas as your last name? Really? You get to name yourself and you decide on the name of a city? I know that’s where you’re found as a runaway kid but can you go for something a little less ridiculous, like “Jenkins” or even “Smith”?

Regardless of my “zero f***s given approach” towards the movie, Sony (or someone) decided to release (or leak) footage of Alice (Milla Jovovich) and Jill (Sienna Guillory) getting it on, and by getting it on, I mean “perform a bunch of style-over-substance fighting moves in those hideously tight catsuits while dubstep plays in the background.”  As you may or may not know, Alice is our heroine of the franchise whereas Jill was one of the protagonists in the second movie, or the first one – I can’t really remember and am not bothered enough to look it up – before she was brainwashed by Albert Wesker through a ridiculous device strapped to her chest.

Sienna Guillory is hot but logic still applies.

I can’t stress enough how ridiculous it is to design a brainwashing device for chest attachment. For real, son? I know it’s taken from Resident Evil 5 (the game) but come on. It did not make sense then and it does not make sense now. Any person capable of normal human logic can tell it’s that thing located right above Jill’s boobs causing her to be eeeevvviiiiiilllllll. You can stick it on her back, in her nostrils, or even up her ass if you’re ballsy enough. All of these options are significantly less visible. But whatever, it’s Resident Evil. Nobody’s watching the movie for its logic or authenticity.

I swear the intent of implementing such a design is to see more skin.

The scene takes place on ice. Basically, you get to see people trash talk (but not actually hear what they’re saying because the dialogue portion of the audio was cut). Then, evil Rain (Michelle Rodriguez) injects something into her blood stream and knocks out Ada, who was held hostage. A shootout commences and a fight emerges.

*shivers in fear*

It turns out whatever Rain injected in her body makes her virtually bulletproof. Alice has her ass kicked and throws an ice axe at the audience because the movie is in 3D. You are obligated to have one of those shots if your movie is shot in 3D.

Wow, the 3D effects are sooooooooo realistic. It’s as if Alice is throwing an axe at me and I can actually die. I’m shook. Wait, I will actually die of the headache caused by 3D effects.

I can dig movies that are intentionally bad, movies that don’t take themselves too seriously. (eg Black Dynamite) Retribution looks bad and is taking itself way too seriously. Paul W.S. Anderson actually believes that his audience won’t cringe watching this flick.

Come on, brother. It’s not 1995. Flamboyant fighting styles don’t work no more. Roundhouse kicks are not badass anymore.

*door opens*
*Chuck Norris walks in*
*Chuck Norris bashes JasonDaPsycho’s face on the keyboard*
*Chuck Norris does a roundhouse kick on JasonDaPsycho*
*Chuck Norris leaves JasonDaPsycho lying half dead*

Roundhouse kicks are awesome. My bad.

Back to the topic, Anderson needs to stop pretending as if this movie is anything more than an action flick featuring video game characters. Once he comes to that understanding, I believe the movies will  be much more enjoyable. That’s for me, at least.

Resident Evil: Retribution 3D will hit theaters on 14th September, 2012. The Judge Dredd reboot doesn’t come until a week after, so apparently, there is no choice.

Advertisements

Resident Evil: Retribution – Trailer #2

As I mentioned last time, I don’t give a damn about the Resident Evil movies. Why am I writing this article then? I have no idea. Maybe because I actually make good on my promises?

To be honest with you, I feel the movie franchise has already ran its course. It has strayed too far from anything remotely resembling the video game storyline. In attempt on reminding us, the viewers, of how the movies are supposed to be based on the game, in every single Resident Evil film, we get multiple characters originated from the games forcefully crammed into the movie’s universe. This time round, the new additions are Leon S. Kennedy (of RE2, RE4 and RE6 fame), Barry Burton (the Jill Sandwich guy) and Ada Wong (femme fatale who follows Leon around, also has a thing for wearing high heels in tactical situations). Unfortunately, we don’t get to see much (if any) of them in the trailer, other than maybe a couple of scenes featuring Ada Wong.

In case you have forgotten who Barry Burton is.

Here’s the trailer.

After watching the trailer, I must say I’m fascinated.

*awkward silence*

*bursts into laughter*

You bought that? You believed for a second I actually care about the movie after watching the trailer? SYKE!!!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!! The movie doesn’t look distinctly different from the last one. We’re still living in apocalypse, with Wesker still planning to destroy the world, or something. Can’t remember. The trailer starts off depicting Alice’s previous life, in which she’s a part of a happy family living the suburbs. Her husband is horny and her daughter capable of making quirky remarks at the age of 8. Sounds like the American Dream to me. Then zombies show up and eat her husband’s face off. Alice and her daughter escapes. The 5-0 shows up, though I’m doubtful they’ll be able to do anything. Then the camera cuts to Alice lying on the Umbrella logo, with Ada Wong narrating how her memory was fabricated by Umbrella. A bunch of mindless action scenes set across the world later, the trailer ends.

It is noteworthy (if you actually care about the live-action motion picture) that Paul WS Anderson has decided to bring back Rain Ocampo and Carlos Olivera, both of whom were supposed to be dead. They return in the form of  clones. There will be a “good” version and a “bad” version of each replica. Yea, because it makes so much sense to keep good, thoughtful clones around if I’m in charge of a pharmaceutical company trying to take over the world. We also get to catch a few glimpses of Jill Valentine with aRE5-inspired mind-control device hooked to her chest area, making an already ridiculous idea look even more stupid.

I didn’t get it in RE5 and I still don’t get it now: how do you control someone’s mind by sticking a red thingy to her chest?

The movie is shaping out to be just fine. It’s still predictable. There are still characters from the game thrown in simply for the sake of it. The movie will certainly be bad. Don’t get me wrong. I’m not that promiscuous hippy with interesting fashionable sense who watches only artsy fartsy crap and criticizes any movie that doesn’t have deep undertones. I like action movies which don’t require much thinking. I just prefer my stupid movie to make some sense. This movie will be so corny, the US government will stop subsidizing corn farmers, since the movie alone is enough to supply the world’s corn demand for the next 25 years. Yes, it will be even more cringe-worthy than the joke in the last sentence.

It’s going to be so bad, it’s good.

‘The Playboy Club’ Review: Series Premiere

We’ve talked a little about NBC’s The Playboy Club, and the time has come to take a look inside the club. Based on the real clubs from the Playboy franchise, we get to see a gritty period piece set in Chicago during the early 60’s after the sexual revolution has ignited. The club’s were a place for the VIP’s of the era to stake their claim as valued members of society. The Playboy Club takes us in a little deeper to the seedy world of big business, sexy bunnies, and Amanda Heard. While it’s an obvious attempt at replicating the success of AMC’s Mad Men, it just might offer us something different.

Continue reading ‘The Playboy Club’ Review: Series Premiere

Resident Evil 5: The Jill Valentine Verdict

With the fifth Resident Evil movie, Retribution finally coming together there was one loose end left before the film seemed complete. That loose end was actress Sienna Guillory reprising her role as ‘Jill Valentine’. It was at first assumed that she would be back, but then things were not so certain as she was keeping us all in suspense with Twitter updates.

The last update however, was that she was going to a meeting with director Paul W.S. Anderson and then this tweet followed soon after:

So it would appear everything is set for another Resident Evil and hopefully this is the last one set in this particular continuity. To me the franchise has gone as far as it could have with the Alice character, and the storyline in the post apocalyptic universe. At this point there will have been more movies set in the post apocalyptic world of Resident Evil than in the settings that made the games so great. I wouldn’t mind them rebooting the franchise eventually and starting from square one again.

What’s everyone else think? Are you as overjoyed as I am about Sienna Guillory returning? Do you think this is the last hurrah for the Paul W.S. Anderson Resident Evil franchise, or will the box office numbers speak for themselves?


Images: Screen Gems