Well, the moment none of us really cared much about has finally arrived – Russell Edgington is back!
It certainly took the Scooby Gang awhile to find him in that creepy old building; they, like, almost had to split up! Zoinks! Luckily, they had a shaky fat man with forgotten memories of Russell’s whereabouts and Sookie’s never-ending list of powers. Apparently all she has to do is touch you and she can shuffle around in your mind like a brain burglar. Just another hole-in-one for our dynamic writing team. I can imagine the conversation now:
Writer One: “Curses! How will the gang find Russell Edgington? We’re really in a pickle.”
Writer Two: “I have an idea! Why don’t we make it so Sookie has the ability to see inside people’s brains by touching them! Even though she’s touched people for 4 seasons and hasn’t mentioned one thing about it, it’ll make total sense! Then we could bring in a random person who just happens to know where Russell Edgington is located and all she has to do is hold his hand and see his memories!”
Writer One: “Brilliant! You are truly a genius, Writer Two. We’ll have to make room for those Emmy’s we will surely receive for our brilliant team of writers.”
Of course, when the time comes to stake Russell, something grabs Alcide and starts dragging him to God knows where. He’s really had a rough day. First he almost makes it with Sookie when she pukes on his shoes, and now this. Russell will not be disposed of easily, which is going to piss off the Authority (specifically Roman).
The Authority seems a little less badass these days. They’ve gotten a little one-note and boring. All Roman did this episode was stare at a vial of blood from that child he staked. Sick. We do know, however, that someone female from the Authority helped Russell escape and regain his strength. At first I thought, Nora, but she’s looking like she might actually be crazy instead of just faking it for Eric’s benefit. That leaves Salome and Texan Sharon Osbourne. The latter seems a little “plus size” for the silhouette we saw in the plucked memory, which leaves Salome the most likely contender. She’s deceptive, Nora’s mentor, and just bitch enough to risk getting away with double-crossing Roman.
Back in Bon Temps, someone is murdering shifters from the back of a pickup truck with masks on. Not really sure who would want to go after them, unless they were screwed over by the Mickens’, but two of Sam’s boring, insignificant friends are dead; and he and Luna get shot outside of Luna’s house. Luna is probably dead, which means there will probably be a custody dispute between Sam and the wolf pack for care of Emma. That could be complicated, considering she just went full werewolf.
Jessica and Tara are, like, total BFFs! After they braid each other’s hair and make friendship bracelets, they do what any two young female friends would do – find people to eat and have sex with at the same time. Tara, of course, chooses
Adam Lambert Hoyt, and boy was Jessica super pissed when she found out. How could Tara make out with her ex-boyfriend when she clearly wanted nothing to do with him and showed no interest in getting back together with him? How insensitive. Maybe Jessica still has feelings for him. No matter, she’s about to get her ass kicked by Tara. Jessica may be the older vampire, but Tara is from the block.
Terry and Patrick are out of town catching up with their old war buddy, who happens to be crazy….or is he? He ties the two of them up and they start to reminisce about the old times, when they used to get high and kill innocent people. Turns out one of the Iraqi women they killed cursed them just before she died, and as they burned the pile of bodies the Ifrit was released. What is the Ifrit? It’s a flame monster set on killing each of the American soldiers. If it sounds ridiculous, that’s because it is.
Also, Jesus appeared to Lafayette and his mother as a head with his mouth sewn shut, which was freaking weird and creepy. The bruja is getting on my last nerves, it just won’t go away! It’s like herpes; you think it’s gone but it just keeps coming back.
This episode felt like filler to me. Nothing really happened until the very end, and by the looks of it we have quite a bit set up for next week’s episode, but as a stand-alone this one was kind of a dud. I give it 3/5 bears, though, for still being better than all of last season.
Ed. note: This review did not have enough Jessica. So this is happening.