There was no video of this promo and for once I’m glad.
Raw begins with John Cena’s intro music, and my heart drops to my stomach. Thanks WWE for shoving this derp face into my life the moment you begin. Jim Ross makes some comment about how amazing John Cena is for traveling with one arm. For those not keeping up, he still has an arm it’s just had surgery. Cena is here to give us an update on his surgery, demand Punk face him at Hell in a Cell, and brag about his HD television. His decked out breast cancer awareness shirt reminds us all that we can “rise above breast cancer,” and just to make sure everyone is focused on boobs, he lets us know that Antonio Cesaro has oddly large nipples. He refers to them as “arioleyes.” I’m sure he’s patting himself on the back for that one.
Primo & Epico fought Ryback. It lasted about 2 minutes, and Ryback won. It was boring, predictable, and full of Ryback’s toddler stomping around the ring act.
Primo and Epico look like they’re merging into one wrestler. I call him Premico!
I’m fairly certain that Micheal Cole and Jim Ross are contractually obligated to mention Ryback’s incredible strength at least once a night. As for the toddler stomping, it’s probably a smart move on Ryback’s part because people love babies. Subconsciously, people see him and can’t help but think, “Awe Ryback needs more food. He’s so angry. We love him!” Personally, I can’t stop thinking about how he looks like Sloth from The Goonies.
Feed me more, you guyyysssss!
Next up, Brodus Clay vs. R-Truth. Otherwise known as The Match that Didn’t Happen. Little Jimmy has a bad case of the puberty and needed to dance, because all boys going through puberty feel the insatiable need to boogie down. Brodus, R-Truth, and the Funkadactyls join Little Jimmy’s dance party. Then Vince McMahon interrupts, because it’s time for his “State of the WWE Address.”
McMahon is saying something that I don’t remember and is interrupted by CM Punk (with the fantastic Paul Heyman at his side.) On a side note, it appears Punk has a snazzy new yellow shirt. Punk talks about all the times McMahon has “slapped him in the face.” Then just to drive the point home, Punk slaps McMahon in the face. He walks away, and McMahon challenges Punk to a match, threatening to fire him if he doesn’t accept. Punk accepts, and blows McMahon a kiss. A kiss which McMahon appears to catch and rub into his cheek.
They were just about to kiss anyway. This way the sexual tension lingers.
Rey Mysterio & Sin Cara beat The Primetime Players in the semifinal match in the Number 1 Tag Team Tournament. The match is excellent and energenic. I’m really digging the push that tag teams are getting recently. For a while they were all but forgotten. Tag teams can produce sick matches as this one just proved. I’m only a little bummed, because the Primetime Players are growing on me.
Paul Heyman tries to convince Punk to pull out of tonight’s match since McMahon has the ability to “make (their) lives hell.” Punk lets Heyman know that he has no intention of doing that, and will instead destroy Vince McMahon. Paul Heyman looks like he’s going to poop himself.
I think Heyman is in love with Punk, but can’t ruin the friendship.
Sheamus vs Wade Barrett is next, and I am so happy Sheamus isn’t fighting Alberto Del Rio. That was getting so old; it’s refreshing to see something new. Sheamus wins by disqualification after interference by Tensai and The Big Show. I find myself questioning why I don’t have a Big Show shirt yet. It makes me sad that when he has been a face he’s just been a big ol’ joke. When he’s in heel mode, he’s a tyrant who can only be brought down by John Cena. Anything used as a catalyst for Cena makes me ill.
Jim Ross tries to convince McMahon that fighting Punk is a bad idea. He even goes as far to bring up the fact that Jerry Lawler was in a match with Punk the same night of the harrowing heart attack. I get where Ross is going with this, but I don’t like it. Punk had nothing to do with The King’s heart attack, but that’s for another day.
Cut to a little conversation between Punk and AJ. Surprisingly, AJ seems fairly poised this week. I’m pretty sure that’s because no one knows what to do with her so when she has to do something they just flip a coin. If it’s heads, AJ will do something rational. Tails, well she’s going nuts that week. I say let’s cut to the chase and give her multiple personalities. Each one will have a name, and she can be a different person every week. It’s like infinite general managers for the price of one.
AJ IS BEAUTIFUL AND I WILL HAVE NOTHING ILL SPOKEN OF HER! Also, this picture is totally relevant.
Antonio Cesaro vs. Tyson Kidd is next. I apologize I don’t have much to say about this match because I was too busy trying to get a good glimpse of Cesaro’s “arioleyes.” They didn’t seem that huge to me. Anyway, Cesaro pins Kidd and the match is over.
Only Cena would look at Cesaro destroying dudes like he does and see the guys nipples instead.
HOORAY FOR MORE TAG TEAMS. Team Hell No vs. Dolph Ziggler & Alberto Del Rio. I’m still disappointed in the name choice for Daniel Bryan and Kane. If I cared about Twitter, I was voting Team Friendship. I had my fingers crossed that all those who voted for these two to “hug it out” all those weeks ago would stay on the friendship track, would do that. I’m more disappointed though in Vickie Guerrero’s choice of outfit. Apparently, she wants to force all of the WWE Universe to look at her lady bits. Kane pins Ziggler following a beautifully executed choke slam. An argument between Bryan and Kane about who the real Tag Team Champions is ensues.
This sign didn’t help.
Then to my utter confusion Larry King shows up to interview The Miz and Kofi Kingston. Apparently, it’s the Miz’s birthday so it’s important we know that. Larry is really only there promoting a new show or something, so nothing really happens. Kofi says nothing and The Miz is The Miz. I really wish Kofi had said something. I love him as a wrestler, but his lack of personality outside the ring is killing him. Also, the time taken up for this pointless promotional visit could have been spent in an actual match between Kofi and The Miz. Just saying.
I cannot believe it, but we are on our third tag team match of the evening. Team Rhodes Scholers vs Zack Ryder & Santino Marella. I love everyone in this match except for Cody Rhodes.
I love Cody Rhodes, but not as much as Sandow and Rhodes love each other.
Ryder & Marella aren’t two people I would have thought to create a tag team with, but it’s working wonderfully. Even if they didn’t win. Marella was pinned by Rhodes shortly after Marella’s attempt to unleash The Cobra failed. While Marella was laying in the ring, “The Band” showed up and stomped on him. I don’t really know what that’s about, but I’m sure we’ll find out sooner or later (maybe.)
THREE MAN BAAAAAANNND BAAYBAAAYYYY!
Paul Heyman is not a fan of the upcoming match between Vince McMahon and CM Punk. Paul Heyman is now trying to appeal to McMahon to back down. If I were McMahon I’d probably start listening. In his advanced age though he probably couldn’t hear Heyman very well.
There is a commercial for a new CM Punk DVD. I’ll probably be picking that up, because it looks pretty awesome.
The Divas still exist so Kaitlyn and Eve had a match. Since the WWE tries to fit as many Divas as possible into the five minutes of exposure they sometimes get, Leyla commentated. The highlight was Kaitlyn’s successful torture wrack, a move not used to often in the WWE anymore. Then the ladies scissor the rest of the match until Eve latches onto to Kaitlyn’s injured ankle, forcing her to tap out. I’m still pretty certain, as is most of the WWE, that Eve is the reason behind Kaitlyn’s injury.
Daniel Bryan asks Larry King how to deal with name-calling bullies. It was pretty terrible, and I miss Dr. Shelby.
We all miss him.
Finally the match of the evening! CM Punk vs Vince McMahon. Punk attacks McMahon while he’s walking to the ring. It’s pretty brutal. Then McMahon gets the upperhand, yells something (in his best Clint Eastwood impression) about showing Punk about respect, and beats Punk in the head. Part of me was really rooting for McMahon to bend Punk over his knee and beat him with a wooden spoon. A switch would have also done the trick. Some kendo sticks come out and there’s some mutual whacking. Then it looks like McMahon is winning. Punk is cowered in fear in the corners, but he’s faking it. Punk gets his hands on both the Kendo sticks, and starts wailing on McMahon. Ryback shows up, and Punk runs out of the ring only to get thrown back in by Cena. Ryback puts Punk on his back and does his stupid march. Punk breaks free and flees into the crowd.
McMahon growls something about respect again. Then he gives Punk an ultimatum. Punk may choose either Ryback or John Cena as his opponent for Hell in a Cell. If Punk doesn’t choose McMahon will choose for him.
The push of Ryback is deeply apparent tonight. My hope is Ryback and Punk will have their match at Hell in a Cell. I would love it if Punk defeats Ryback, finally getting his respect. There is a fear in my gut that Ryback will beat Punk, but until then I will hope not.
Don’t worry. Punk will beat him. He’ll just distract him with tacos.
Overall the episode was good. I’m still angry at the WWE for dicking over Punk, and making Cena the hero. I know I shouldn’t be surprised, but I had hope it would be different due to most people’s love of CM Punk. Why does the WWE want us to hate Punk? Oh yea that’s right, because we’ve got it all wrong. We’re supposed to love John Cena as much as Vince McMahon does. However, our love of Punk transcended that of the love for Cena. Our love was powerful. So powerful, the merch sales for Cena declined. Vince McMahon couldn’t allow his beloved Cena to fall to the wayside. Well I say, “Suck it Cena!” THE PUNK WILL RISE AGAIN!
Punk is not impressed.