New ‘Star Trek Into Darkness’ Teaser Teases You Even More!

Here’s the problem with teasers. I hate writing about them. Not in a whiny “Oh, I don’t wanna write this” way (although I am a whiny little b**ch about things like that), but because by their very nature I don’t like them. I mean who really, actually likes being teased? I mean, I know I don’t. I know some ladies who claim they do, but that’s not the kind of thing I’m into. When it comes to my sci-fi entertainment I want it big, hard, fast and now. I want you to give me aural and ocular pleasure, and I want my needs sated, right this moment. Don’t wiggle your little teasing sci-fi movie member around my entertainment erogenous zone and make me beg, just stick that thing in so we can both come together in science fiction ecstasy! [Ed. Note: I feel like I should have censored something… Oh well.]

Aside from providing the most disgusting metaphorical description of why I hate teasers, I also hate teasers because they seemingly never end. Is it too much to just be kept in the dark until the thing comes out? I know there are a lot of nerds out there who love this sort of thing, but man, I am so not one of them. I love Star Trek to bits but waiting for this sequel is killing me. That’s the worst thing about JJ Abrams is he loves to make his fans just beg for his sci-fi wang, all bedazzled and shining with lens flare. Well, here’s some more of that proverbial sci-fi c*ck teasing for all of us Trekkies, with yet another teaser aimed to make us all cream our pants once again.

It’s more or less a mishmash of what we’ve seen before, but every little split second of new scenes is another thing to obsess over, speculate about, compare to previous Star Trek canon and spread to all of our friends on the internet. I personally can’t wait to see if Captain (Admiral?) Pike ends up as Mr. Box man like he was in the Original Series.

Ladies?
Ladies?

But the whole thing is a just a ploy, a way to keep us waiting patiently so as to build up a huge opening for the movie when it releases. It’s basic movie marketing, I know, but I suppose this strategy is for non-Trekkies, because apparently they’re the folks who need to be convinced to go see this movie. The rest of us are dying and can’t wait to see it already. CURSE YOU ABRAMS, WHY MUST YOU BE SO CRAZY SEXY CRUEL!

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