Tag Archives: Christmas

#14 – Countdown to Christmas: GREMLINS

Never expose it to bright light, never get water on it, and never, ever feed it after midnight. These were the three rules that Billy Peltzer (Zach Galligan) couldn’t follow after his father, Randall (Hoyt Axton) bought him a strange new pet called a Gremlin. The pet was a Christmas present that soon turned into a nightmare.

Gremlins is a classic 80s movie directed by legendary horror filmmaker, Joe Dante. The genius behind cult classics like the original 1978 Piranha movie paired up with producer Steven Spielberg to create what is still considered one of the best movies of all time. Marketed as a Christmas horror-comedy, Gremlins is that type of movie that everyone can enjoy and get a kick of after almost thirty years.


Gremlins
’ plot is simple. Boy gets pet, pet has rules, boy breaks rules, and hell breaks loose. A rather conventional plot that is twisted by two masters of cinema, the film transcends from a common cult flick to a box office phenomena. Grossing over $150 million dollars on an approximated $11 million dollar budget, Gremlins is a classic in every sense of the word.

The screenplay, which was penned by Chris Columbus, another 80s legend, is fast, funny, scary and satisfying, sometimes simultaneously. The characters are likeable, even the Gremlins themselves, who change from cute little house pets to malicious imps. The great part about them is their sense of humor. The evil incarnations of the Gremlins aren’t necessarily out for blood, but they do what they want, when they want it, usually with pretty hilarious results. From smoking cigars, to drinking copious amounts of alcohol, the Gremlins are just as bad as any common punk, except there are hundreds upon hundreds of them.

A sequel was spawned in 1990 entitled Gremlins 2: The New Batch. The film, which was also directed by Joe Dante, was entertaining enough, but failed to capture the magic and mayhem of the original by trying to be too much like the original, while also trying to convince itself that it was different.

There’s nothing like a classic, and a classic Gremlins is. It works as a Halloween movie as well, but deep down, you know exactly what Gremlins is all about, Christmas.

5/5 Bears Peanut’s Trees.

For more COUNTDOWN TO CHRISTMAS – Click it Here! 

Also Check out our COUNTDOWN TO HALLOWEEN…  

Oh, and Phoebe Cates was in it too. (This is not from GREMLINS)

#15 – Countdown to Christmas: A CHRISTMAS STORY

In 1983, one of the most iconic and over-played Christmas movies released. It was called “A Christmas Story“.

Some of you may be sick of this film by now because TV has ruined it. Not only do they chop it up, but it plays on loop for 24 straight hours beginning on Christmas Eve every year. I however, still love this movie for so many reasons! In A Christmas Story, Ralphie (Peter Billingsly) is just a geeky kid in glasses who gets picked on sometimes and has an annoying little brother. The plot for this entire movie revolved around what Ralphie wants for Christmas: A Red Ryder BB gun. This does not sound like it would make a good movie, but this film is absolutely hilarious because of the little things.

Continue reading #15 – Countdown to Christmas: A CHRISTMAS STORY

#16 – Countdown to Christmas: THE MUPPET CHRISTMAS CAROL

“Old Henson was dead as a doornail. This must be distinctly understood or nothing wonderful can come of the story I am going to relate.”

I might have just committed blasphemy in multiple ways with that mixing of the first two sentences from Charles Dickens’ A Christmas Carol (1843) and the fact that Jim Henson had passed away before The Muppet Christmas Carol (1992) was created. However, I find it only appropriate considering that was the first Muppet movie made after Jim Henson’s death in 1990. It was the first movie in which the infamous Kermit the Frog was voiced by someone other than Jim. A fact that still slows my mind.

It is with this in mind that I recount the Muppets’ version of the classic tale of Ebenezer Scrooge, a miserly old money-lender with a certain disdain for the Christmas Spirit.

Narrated by the unflappable Gonzo the Great, with the help of Rizzo the Rat, the tale begins in the hub-bub of 19th century London, where, amongst a mixed choir of people and Muppets, we are introduced to old E. Scrooge. This version of Scrooge is played by the living legend Michael Caine.  Caine’s Scrooge is as grumpy and unlikeable as George C. Scott’s 1984 television version, but here you don’t think that Scrooge would do well in North Africa.(Sidenote: George Carlin was at one point considered for the role of Scrooge. That would have been different).

The musical continues with the introduction of the Muppet mainstay, Kermit the Frog. This is the first feature length film in which Jim Henson has not performed the voice of Kermit. Henson is replaced (though there is no replacing him) by Steve Whitmire.  While geeks like me may get caught up in the change, the reality is that the spirit of Jim Henson still flows through the character.

The plot of “A Christmas Carol” stays fairly true to the Dickens’ work, thanks to the addition of Gonzo as the narrator. Brian Henson (Jim’s son), a director, made the decision to use Gonzo as the narrator to pay homage to the brilliance of Dickens’ descriptions and phrasings. The other option, according to the bonus features on the DVD, were to use Gonzo as the Ghost of Christmases yet to come. His nose would have stuck out from the hooded cloak. I’m glad they went with the narrator idea. Good job folks.

While the story is unfolded before us, the audience is given the classic mix of heart-felt family values, silly physical comedy, and witty (and often adult content) dialogue that is expected from the Muppets. Also we are treated to the fact that Michael Caine can’t sing, which is hilarious to me.

I give this movie 4 out of 5.

I leave you with this tid-bit:

‘Robert Marley’ is a character added to the Muppets version along with Jacob Marley. This is to accommodate Statler and Waldorff  (the old guys on the balcony). Robert Marley….Bob Marley. Bob Marley surrounded by ‘wailing’ cash boxes. Oh, I get it.

Muppet Christmas Carol

#17 – Countdown to Christmas: THE POLAR EXPRESS

In 2004, some crafty computer animation and very talented voice acting gave us one of the most visually exciting Christmas movies that kids could watch, too. It is called The Polar Express.

I don’t know why, but I always get excited when a movie takes place in Michigan. The Polar Express takes place in Grand Rapids, MI. Well… the beginning does, anyway. This movie tells the story of a young lad who is losing his Christmas spirit. He is at that in-between age where he is thinking that Santa Claus is not real. A train pulls up in front of his house and waits for him to come down. He is invited to go with this group of kids to the North Pole. The conductor (Tom Hanks) says that they are all going to see Santa Claus.

Continue reading #17 – Countdown to Christmas: THE POLAR EXPRESS

#20 – Countdown to Christmas: JINGLE ALL THE WAY

We’ve all seen action stars muck it up by playing the tough guy in a kids movie and to be honest I haven’t seen many of them. Vin Diesel did The Pacifier; Jackie Chan did The Spy Next Door. Hell, The Rock has probably done the most with the worst of them being The Tooth Fairy. Honestly, don’t rip me for not having seen that one and still judging it. You know it sucks. The Great Arnold Schwarzenegger has even done it and there is no doubt that it worked, because I and countless others love Kindergarten Cop. Who wouldn’t to see Arnold yelling at kids and telling them there is no bathroom? However, Arnold did make a misstep and it was a giant one at that. There is also a name for it: Jingle All the Way.

Where to begin with this one…. Maybe with the premise: The movie involves the real reason for the holidays of course, which is parents attempting to murder one another for some idiotic piece of shit toy made in a sweat shop overseas. Now, this toy can range from something like ‘Tickle Me Elmo’ to…. Some other type of Elmo. The toy in this case though would be the very homoerotic Turbo Man toy.

Honestly the thing looks like Buzz Lightyear if he wore a suit that was bright red and gold that accentuated his man features to the max. Of course the black hole of acting named Jake Lloyd wants one of these Turbo Man action figures, so he has the highest hopes of his father Howard Langston to get him one. In fact, little orphan Ani-Vader Jamie pretty much has the assumption that his well off dad was smart enough and gave a big enough shit about him to get one before they sold out. Unfortunately little Vader, Howard doesn’t give a shit about you at all. His work has consumed him and he forgot all about the Turbo Man toy. (And I’m pretty sure he forgot about having a son too.)

So the main plot point of the movie is that ‘Howard Arnold Langston’ needs to brave the Christmas shopping season amidst a plethora of other rabid shopping parents scum. And by this time a Turbo Man action figure is harder to get than a McRib in Garmisch-Partenkirchen, Germany during a solar eclipse. The rest of the movie follows Howard’s hijinx as he attempts to get his hands on a Turbo Man.

 Arnie’s co-star in this is the comedic talent has-been Sinbad, who plays ‘Myron the Mailman’ who reinforces stereotypes of Postal Workers who are mentally unstable amongst other things. Sinbad is just as terrible as everything else in this movie and his brand of comedy where he simply yells his lines loudly in Ebonics just does not do himself or the film any justice. Myron the sleaze bag is not Howard’s only obstacle through all of this. We’ve got pissed off Moms, criminal minded Santas (of all shapes and sizes.), the horny neighbor that is all over his wife and even a reindeer…. Yeah you heard me. A frickin’ reindeer.

There’s no two ways about it people. This movie is terrible, as I’ve come to realize most Christmas movies are. The cast had it’s ups and downs to be sure, but not even Phil Hartman and The Terminator could pick up the slack left by Sinbad and Kid Vader. If you want to keep your holiday cheer intact please avoid this movie and spend your time volunteering in your local soup kitchen or ringing a bell for the Salvation Army. Then again if you must insist on watching it, just check out the 16 second version below.

After all is said an done I give the movie 0 out of 5 Christmas Trees. How dare you sully the name of Christmas… you bastards. Feliz Navidad!

For more COUNTDOWN TO CHRISTMAS – Click it Here! 

Also Check out our COUNTDOWN TO HALLOWEEN… 

#21 – Countdown to Christmas: SANTA’S SLAY

When is the best time of year to watch a great slasher flick?  Perhaps you’re thinking about October, near Halloween. Maybe a Friday the 13th lands during the month and you need some Voorhees in your life. But I hope you haven’t forgotten about one of the best seasons of all.  I’m talking about ‘Holiday Horror’.  If you like Gremlins, then you like holiday horror.  Or maybe you saw Fast Times at Ridgemont High, and loved anything with Phoebe Cates ever since.  I don’t blame you.

Wether you spin dreidels, or hang stockings, holiday horror flicks are a delightful treat that enhance the truly horrific qualities of our favorite holidays.  It is the most wonderful time of the year, so why not incorporate some gratuitous violence with your yule tide cheer?  For a fantastic example, check out Santa’s Slay starring none other than WCW wrestling superstar Bill Goldberg(Just so all you Wrestlemaniacs are well aware, he does throw his signature move, “The Spear.”)  This all-star line up also includes James Cann, Chris Kattan, Fran Drescher, and Rebecca Gayheart.  Oh wait, never mind.  They all get axed within the first four minutes.  This is a true sign of slasher genius.

The plot revolves around Nicholas Yuleson (Douglas Smith).  A young teen struggling through the holidays with his bah humbug grandfather.  Luckily he has his girlfriend Mary (Emilie de Ravin of “Lost”) by his side.  The plot may have borrowed some ideas from the Rosemary’s Baby playbook.  The film shows us there have been two immaculate conceptions.  God and the Virgin Mary giving birth to Jesus Christ, and Satan with the Virgin Erika giving birth to none other than Santa.  See what they did there?  They switched the position of the “n”.

Continue reading #21 – Countdown to Christmas: SANTA’S SLAY