Trophy Wife is the classic story of a rich housewife, her cheating husband, and the hitman she hires to widow her. In this case the hitman is a dirty ex-cop named Darby (Chris Mulkey – First Blood!!!), and the housewife Veronica (Leilani Sarelle AKA Roxy from Basic Instinct) is very specific about how the job has to be done. The episode opens in a strip club, which is obviously the best place to pick up a hitman. I’ll file that away for future notice.
We quickly learn that Veronica isn’t necessarily the bad guy as she plays Darby a message of her husband Gill (John Enos III) and his lover’s (Shani Pride) conversation. They are themselves planning to kill Veronica, as well as berate her mercilessly with a string of awesome insults:
“You work way too hard to give it all away to this crowsfeet, saggy tits, cottage cheese thighs, ugly old slut f***ing c–“
Since her husband is a mobbed up lawyer we learn why she can’t just go to the police, and why Darby is needed. After going through some of his dirty deeds, Veronica lays down the law. She wants it messy, and she decides when and where the kills will happen. Ronnie is clearly the woman with a plan, and isn’t interested in taking shit from anyone, including Darby. He accepts the job, and we are treated to everyone’s favorite part of Femme Fatales: Lilith.
Veronica and Darby stakeout some of the hardcore action between Gill and his kind of crazy mistress. It’s apparent that Veronica has been keeping tabs on them for a while, and as Gill and psycho hosebeast get horizontal, Ronnie and Darby listen to further plans to wipe out Veronica instead of a messy divorce that might cause Gill to lose everything. Darby is eager to get the kill taken care of, but Veronica wants to prepare more and refuses. Seems like the perfect time for Darby to unleash a non-negotiable condition of his own. Cue vigorous hand jibber, because nothing turns ladies on like hearing about how their husband is planning to kill them right?
The next morning we finally see Ronnie and Gill together, as she poisons a bottle of champagne while Gil gets ready for work. She teases him with the retelling of a dream she had, featuring the murder scenario Gill and crazy lady were discussing. It’s easy to see this marriage is in trouble, as Gil makes an excuse to get away from spending time with Ronnie. We of course know this to be complete bullish and are soon outside of Gill’s lovenest with Ronnie and Darby. Darby again tries to take charge of the situation, but its clear that Ronnie is running the show.
They both enter the nest to find Gill unconscious on the floor from whatever it was Ronnie slipped into the bottle. Old man Darby displays his hatred of young people music by hatefully turning off an iPod, and soon finds Gill’s mistress passed out and naked on the floor in the bathroom. She actually hasn’t been clothed once in the entire episode, so her attire is quite fitting. Darby and Ronnie gather up their victims and take them out to the desert.
Once there Darby looks at the best way to go about the hit (Mexican style or Mob killing) when Ronnie again refuses him, much to his dismay. She withholds the second half of his payment and Darby wakes up the cheating lovers. Gill seems very unsurprised while Tatiana (Hey, we just learned her name!) is clearly frightened. Gill is obviously no stranger to mob killings, and gets to work digging his grave like a professional.
Tatiana tries to talk her way out of it, and does a pretty great job of it, despite Ronnie and Darby clearly knowing that she is full of it. Gill surprises everyone by corroborating her story and asking them to let her go. Tatiana proclaims her innocence and Darby delivers probably the best line of the episode.
You haven’t been innocent since you were in utero, sweetie.
Boom. The begging (and the digging) continues as Ronnie pulls out her trump card and plays the recorded tape with Tatiana’s murder plan. She then tries to switch the blame to Gill, who tells her to stop and take it like a man. Gill offers to give her everything while he and Tatiana disappear, but Ronnie says everything has gone just a little to far for it to end that way. Then Gill complains about ruining his &1200 pair of shoes, and pretty much seals his fate in my eyes. Nobody needs to spend $1200 on a pair of shoes, Gill. Come on!
Ronnie notices Gill’s gentleman like qualities as he helps Tatiana into the death pit he has dug, and exclaims that if he had only treated her like that this wouldn’t be happening. Darby asks who wants to die first and Tatiana starts whimpering and pleading again. This causes Gill to ask to be shot first, which I can only assume means he’s tired of listening to Tatiana, like most of us are.
Ronnie (who doesn’t want to be called Ronnie) starts the countdown while Darby waits patiently to shoot Gill. We get closer to three as Ronnie starts to back away from the pit, and as a shot rings out we see Darby fall into the pit, dead. Ronnie threatens Tatiana who again starts to plead.
I’m going to enjoy this. Make you suffer like Bambi… and I like Bambi.
As usual everything takes a little too long to play through, and Tatiana manages to get her hands on Darby’s gun, which conveniently fell into the pit with him. Then the real Tatiana comes to life as she throws more awesome insults in Ronnie’s direction. She aims the gun at Ronnie, but predictably gets shot before she can do anything about it. Epic fail. Now its down to Ronnie and Gill. Gill seems to accept his punishment, and as Ronnie lowers the gun she has one last thing to say.
Gill looks relieved, followed by ridiculously ecstatic. As the two hug it out I’m left with a “Wha the Fu?” kind of feeling. Turns out Ronnie and Gill are a sick kind of couple and this was Ronnie’s B-day present to Gill. Cue fornication between the apparently healthy and happy couple next to the grave of their victims. I can say without a doubt that I did not see that one coming.
This episode started out as a typical women scorned scenario, but quickly turned into a roller coaster love story between a couple of homicidal psychopaths and their clueless patsies. I was so sure that I had this episode pegged from the beginning that the eventual twist changed everything and really upped the ante of the episode. So while halfway through I might have given the episode a 2.5, maybe even 3 Grizzly’s, the surprising twist at the end amps it up to a 3.5.
The pacing of the episode was a little slow, and not as action packed as the previous episodes of the season, but I enjoyed it. Add in a little nostalgia factor with the inclusion of
Roxy Leilani Sarelle and the oddly enjoyable Baldwin Stallone John Enos III and it works out to a pretty good episode. Not to mention Tanit Phoenix as Lilith, who always impresses.