This week we focus on the worst of this season’s storylines – Juice being half-black. Is this really an issue? I understand that it might not be openly endorsed by the club, but it’s not like Happy or the members of the Tuscon charter are white as rice or anything. They’ve worked with Black and Mexican gangs, I can’t see the Sheriff outing him as being worse than stealing drugs from the cartel. Oh, by the way, Juice steals a brick. Hence the title.
TV and Superheroes rarely mix well, and on the off-chance they do it probably isn’t the best representation of superheroes on the market. Smallville worked, Lois & Clark kind of worked. That’s… about… it. So it’s obviously time to present a list about some of these less than awesome superhero shows. The problem was I had TOO many shows/TV movies to choose from, so I expect to hear about what I’ve missed or that my choices suck or that I need to put down the fork. Wait, what? Anyways, let’s get to the list. We didn’t stick to comic heroes, because sometimes the ones created just for television pretty much define this list.
10.) My Secret Identity
It’s possible this show missed a lot of people’s radar as it was a Canadian TV series, but it aired in syndication in the States. I personally loved this show as a kid, but giving it another look kind brought shame to my younger self. Might have to re-evaluate my love for Biker Mice From Mars.
My Secret Identity is basically Back to the Future meets The Sentry, except no god like powers or Time Travel. Let me explain. Jerry O’ Connell, the fat kid from Stand By Me (he probably hates it when people call him that) plays Andrew Clements, a 14-year-old kid who is zapped by a photon beam while helping his neighbor, 4th smartest man in the world Dr. Benjamin Jeffcoat (the fact that he’s a smart guy inventor dude is obviously the B2TF connection), played by Derek McGrath. Obviously, this grants him super powers (a la The Sentry… sort of). Super speed, Invulnerability, and levitation, with super strength added in later seasons, because why not? He actually used aerosol cans to direct his flight for a time, but that was changed pretty quick.
If you recognized his friend Kirk, played by Christopher Bolton, then you’ve probably seen another Canadian show called Rent-A-Goalie, and I applaud you. Regardless, this show is a terrible excuse at a superhero show, made even more so with Degrassi level quality and Canadian film mentalities. No offense to my homeland’s cinema, but… well…
If there was anything that could put Piranha 3DD over the top for best worst movie ever, it would be this bit of news from IGN:
David Hasselhoff has been cast in the latest water-terror film, Piranha 3DD, Dimension Films has announced.
The action star/recording artist/author/pop-culture phenomenon joins a cast that already includes Ving Rhames, Christopher Lloyd, Paul Scheer, Gary Busey, Katrina Bowden, Danielle Panabaker, Matt Bush, Chris Zylka and David Koechner.
Piranha 3DD is set at a water park that becomes infested with the infamous flesh-eating fish. We don’t yet know what role The Hoff will play, but the film is set for release on November 23.
Man, I can’t wait to see who Hasselhoff plays in this movie. Perhaps an exterminator who specializes in destroying prehistoric piranha? Maybe a water park mogul? Hell I’d even be satisfied with a singer who is adored by the people of Germany at this point. Maybe we’ll even get to see him in a scene where he’s drunk and mowing down a big ol’ fish sandwich.
Either way, if that didn’t make you want to see this piece of cinematic art in the theater on day 1, then you are not a human and have no soul to speak of. However the picture below will most likely suck the living soul out of your body into the disgusting black hole that is the Hoff’s man thong.