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Yearly Archives: 2012
Michael Bay’s Terrible New ‘Ninja Turtles’ Ideas
First of all, how dare you? Soon after Michael Bay’s name was attached to a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles reboot, he proved he was not to be trusted. The working title of the projected May 2014 film is Ninja Turtles. By omitting the Teenage and Mutant, Bay has opened up the floodgates to his outlandish, ill-received changes. Earlier this year, he revealed the turtles will no longer be mutants. Rather, they will be aliens. Though alien inhabitants became an integral part of the comic book series, making the turtles aliens will destroy one of the key factors that made them so special.
Recently reported on IGN, several released script ideas have only fueled the flames of fury among true TMNT fanatics. Though the turtles are no longer teens, April O’neil and Casey Jones are, except they are exs. What? Why? I am assuming that means April will no longer be the beloved news reporter that connected the turtles to the world they felt distanced from. I can only imagine how obnoxious Jones would be as a teenager. Jones as a teenager makes me think of some disrespectful, loitering punks I forgot to punch outside of a local convenience store.
With this script, Bay would be removing two key factors that made the turtles relatable to their younger audience. The turtles we grew up with were mutated teenagers dejected from the world. That sounds like every insecure adolescent I have ever come in to contact with. So how else can Bay manipulate our beloved story line until it is unrecognizable? Did I tell you that Master Splinter is completely missing from the draft? Of course he is. What significance did he ever have anyway, right?
Just to make sure that this is a Bay specific story, he made some other minor tweaks. Shredder will no longer be Shredder. That would be ridiculous to call the villain Shredder. Instead, he will be Colonel Shreadder. Not different enough for you? Okay. To make sure this is a Bay creation all of its own the Foot Clan will be replaced with a Special Forces unit under Colonel Shreadder. You just can’t trust the military, can you?
I can see the trend here. Bay has flooded his films with big boom box office bait, and now he wants to prove he is capable of making something more significant. May I preface this next rant by saying, “You will never be Christopher Nolan.” Now to put it into context. Batman shall remain one of the greatest American heroes ever created. Though the comic book creation and a stint of the 1960s were the epitome of camp, the character has an appealing dark theme that is not only relevant to adults and children alike, but society as a whole. Nolan has completed an amazing trilogy using one of the greatest heroes ever created. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles however, shall always be considered camp. I lovingly refer to it as camp, but it is nothing more than marketable camp. You cannot honestly tell me that Robert Van Winkle jiggling around on stage while the turtles destroy some Foot Clan is ground breaking cinema. Due to an oddball concept of four cartoon turtles with ninja weapons and a story that closely emulates the Daredevil franchise, Kevin Eastman and Peter Laird created gold that I will forever enjoy. So keep your filthy hands off!
These egregious additions to the script are only a draft. If we’re lucky, they’ll never see the light of day. Cowabunga, dude!
I Got 99 Problems and My Fanbase is One…
And so it goes as music, the music festival, and social media get jumbled up when things happen on stage.
Jay-Z’s Made in America music festival played Philadephia’s Fairmount Park September 1st and 2nd. It was widely promoted through some vague Nike-esque Budweiser (the concert’s main sponsor) commercials, but the real show continued online long after the performers had come and gone.
Seattle rockers Pearl Jam co-headlined the festival with Jigga, and it wasn’t long after the festival closed that the former’s crazy fanbase came out of the woodwork to bash the band for its performance of Jay’s “99 Problems.”
One of the more hilarious responses from Pearl Jam’s community forum:
Although the song is allegedly about being stopped by cops, the fact that he clearly says “if you’re having GIRL problems…i got 99 problems but the BITCH ain’t one” clearly suggests he’s talking about a woman not a female dog. No matter what the verses are about, the hook is what everyone sings/remembers and most people assume based on that alone that the song is about women. Was this an accident? I think not. And anyway I don’t think that the song is any better if it’s just another song where Jay-Z glorifies drug dealing. The line where he basically accuses the cops of racial profiling kills me-he’s a DRUG DEALER that’s why he’s getting pulled over.
Disregarding the fact that PJ led into the song with a version of their Malice Green-inspired “WMA”—a song itself about police brutality and racial profiling—Pearl Jam fans, for some strange reason, take their favorite band so seriously as to be nearly deranged about the band they love.
Some fans love the band so much, they wrote letters to them expressing their disgust and disappointment in the band playing “99 Problems” with Jay-Z onstage. One open letter, beginning with a reference Abigail Adams about the rights of women, espouses that the song is about “sexual profiling,” despite Jay’s insistence that the “bitch” in the song refers to a police dog.
What these ornery—and reactionary—Pearl Jam fans are missing is that musical collaboration is one thing that makes contemporary music fun, (not to mention listenable). Obviously, they never got down to The Grey Album or Max Tannone’s Jaydiohead project. To top it all off, Pearl Jam’s M.O. has always been political and social disruption since their inception, from their legal battles with Ticketmaster to Eddie Vedder wearing masks in public to avoid the press. (Not that this collaboration has anything to do with protest or social unrest; it’s just that the reaction of some fans make it seem like it.)
Sure, now that Pearl Jam are all in their 40s they might have lost a bit of that edge. But if the band you love wants to perform a song you find vile or offensive, that shouldn’t be cause for alarm; instead of lashing out, it should warrant some consideration of the fact that maybe a politically active, socially-minded band like Pearl Jam simply wants to get up on stage and have a good time every once in a while.
Comic Rack: Avengers Lineup Grows, Marvel NOW Teasers Baffle Me, & Superman’s H’el on Earth
Welcome to Comic Rack! My pick of the top five comic news stories in no particular order…
DC New 52 Resets All First Appearances
For a while now, fans have been asking DC just exactly what the new timeline in the NewDCu is, and how it’ll directly unfold. This month, a bevy of “Zero” issues came out, all meant to explain, or give origins to the current DC lineup. Included in these issues is a series of “Who’s Who” listings, giving out character information, backstories, and of course, listing their first appearances. Way back when, for Superman, this would have said Action Comics #1, it now lists Justice League #1 (2011).
via [The Source]
[This] marks the release of the first week of DC Comics’ #0 issues. Each of these special issues is filled with everything from secrets to revelations to origin stories. These will both explain what happened before the launch of DC COMICS-THE NEW 52 last summer, as well as plant seeds for future story arcs!
If you’ve already picked up your #0 issues today, you’ve probably noticed that in the back of each book (and now online!) is a Who’s Who entry on a major character in DC COMICS-THE NEW 52. These pages share information such as each character’s first appearance, base of operations, powers, history, and other appearances. Below, check out the list of which character is being spotlighted on each of this week’s releases and be sure to click on their names to read up on who they are!
via [Newsarama]
DC Comics has a new take on their classic “Who’s Who” listings, giving basic details on their characters, teams and concepts. Power Sets, basic origin stories, current affiliations and recent appearances are all included, as they were in the old “Who’s Who” sets. For example, Superman’s entry in Action Comics #0 looks like this:
First Appearance:
Justice League #1 (2011)
Base of Operations:
Metropolis
Powers:
Under a yellow sun Superman is extraordinarily strong in addition to being nearly invulnerable. He can run and fly at incredible speeds and possesses other abilities such as super-hearing, heat vision, x-ray vision, and much more!
Other Appearances:
Batman: The Dark Knight #5-7
Swamp Thing #1
Supergirl #1-3
O.M.A.C. #7
History:
As the planet Krypton exploded and a civilization died, baby Kal-El was rocketed to safety by his parents…
Well, at least they’re committed to going whole hog, and saying that yep, they’re all brand new, and their first appearances were in the books we labeled as #1. Deal with it. I know there’s probably still some old DC fans out there who are hurt, or feel betrayed, or just plain don’t like the New 52. Frankly, I think they ought just get used to it, or keep reading their old stuff. Clearly the New 52 is here to stay, and we just have to hope that everything can be as interesting and cool as Animal Man, Swamp Thing, or Batman.
New Avengers Lineup Grows In Numbers!
Marvel NOW! expands the roster of the Avengers, as lead scribe Jonathan Hickman teases Marvel fans with the full list of Avengers. When will they assemble? WHEN?
via [Newsarama]
Three interlocking covers for Avengers #1-#3 show all six of the movie Avengers — Captain America, Iron Man, Thor, Hulk, Black Widow and Hawkeye — plus Brian Michael Bendis-era additions Spider-Man, Wolverine and Spider-Woman; along with frequent team members Captain Marvel (Carol Danvers) and Falcon.
New to the squad is Cannonball of the New Mutants, along with two unconfirmed characters: One that looks Human Torch-esque (Johnny Storm? Jim Hammond? Or perhaps a slightly tweaked look for Cannonball’s New Mutant buddy Sunspot? [This has since been confirmed]) and a shadowed figure between Captain America and Captain Marvel likely intended to remain a mystery for now (though feel free to speculate — the chest symbols bring to mind Ikaris of the Eternals, maybe?)
In a July interview with Newsarama, Avengers editor Tom Brevoort said that by issue #12 of the relaunched Avengers, the team has an “an active roster of about 18,” indicating that there are around four more members to come not seen in this image. Upon the original announcement of Marvel NOW! two months ago, Entertainment Weekly reported that Shang-Chi, Master of Kung Fu, would be on the team.
Dustin Weaver, who is scheduled to draw an upcoming Avengers arc, illustrated all three covers. Current Fantastic Four and FF writer Jonathan Hickman is launching the new twice-monthly Avengers series in December, and New Avengers with artist Steve Epting in January.
Update: Jonathan Hickman has commented on the covers on Twitter, writing, “Image released today is not the complete roster, we intentionally left off new characters for spoiler reasons.” and “And the roster starts at 18, grows to more.” In later tweets, he disclosed that there are eight more members still to come.
I love Jonathan Hickman. He’s an amazing writer, and one of my favorites of all time. I think his work elevates the medium to heights it’s never been, and captures ideas, concepts and thoughts that utterly fascinate and baffle me in turn. So I’m very conflicted on his tenure at Marvel, because he IS writing great Superhero stories, man, I’d rather he work on his independent, original work. In my opinion it’s more important, in every sense. That’s not to say that his Marvel work isn’t important, I just really REALLY like his original work, and crave it day and night like heroin. Yummy heroin.
Marvel Releases A Series Of New Marvel NOW! Related Teasers
To promote new books, sometimes they’ll pop a teaser ad in the middle of a book that’s popular. It’s a quick way to get people talking and speculating, and it generally creates a buzz for the project, and what it could be. Go on and click each one of the teasers for links back to Newsarama, where people much more knowledgeable than I, give far better analysis and guesses as to their meaning.
Teasers via [Newsarama]
Holy crap there’s a writer whose pen name is HOPELESS? I don’t know if that’s foreboding, ominous, or just badass. Probably all three. Who do I think this teaser is for? I’ve no clue actually. I’ll take a guess and say… Ant-Man? Yep. Ant-Man. Ahem.
People think this one is Deadpool, from the red crosshairs, and they’d have a solid point. An astute reader connect Lightning>Thunder, and come up with Thunderbolts. Who may be persecuted, and thusly have a target on their heads? Since they’re villains? Maybe Deadpool is gonna fight them? In a cage? On fire? During a storm? Brb, writing awesome superhero cage match fanfic.
These two are allegedly linked to the same project, so they’re going together. On my gut instinct alone, this makes me think Punisher. I know folks think that the Lightning one is for Punisher [EDITORS NOTE: My thoughts are of the Thunderbolts for this one], but the words WANTED and KILLER(s) make me think of ol’ Frank. The only thing throwing me off is the plural of KILLERS, so chances are I’m probably wrong.
So while all of my speculation is probably wrong, I’m allowed to dammit. You should go check out each teaser’s article over at Newsarama, if you’re putting money down on this sort of thing. Also, go see someone for your gambling problem.
Geoff Johns Talks About New Arab-American Green Lantern’s Creation.
Considering today is a very important day, I found this interview enlightening and relevant. I think the choice made here to portray an Arab-American by Geoff Johns is gutsy, but bold. It’s also notable that we get just a quick snippet of background history for Baz, who so far we know very little about.
via [SpeakEasy]
Did 9/11 inspire you to introduce a Arab-Muslim character, considering that it plays an important part of Simon Baz’ life?
When we re-launched our universe last year, diversity was a very important of the thinking when introducing characters. When I thought of the story, I had to introduce a new character into the “Green Latern” Corps. There was a lot of thought about his background, and that’s when I came up with the Arab-American “Green Lantern.”
What parts of your own life did you use when creating Baz?
My father is Lebanese so I have some of the cultural experience. I also worked with the Arab American National Museum in Dearborn on the script to make sure it had the authenticity of an Arab-American.
An Arab protagonist seems timely since there is this swirl of social issues that Muslims in post 9/11 America have to deal with.
True. As fantastic as the concept of “Green Lantern” is of an intergalactic police force, the comic has had a history of grounding in the now and dealing with modern characters and concepts and Simon Baz is that. I wanted to create a character that everyday Americans have to deal with.
When 9/11 hit, he was 10-years-old. His family was devastated, just like every other American. He’s grown up in that world. It’s just part of the daily life, the new normal.
The fact that the color green has a historical connection with Islam is probably coincidental but will religion play any part in future stories?
The background is in the DNA of who he is but it doesn’t define who he is. It’s more about a compelling character than anything else.
Geoff Johns is a writer you either love or hate. I’ve heard plenty of hate for him from friends, in real life and on the internet. Fortunately, I love him, and his work. I think he makes great, fun to read, yet not retardedly simple popcorn comics. He’s exactly the kind of guy I think should be working on superhero titles, rather than the Hickman’s of the world. This character he’s created, is a potentially risky step in a good direction, and follows through with the theme of diversity that DC execs touted at the beginning of the reboot of the DCU. I look forward to seeing the new stories with Baz, and hope his lineage, faith, and back story are written respectfully and tastefully by Johns, and any other who will be handling this character. It’s a great opportunity to reach out to the large muslim comics audience that’s out there, who I’m sure are craving some representation on the page.
New Writer For Superman, Introduces New Kryptonian Villain!
Even if it was hell for George Perez, his run on Superman was pretty goddamned boring. So boring, I stopped reading it. Being a big fan of Supes, I’ve been looking for a good point to jump back in, and start reading good Superman stories again. Hearing about a new Kryptonian villain, definitely sounds like the main foundation for the building blocks of a great Superman story.
via [Newsarama]
Lobdell — already one of the most prolific writers at DC — will take over the Superman title, launching the second year of the iconic hero’s New 52 story with a new villainous threat.
Working with Kenneth Rocafort on art, Lobdell will start his run with this month’s Superman #0, then will take the title into November’s “H’el on Earth” event with Supergirl andSuperboy. The three “Super” characters will deal with a new Kryptonian supervillain named H’el, which Lobdell is introducing.
They then go on to conduct a LONG interview with Lobdell, who goes into detail about his plans, Superman, and what’s coming in store for him come issue #14, with the introduction of H’el. Here’s a choice snippet from the interview:
“Nrama: The “H’el on Earth” storyline that we’re seeing in the Super-books in November features what appears to be a new villain, but he’s got a Bizarro look about him. Is H’el a new take on Bizarro, or something new that you guys created for this story?
Lobdell: In my effort to re-imagine Superman’s villains, I went so far afield in re-imagining Bizarro with Kenneth, that editorial started saying “Um, Scott — this character is so not-Bizarro any more; he’s a whole new character, with new motivation, new history, new look, new origin. You’re at the point where it doesn’t make any sense to call him Bizarro any more.”
And they were right.
And for everyone who wonders about the “S” on his chest? It is so far removed from Bizarro or Prime or anyone else that you can relax: By the time this story is over, you’ll see that H’el and Bizarro can exist in the same world.”
You should go and read the whole thing over at Newsarama, because it’s fascinating, and worth the read.
Craptastic Review: Riki-Oh (The Story of Ricky)
“It’s Evil Dead 2, Braindead, and the Matrix…times ten, turned up to eleven!” (DVD tagline)
After watching the first half of the Chinese film Riki-Oh, I contemplated not being able to appropriately label a review of the film as “craptastic”. Also, I contemplated not being able to hold my bowels. I found myself through the duration incredulously gasping “Holy shit!” and thus, could not decide if it was a fair that such a strong visceral reaction could warrant a review that would fit into the same category as those of Grizzly Park, DIEner, and Mega Piranha. However, after the title character Ricky (Riki) punched through yet another face as if it were made of wedding cake, I realized that this film was a redefinition of ‘craptastic’: loose plot, campy acting, and grotesque physical effects combine to deliver a highly entertaining romp through a futuristic 2001 (remember, the film is from 1991) Chinese prison.
The plot revolves around Ricky (Fan Siu-wong), sentenced to who-cares how many years for murdering the crap out of a guy who gave Ricky’s girlfriend the drugs that eventually led to her suicide. While rushing at said murdered guy, Ricky takes five bullets in the chest. No big deal. Did I mention that Ricky has super human abilities? No? Well let me explain…
Ricky is a bad mother. Through the movie, he routinely calls on supernatural forces that are never explained besides some references to the devil inside him. This results in punching through body parts, reattaching, then using, severed arteries, and, well, I don’t want to give up too much. Depending on the cut you can find (I found it on Netflix instant stream), the movie is rated NC-17 or R. Netflix has the R version, which obviously means I missed out on more ridiculous gore. ‘Tis a shame. ‘Tis indeed.
The plot continues as Ricky realizes the injustices of the prison he occupies, and he sets out to make changes to the order and mistreatment to his fellow, weak, inmates. (Side note: except for Ricky and the antagonists—the Gang of Four and the Assistant Warden—every other character would be someone’s girlfriend in the US prison system) The result is an explosion of outlandish fight scenes and visual effects that have surpassed the film in fame. At points the make-up and transformations made me directly think of 1986’s Big Trouble in Little China. You know the guy that puffs up and explodes? Yep. Delightful.
For those of you old enough to remember someone other than Jon Stewart as the host of Comedy Central’s The Daily Show, you may remember that Craig Kilborn’s version of the show routinely used a head smashing scene from the movie, seen here:
If that isn’t enough to motivate you, try this stellar use of dialogue:
After Ricky disembowels an enemy, the same guy uses his intestines to strangle Ricky (no, disembowelment is not enough to kill him silly) and the assistant warden cheerily yells, “You’ve got a lot of guts, Oscar!” I hope that was just poor translation.
Anyway, I give this Craptastic movie a three out of five g-bears.
What We Know About ‘Red 2’
After the critical and box office smash that was 2010’s Red, fans of the original film are getting excited about the upcoming 2013 sequel, Red 2. Bringing back most of the original cast plus some excellent additions, the Red series is turning out to be a geriatric version of The Expendables, which is pretty geriatric on its own.
The sequel was announced in January of 2011, with the entire original cast settling negotiations by later that year. Since then, numerous actors have been signed on to the project including Catherine Zeta-Jones, Lee Byung-hun, David Thewlis (Professor Lupin from the Harry Potter movies), and even Anthony Hopkins. Dean Parisot, who directed the brilliant Galaxy Quest but the so-so Fun With Dick and Jane, signed on to direct, which both increased and decreased the film’s potential simultaneously. If science proves to be true, that means absolutely no change was made to the film’s potential. Moving on.
As of right now, not much is known about the film except that the gang reunites to face new enemies in Europe. With that being said, I doubt the setting and plot of the film will play much of a factor into its level of adrenaline-fueled fun. I’ll admit, I was one of the people who was initially disappointed by Red when I first saw it in theaters back in 2010. Maybe the humongous age gap between me and the central characters played a part in it, but I can honestly say I walked out before Helen Mirren made it on-screen.
But after re-watching it, Red proved to be quality action cinema. The Expendables with a little more brain and about 50 collective years of age added to its cast. Red is a fun flick that will hopefully spawn a halfway decent sequel. I’m a huge Dean Parisot fan and I’m sure that, unlike Simon West’s directorial contribution to The Expendables 2, he’ll find a great way to either improve or reinvent the material of the original film, which rested mostly in the surprise that came from Helen Mirren shooting a .50 cal, among other things.
Sadly, Ernest Borgnine’s passing will prevent him from participating in the film, but I’m interested to see how the recent additions to the cast will play against the original members of the group. One thing that really relieved me was how the casting focused on talent as opposed to the biggest names in Hollywood. Ladies, I’m sorry to say that one of the Hemsworth bros will, in fact, not be participating in Red 2. As talented as they both are, Liam felt really out-of-place in Expendables 2, and he successfully out acted everyone in the cast except for Jason Statham.
Getting back on track, Red 2 is probably going to be a cool flick. Though somewhere deep down I hoped to see Richard Jenkins attached to this somehow. Anything that guy touches turns to old, I mean, gold. Thinking about it, wouldn’t it be funny if the cast of Red and the cast of The Expendables 2 teamed up for one giant movie. It’d be almost too much for one screen to handle. Then again, Bruce Willis would literally have to play Frank Moses and Mr. Church in the same movie. Double the Willis, double the disdain for humanity. I can see it now.
Check out the first Red 2 poster below:
Grizzly Bomb 