THIS IS NOT a “Fifty Shades of Grey” Review

Today I’m going to give you a brief run-down of an ever-so-popular story that has a lot to do with the color grey.

“I can’t get over how awesome these colors are!”

No, we’re not going to talk about those guys, unfortunately.  The grey I’m referring to is Fifty Shades of Grey.  You may have heard of it.  It’s the best-selling book and series that sexually deprived and cranially vacant women are going bat-shit crazy for.  The book’s also going to be turned into a movie and is supposedly out-selling Harry Potter (all I can say to that is this is a sad, sad world we live in).  It’s livened up marriages and spiced up the bedroom all across the world, and because most women instead of men read it no one dares to call it what it really is.

Let me be clear: I have never read Fifty Shades of Grey, nor do I plan to in the near future.  Or maybe my lifetime. However, because of my intuitive nature I know exactly what it’s about without having to read it, and I’m here to tell you everything.

We start with a girl.  And yes, she’s a girl, not a woman.  Her name’s Anastasia Steele.  She’s really naive, to the point where you aren’t sure she could actually exist in this world without someone having murdered her already because she thought they really were going to give her a ride home.  She’s also incredibly non-sexual; apparently, as readers we are to believe she’s never done anything in that realm at all, with anyone (including herself).  It’s possible she is an extreme version of a Vulcan.

Then Anastasia meets the dashing billionaire Christian Grey.  He’s described as being “tormented,” most likely due to the fact that he is having an out-of-body experience and can see what his life would be like outside of this book (i.e. better).  He’s probably also tormented because his first name is Christian and there’s no way he can live up to its meaning.  How hard his life must be, and yet somehow millions of women have fallen for this guy.  In fact, in England, experts are betting that there will be a baby boom this year because women got so worked up over Mr. Fictional Grey that they went home to their Mr. Real-Life Dudes and got it on.

Moving on.  So after some happenstance meetings and overall non-existent character development and dialogue, these two end up having sex.  And since Anastasia was so non-sexual from the start, she loses her virginity to Mr. Grey, who seems to think it’s perfectly acceptable to “f*** hard” and then turn around and say, “Sorry, but I gotta get some paperwork done now.”

This is why Anastasia always remains a girl; throughout the book she never thinks for herself, which means she’s not a woman.  I don’t care that she had sex; she’s still a little, annoying, daft girl who doesn’t seem to have a care or idea that the man she says “Oh, my!” about a lot is really just treating her like a piece of meat.  She can’t think for herself; she just constantly wants to be around, near, on, under Christian.  She has no idea what Christian’s “playroom” is, and obviously would not understand the literal definition of the word innuendo if she saw it.  We’re supposed to believe this girl is a literature student?  She must be studying children’s books.  This is what her lack of a brain is telling women:

Christian is a whole other issue.  So long, feminism.  Adieu, years and years of trying to build respect between the sexes.  Christian Grey is here to screw with your goals by screwing Anastasia.  A man like him would be called a scoundrel, an asshole, and a dick in real life, but on the printed page he’s a godsend to all of womankind because he has, well, a dick.  Mr. Tormented seems like one of those guys who you may want to climb under the sheets with, but if you’re a sane human being you laugh at yourself hysterically and say, “He just wants to get into my pants!”

But, you know, apparently all the kinky sex Anastasia and Christian have is “hot” or something.  It made the New York Times bestseller list, which somehow makes the writing and its content legitimate.  What this implies then, ladies and gentlemen, is that people should start having BDSM parties in the streets to make the New York Times headlines to justify their sexual cravings.  Oh, wait.  That gets you arrested.

Overall, the book is about sex, and not much else.  It’s titillating, raw, and passionate.  Anastasia and Christian have lots of it while their characters and the story plummet into literary demise.  You can see Ellen DeGeneres read an excerpt here to get a good summary of the majority of the book.  Or, if you’re like me and prefer something more realistic, you can view this incredible 50 shades of grey poster (my kitchen remodeling suddenly looks so much more attractive now).

‘The Hobbit’ Confirmed As Trilogy. Also, Every Story Now Legally Required To Be Adapted Into Three Films.



A couple of years ago, some of you may remember that in a startlingly logical move, a studio decided to adapt and release The Lord Of The Rings as a trilogy of films, each as its own movie telling the story originally told in three parts in the novel. After those movies went on to make millions and millions of dollars at the box office, studios were looking to fast track the obvious follow-up to LOTR, which was Tolkien’s The Hobbit. The main difference between the two, being that The Hobbit was a significantly shorter, simpler, and far less densely written story, that was originally written as a children’s book.   And then it got shelved, re-planned, re-thought out, and finally years later picked back up again by Peter Jackson, who now, along with the money-grubbing studios that want another million dollar trilogy, is adapting The Hobbit into a movie of its own. Three of them, to be exact, as stated on Peter Jackson’s Facebook. Via [Chicago Tribune]

“We know how much of the story of Bilbo Baggins, the Wizard Gandalf, the Dwarves of Erebor, the rise of the Necromancer, and the Battle of Dol Guldur will remain untold if we do not take this chance,” Jackson wrote.

“So, without further ado and on behalf of New Line Cinema, Warner Bros. Pictures, Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer, Wingnut Films, and the entire cast and crew of ‘The Hobbit’ films, I’d like to announce that two films will become three.”

Now while I’m not directly against an adaptation of The Hobbit itself, because it’s an amazing story, It is decidedly NOT enough story to adapt into 2 movies, and streeeettching it into 3 is downright frivolous.  It’s a pretty straightforward story. Hobbit joins up with dwarves for adventure. They fight trolls and spiders. They try to steal a dragons treasure. Dragon gets mad. They war against the dragon. War ends. The END. It’s enough story to make  a really badass 3 hour movie, with each act reflecting each part of the book. But since making money is paramount over making concise, unbloated, well paced adaptations, we’re going to get 2 unnecessary sequels so as much money as possible can be dragged out of our wallets as we’re forced to pay $16 dollars three times over the course of three years (at least!) , to see it in special LieMax 48fps 3D Digitial Surround sound with bonus cups and collectible glasses! Don’t forget the final showing of the third movie in 2014! Where you can buy a $50 dollar ticket to see all three in one sitting for 12 straight hours, and afterward you can go home and hang yourself because you’ve finally seen Peter Jackson’s ONE TRUE VISION brought to the silver screen.

So yeah. Not a fan of this being split up I guess, is what I’m saying.

Grizzly Review: The Watch

What could possibly be funnier then a movie staring Vince Vaughn, Ben Stiller, Jonah Hill, and Richard Ayoade? It’s probably one of the funnier group of comedic actors that Seth Rogen and Evan Goldberg (writers along with Jared Stern) could come up with in Hollywood today. This, as one would think, had the potential to be a “dream team” to have in a comedy. Maybe it would have worked if it was just a comedy. However, the sci-fi element seems to be too much to balance with and it makes the poor decisions throughout the movie and results in The Watch being an epic fail of a sci-fi comedy.

Continue reading Grizzly Review: The Watch

Pics from Season 4 Arrested Development Set! I Just Blue Myself…

The title should be self explanatory. Straight from Jason Bateman’s Twitter via the Hollywood Reporter are pics of Michael Cera arriving on the Arrested Development set to do rehearsals and/or cause whatever mischief it seems. The sets are obviously being worked on but it should be important to note that in one of the pictures, it seems to represent the good old model home with the caption ‘My son, arriving yesterday’.

I will say that it definitely shows how long we have been without the show (since 2006) and Cera is definitely not the same George Michael we got used to during those awesome spectacular three seasons the show was on. Granted, he will still be the awkward kid who pines for his cousin but he is also Scott Pilgrim and a bunch of other whiny hipster characters too (some of which I don’t mind honestly). Obviously everyone went on to do their own thing but the people that really took off were Bateman and Cera so it’s honestly sweet as hell to see them back working on the show that gave them their starts. Hell, I still remember an interview they both had together for Juno, despite never having scenes together, and they picked up on their comedy rhythm together like no time had past.

Now that I got that out of the way, onward to the second photo…

This one is captioned, “A grandson, looking for his Gangee.” Which is awesome because we can definitely say this is Lucille’s place and…damn, is it 2013 yet? I want my episodes now. Speaking of, the original plan was to do an anthology for the 4th season where each character would get their own episode but creator Mitchell Hurwitz decided to go the traditional route of putting them all together in episodes and making stuff happen. Which I am all for because, if I haven’t geeked out enough already, it’s freakin’ Arrested Development. It is easily the funniest show in my opinion to come out in the last decade. It needs to come back so I can justify my Netflix subscription (although seriously, when streaming the first episode, their servers better be able to handle it because when it gets released…havoc will ensue trying to get to a television in my opinion) and then get onward with the AD movie.

Seriously though, I’m super stoked for this. Huzzah! Seriously. Genius.

Comic Rack: Hickman On ‘Avengers’, Morrison Leaving ‘Action Comics’, & Batman Inc #3 Postponed.

Welcome to Comic Rack! My pick of the top five comic news stories in no particular order.

Jonathan Hickman’s Taking ‘Avengers’ By The Reins.

Jonathan Hickman is one of my favorite comics writers in the entire industry right now. His independent work, such as Pax Romana, or The Nightly News, are already modern classics, and are so innovative with their graphic design, hyper dense information, and high concept ideas, that he is bound to become another in a long list of names that are synonymous with great comics. He’ll be up there with Grant Morrison, Alan Moore and Jack Kirby as people who have defined and redefined what comics can be and can do that other mediums can’t. Yes, his books really are that good, and up until a year ago, he was the only reason I even still read Marvel,(I don’t anymore, but that’s for another post, at another time), because his run on Fantastic Four was so good.

Well color me surprised and curious, because his plans for Marvel’s flagship series ‘The Avengers’, have come out, and I’ve gotta say, they’ve got me interesting in plopping down an extra $4 each week to read a Marvel book, which from me, is saying something. Hickman speaks about what his intentions are with the book, the characters, and his plans are for the book:

Via [CBR]

“The idea is that the Avengers have to get bigger,” Hickman told CBR. “That means bigger in every sense. That means the roster has to be bigger, and the missions have to be bigger, and the adversaries and scenarios they find themselves in have to be larger. I’ve played with this stuff a little bit over in the Ultimate Universe. Obviously, it’s a completely different weight class here, but in a lot of ways that’s the kind of velocity that the book should have. We (Tom Brevoort and I) also felt like that if the book was going to be about an Avengers world, it should look more like the world. Of course there are complications starting out when the necessary movie characters are five white dudes and a white lady, but, you know, bigger roster. Frankly, I’m really, really excited at how we address that. The lineup is killer.”

By expanding their ranks, the core Avengers team will grow to 18 members. While this may seem like a huge cast to juggle, Hickman has structured the series in a way that will give almost all his characters equal time in the spotlight. “The way I’ve set this up is we’ll do bigger stories where our entire cast or almost all of our cast take part in a really big adventure.We’ll do around three-issue arcs of bigger stories, and then we’ll do three done-in-one issues where we focus on a smaller group of characters,” Hickman explained. “It’s not a problem getting to everyone, and it’s not a problem making it feel like everybody’s important.”

Another element that will help Hickman balance his large cast of characters is the fact that several of the team members will have their own, solo titles. “I think the writers of the ‘Thor,’ ‘Iron Man,’ ‘Captain America,’ etc. should be writing whatever stories they want to write for those characters,” Hickman stated. “‘Avengers’ isn’t the place where Thor is going to have a huge character arc. That’s not how it works. That stuff happens in ‘Thor.’ ‘Avengers’ should be a reflection of that.”

“The book very quickly becomes about all the characters that surround the big guns of the Marvel Universe,” Hickman continued. “Once people see how the issues work, it will become very clear. This isn’t about a random group of characters I just decided to put together. This is about a bunch of heroes who feel the same way about the main Avengers as we do. You want to see Thor? So do these guys.”

It seems pretty obvious in retrospect, but Hickman very clearly understands what made the Avengers movie, and its accompanying stand alone “cast” pictures work for mainstream audiences, and looks to echo that in the comics. For a long time, I’ve seen many potential Marvel comics fans be daunted by the prospect of even trying to jump into an Avengers book, and while I remain skeptical about it being truly “new reader friendly”, because Marvel says EVERY single time their new event books are “new reader friendly”, I think the ideas that Hickman has will blossom into great comics for everyone, even if it only ends up appealing to the more hardcore comics fan. While I love Hickman, his work is anything but broad, but perhaps his creative and innovative sensibilities will give us the Christopher Nolan of comics writers. He could be the creative bridge between the thoughtful high concept indie, and the slam-bang action of a typical  superhero book combined for the best of both worlds. Here’s to hoping that he’ll be able to assemble (I know) those concepts cleanly.

Batman Inc #3 Postponed Due To Aurora, Colorado Shootings.

Plenty has been said about the horrific shootings in Aurora in the past couple weeks. Violent crime always has the effect of bringing up many different sides of humanity in its response, and while I do have personal opinions on the shootings, it’s deranged perpetrator, and the life needlessly lost, my main one is that it is not my place to say what is the right or wrong position to hold after this tragedy. I only believe in being respectful towards those lost in the event, and those deeply affected by that loss. It’s with great relief that I can say that DC has followed in that notion, by postponing an issue of a comic, that apparently has scenes in it that could hit close to home for many affected. I’m positive that many who were in attendance at the theater the night of the shooting, were indeed comics fans, and seeing an image so soon could potentially trigger unwanted flashbacks or bring back hard feelings, and at the very least, just be considered poor taste being distributed so soon after a tragedy of this magnitude. While I’m not one for censorship, I am one for recognizing respect, and generally being a decent human being, and being courteous towards other’s feelings. A DC rep had a similar statement along those lines to say, when announcing the postponement.

Via [Newsarama]

“Out of respect for the victims and families in Aurora, Colorado DC Entertainment has made the decision to postpone the release of Batman Incorporated #3 for one month because the comic contains content that may be perceived as insensitive in light of recent events. We request that retailers do not make this issue available as previously solicited. Its new on sale date is August 22, 2012. This includes all versions of Batman Incorporated #3, previously set to go on sale 7/25 and arriving at retail on Tuesday 7/24 and Wednesday 7/25.”

Chris Burnham, artist on the book, said on twitter of the delay, “The book printed on time. I’m looking at a copy on my desk right now. This isn’t a scheduling excuse, we’re trying to do the right thing. it’s not just a Batman comic with guns in it. There’s a specific scene that made DC & the whole Bat-team say ‘Yikes.’ Too close for comfort.”

Chris Burnham’s comments in particular are the most notable, since the actual content of the book itself is the reason for the postponing, rather than a simple observance of the tragedy’s wake. I myself wonder what the actual scene he’s referring to is, but regardless, the gesture is one that has merit, and in my opinion, seems truthfully sincere. It’s easy to be cynical nowadays and paint this up as some kind of bizarre public relations damage control, and to that, I suggest trying a spoonful of humble pie, to put your adult pants on, and try to gain some empathy. I’ve seen too many people trivialize this gesture, and the tragedy itself for foolish reasons, or to promote an agenda, and I simply suggest try having a sincere outlet of emotion and feeling for those lost and hurt by the shooting first. After that, then we can go back to making dick jokes.

Grant Morrison Leaving Action Comics and Batman Inc – And Sooner Than We’d All Like.

[CBR] has a pretty great interview with Grant Morrison, wherein he speaks a lot about many different subjects, ranging from his new book ‘Happy!’, his non-fiction analytical book ‘Supergods’, and even being named a Member Of The Most Excellent Order Of The British Empire, which I didn’t even know was a thing, and I’m still uncertain if it’s actually even real. But for me, the most interesting thing was seeing him comment on his run on Action Comics and Batman Inc, as both of those books have been excellent standouts amongst his legion of brilliant superhero work, and certainly highpoints of The New 52 as well.

CBR: I think a lot of people are surprised that you’ve remained dedicated to writing superhero comics for this long. Did you always foresee a waning of that work, or did it sneak up on you that “I’m not sure if I need to write anymore superhero stories”?

Morrison: The idea was always that I’d keep doing it as long as it gave me a lot of pleasure and allowed me to express myself . And it still does, but I can see the end coming closer. I’m coming to the end of long runs and stories I’ve had planned in my notebooks for years and the stuff I’m developing now is quite different.

The “Action Comics” run concludes with issue #16, “Batman Incorporated” wraps up my take with issue #12, and after that I don’t have any plans for monthly superhero books for a while. “Multiversity” is eight issues and I’m 30-odd pages into a Wonder Woman project but those are finite stories.

I’m not saying that I’ll never write superheroes again. It’s just that my relationship to them has changed especially after finishing the book and I’m not sure if I want to maintain the same kind of relentless level of production.

I’m all for Morrison taking time off writing amazing superhero comics to go write amazing creator owned, original comics. The guy’s work is always interesting, and never bores me, or angers me by insulting my intelligence, *COUGH* MarkMillar *COUGH*, so to hear the guy is still very interested in making his own original content, makes me happy, and it should make you happy too. But go read the whole interview, it’s fascinating.

Comics Industry Booming? Seems So!

That’s the sound of the comics industry punching you in the face.

For a long time, the comics industry was considered floundering, and compared to most other mediums, it was. A best-selling novel can reach millions of copies sold, but a best-selling comic would usually bring in only a few hundred thousand. This was more or less the norm since the last big boom in the 90’s, where variant covers reigned supreme amongst all others, and literally millions of copies were bought by collectors, all eagerly anticipating their value to skyrocket. Of course, when the market is saturated like that, collectibility goes down, and so does value, and that led in part, along with many other factors, to the industry reaching a slump around the turn of the millennium, with a gradual rise over the next 10 years. So now, in 2012, where comics awareness is at an all time high due to the one-two punch of The Avengers and The Dark Knight Rises, as well as the many other successful and well made comics related films in the past few years, (Kick-Ass, Iron Man, etc), and the rampant popularity of The Walking Dead TV show, there is a rising interest in the source material, and that has reflected in the sales of comics in large. Along with that interest, and DC and Marvels big attempts at “reboots”, or “relaunching” or what have you, you’ve got what looks like an industry slowly but steadily getting back it’s legs. Even Diamond CEO Steve Geppi commented on it, at Comic-Con this year.

Via [Publishers Weekly]:

The optimistic tone struck by Geppi was echoed in a panel called “Retail Optimism” in which store owners—Joe Field (Flying Colors Comics, Concord, CA), Carr D’Angelo (Earth-2 Comics, Sherman Oaks, CA), Thomas Gaul (Corner Store Comics, Anaheim, CA), and Calum Johnston (Strange Adventures Bookshop, Halifax, Nova Scotia, Canada)—shared success stories. Field noted that his sales for the first half of 2012 were higher than the last half of 2011. “And the second half tends to be the dominant half,” he said. “It’s an anomaly.”
 
The panel noted that the high quality and diversity of material and growing general interest in comics were fueling the rise in sales. “We run sales reports and not only do I see the per transaction number has changed but, more importantly, we’re seeing traffic increase on a weekly basis,” said D’Angelo. “In our Northridge store we’re having an incredible rise. The number of people buying things each week has gone up. It’s not like this community changed somehow—people found us.”
 
“The pie has gotten bigger,” he concluded.
I could speculate all day about what this could mean for the industry, but really, I’m hoping it means we’ll all continue to get well written stories, delivered to us monthly, in the medium that serves those stories soundly. Serialized stories are a difficult thing to get modern audiences into, who may be more accustomed to what we would call “One Shot” episodes of television ala CSI. A more engaging, difficult series, like… let’s say Lost, is harder for mainstream audiences to get into, due to its continual, serialized method of storytelling that demands your knowledge of its previous stories to understand the current story being told. I use Lost simply because it’s a good example of serialized television succeeding or failing depending on how you look at it, but it’s undeniably comics-like in its range, character, scope, genre and plot. Probably because it was written by comics writers like Brian K. Vaughn and Damon Lindelof. Either way, while serialized storytelling continues to dwindle in other mediums, in comics, it’s thriving nicely.

Hulky Crap! Mcfarlane Spider-Man Cover Gets Auctioned For A ****-load!

It’s still Hulk Spidey. Jeez.
I’ve never been one to buy variant covers, unless they’re the same price as the normal, or are significantly cooler looking. Some people however, LOVE variant covers. Enough to go to auctions to buy them. Enough to shell out THOUSANDS of dollars for them!

$657,250. That’s how much Todd McFarlane’s 1990 Amazing Spider-Man #328 cover is now officially worth, setting a new World Record. The cover, depicting Spider-Man punching the shirt off of Hulk, and declaring himself the new “Strongest One There Is.” Looks like Spidey was right.

At July 26, 2012’s Heritage Auctions’ Signature Comics and Comic Art Auction in Beverly Hills, the single-page black-and-white comic book art drew in the highest value of any American comic art sold at auction. McFarlane’s Spider-Man #1, also from 1990 pulled in a paltry-by-comparison but still high $385,500.

Now while that IS a pretty cool cover, I guess I just don’t love Spider-Man or Todd Mcfarlane enough to even spend over $5 for this cover. I guess I just don’t see the value in it like the buyer must, because I keep looking at it and see another black and white variant. I suppose it’s a testament to the popularity of Spider-Man and Todd Mcfarlane, and a section of fandom I can’t throw myself into full on, since Spider-Man has always been one of the least intriguing superheroes to me.  I know that’s an opinion that not a lot of people share, but it’s one I’ve generally always felt. If I had $657,250, well, I’d probably spend at least $100,000 of it on things that are borderline illegal, and the rest would be split between frivolous ventures and (attempted) smart investments. So maybe the guy who bought this is just like me, and somehow got a million dollars, and decided to go balls out, and waste a cool $650,000 on a single variant comic cover he liked. Now that I think about it, I could see myself doing the same sort of thing for a really cool Superman comic, so ALL PREVIOUS CRITICISM REDACTED! Good Job nameless auction buyer! Huzzah!