Category Archives: MOVIES

‘Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters’…Yes, I’m Serious

It seems as if Hansel & Gretel is yet another fairy tale to be bastardized by Hollywood, or is it? Earlier this year, a film entitled Snow White & the Huntsman was announced. It stars Kristen Stewart in the title role, and is a “re-imagining” of the story. In the original fairy tale, Snow White was to be taken to the Queen by a Huntsman, but in a nifty turn of events, the Huntsman actually becomes a “bodyguard” of sorts to Snow White and trains her to defeat the Queen. Where will the dwarves be? God, I really can’t wait to find out.

Regardless of my fetish for fighting dwarfs, Snow White & the Huntsman is another film in the long line of “Bad Career Choices for Stars of Twilight.” First it was Taylor Lautner in the dung-hole known as Abduction, and now this. An abomination to end all future fairy tale abominations.

Compared to that though, what’s the deal with Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters. No one in their right mind would finance this, but I shouldn’t say that so confidently (see: Year One, Van Helsing, and Superman IV: the Quest for Peace). Upon doing some more research, I discovered that it is in fact a satire of sorts, produced by Gary Sanchez productions, the collaborative effort of Will Ferrell and Adam McKay, as well as being directed by Tommy Wirkola, the half-man, half-genius behind the best Nazi-Zombie film ever made, Dead Snow. My sigh of relief was beginning to commence, especially when I learned that Jeremy Renner would be starring, until I read that Famke Janssen only took the role to pay off her mortgage.


The film itself follows our two favorite victims, Hansel & Gretel. It’s been 15 years since their “incident” involving a gingerbread house, and they’ve turned to the business of being bounty hunters, going after and killing witches all around the world.

The screenplay, which was penned by newcomer Dante Harper, didn’t really make me feel as nervous as it should. Take a look at Tucker & Dale Vs. Evil, for instance. An absolutely hilarious film that was written and directed by two first time filmmakers.

Honestly there are so many details and so much news coverage that’s going to either make me really want to see this movie, or boycott it, but until we see the trailer that’s being released on Thursday, we can’t make any judgments. All I’m asking is that we don’t have another repeat of Your Highness.

Oh, and Gemma Arterton will play Gretel…

‘John Carter’: Trailers, Pics, Banners and 100 Years of History

Originally created by Edgar Rice Burroughs, John Carter is a character with a long and rich history dating back to 1911. First premiering in A Princess of Mars, John Carter served as a Confederate captain in the Civil War, before dying and being transported by ‘astral projection’ into an exact duplicate of his body on Mars, where he lived a life full of adventure, love, and war.

… and scantily clad Martian chicks

The Barsoom Series featured 11 books in which John Carter was either a major or supporting character. He’s been referenced in a number of sci-fi epics and influenced tons of authors in his century long history. So basically that means his movie trilogy potential is there.

Continue reading ‘John Carter’: Trailers, Pics, Banners and 100 Years of History

#21 – Countdown to Christmas: SANTA’S SLAY

When is the best time of year to watch a great slasher flick?  Perhaps you’re thinking about October, near Halloween. Maybe a Friday the 13th lands during the month and you need some Voorhees in your life. But I hope you haven’t forgotten about one of the best seasons of all.  I’m talking about ‘Holiday Horror’.  If you like Gremlins, then you like holiday horror.  Or maybe you saw Fast Times at Ridgemont High, and loved anything with Phoebe Cates ever since.  I don’t blame you.

Wether you spin dreidels, or hang stockings, holiday horror flicks are a delightful treat that enhance the truly horrific qualities of our favorite holidays.  It is the most wonderful time of the year, so why not incorporate some gratuitous violence with your yule tide cheer?  For a fantastic example, check out Santa’s Slay starring none other than WCW wrestling superstar Bill Goldberg(Just so all you Wrestlemaniacs are well aware, he does throw his signature move, “The Spear.”)  This all-star line up also includes James Cann, Chris Kattan, Fran Drescher, and Rebecca Gayheart.  Oh wait, never mind.  They all get axed within the first four minutes.  This is a true sign of slasher genius.

The plot revolves around Nicholas Yuleson (Douglas Smith).  A young teen struggling through the holidays with his bah humbug grandfather.  Luckily he has his girlfriend Mary (Emilie de Ravin of “Lost”) by his side.  The plot may have borrowed some ideas from the Rosemary’s Baby playbook.  The film shows us there have been two immaculate conceptions.  God and the Virgin Mary giving birth to Jesus Christ, and Satan with the Virgin Erika giving birth to none other than Santa.  See what they did there?  They switched the position of the “n”.

Continue reading #21 – Countdown to Christmas: SANTA’S SLAY

‘In Case You Missed It’ Review: Friends With Benefits

Earlier this year, Ashton Kutcher and recent Oscar winner, Natalie Portman starred in a film about two friends who begin to have casual sex entitled No Strings Attached. The film itself received generally negative reviews despite its good cast and director (Ivan Reitman). Personally, I didn’t mind the film too much. It was a nice escape with some good jokes and likeable leads. Sure it was as cliché as it gets, but not every film can be The Deer Hunter, right?

Soon after I saw No Strings Attached, I heard of a film being released called Friends With Benefits. The premise was literally identical, and the female lead, Mila Kunis, co-starred with Natalie Portman earlier that year in Black Swan. I was, needless to say, quite skeptical. I didn’t let this get the best of me though, because the cast was equally as funny, if not more varied and interesting, than No Strings Attached.

Friends With Benefits follows two young professionals, Dylan (Justin Timberlake) and Jamie (Mila Kunis); one a successful internet blogger who is offered a job at GQ, the other is sent to recruit him. The two become very close friends over a short period of time. One day, Jamie claims, “I miss sex.” The rest is history. The two begin a strictly physical relationship with no emotions attached, which soon turn into something far different.


As much as I thought I wouldn’t like this movie, I’ll go ahead and admit that I really enjoyed it, a lot actually. With a more than 20% advantage on Rotten Tomatoes, Friends With Benefits actually deserves it. The two leads have way more chemistry than the stars of No Strings Attached. The story is very layered and involved, with just enough characterization to make you care, and possibly even cry. The supporting actors, which include Woody Harrelson, Bryan Greenberg, Patricia Clarkson, Jenna Elfman, Richard Jenkins, and even guest appearances by Emma Stone and Andy Samberg, all hold their own and give a lot of meaning to why Dylan and Jamie are why they are.

Dylan’s father, who’s known only as Mr. Harper (Richard Jenkins) has moderately severe Alzheimer’s that gets worse with age. He’s the type of character that we all know is going to say something insightful at the end of the movie that gives Dylan the courage to do what he has to do, blah, blah. Fact of the matter is, Richard Jenkins is funny as hell in everything he does, and he’s a fantastic actor. These are two things that are extremely useful in Hollywood, and he plays the role perfectly, as usual.

Directed and co-written by Will Gluck who you may recognize as the director of Easy A, has a good eye for scenery and makes sure to create an acceptable distinction between Los Angeles and New York, which may seem like an unnecessary detail, but honestly, you don’t know how many times I thought a movie takes place in the Upper East Side but it turns out I’m actually in downtown LA.

Friends With Benefits also has a knack for both employing cliché while simultaneously mocking it. While mocking cliché has now become a cliché, this Inception of clichés has led me to just give up and be entertained by the gimmick, which can be somewhat pervasive, but never tiring.

The film’s soundtrack is also something to note. It includes popular songs, but not the annoying ones that you hear on the radio every two seconds. They’re the popular songs that come on the radio once in a while and you’re actually happy to hear them. Example: “I Will Follow You Into the Dark” by Death Cab for Cutie.

If anything, Friends With Benefits is a great romantic comedy and an acceptable vehicle for both Timberlake and Kunis, who both have extremely bright futures in Hollywood. Despite being in the business since children, I feel like their careers have really started reaching their full potential only recently (yes I know, Kunis was on That 70’s Show, that doesn’t count). Also, besides its great leads, Friends With Benefits offers us three of the best cameos of the year, but I can’t tell you what they are. Also, miraculously, Friends With Benefits has somehow made “Hey Soul Sister” by Train a bearable song to listen to during a credits sequence.

3.5/5 Bears
 

#22 – Countdown to Christmas: ELF

In 2003, a movie released called “Elf”. This movie told the story of a human boy whose mother gave him to an orphanage, and who’s father never knew he existed. He was just a baby when he crawled into Santa’s (Ed Asner) bag as he delivered toys to the orphanage. Who was this boy? His name was Buddy (Will Ferrell). After Santa got back to the North Pole that night, he noticed a baby crawl out of his bag. Santa and Papa Elf (Bob Newhart) decided to adopt the baby boy and he became an Elf.

Buddy actually went his entire life thinking he was an elf, despite his many difficulties. While other elves pushed out hundreds or thousands of toys a day in the production room, Buddy could only do dozens. He didn’t fit in the beds, showers, or desks, and he was much taller than all of the other elves. When Buddy finds out from Papa Elf who he really is, he goes to New York City to find his real father (James Caan).

When Buddy goes to see his dad, who works in the Empire State Building, he is thought to be a nut at first. His father’s security team kicks Buddy out several times. Once his father Walter Hobbs finally gets a DNA test and accepts that Buddy is his son, he takes the elf-man to stay with him and his wife Emily (Mary Steenburgen) and his son Michael (Daniel Tay). Buddy also gets a job at Gimbel’s because he was mistook for an employee. He manages to bring his coworker Jovie (Zooey Deschanel) lots of Christmas cheer. Throughout the movie, Jovie and Buddy fall in love.

Continue reading #22 – Countdown to Christmas: ELF

Hero Express: Dark Knight Station – Big Prologue Announcements, Interviews and Possible Spoilers

Welcome to Dark Knight Station, the Hero Express‘s main stop for all the news on The Dark Knight Rises. We’ll keep you up to date on all the biggest bat-news coming straight from Gotham City.

Mind the gap and avoid the shadows; This stop is the Dark Knight Station for December 3rd, 2011.

Official Announcement for the IMAX Prologue – (IGN)

News that a 6-minute prologue of The Dark Knight Rises would play with Mission Impossible: Ghost Protocal at IMAX theatres has been pretty well-known for a while now, with rumours and talk about it going on for months, but now Warner Bros. has cemented it with an official announcement. The full transcript:

“Warner Bros. Pictures’ “The Dark Knight Rises” — the epic conclusion to filmmaker Christopher Nolan’s Batman trilogy — is one of the most anticipated films of 2012, but moviegoers won’t have to wait until next year to see the six-minute opening sequence of the film. The film’s prologue will be unveiled exclusively in select 70mm IMAX® theatres worldwide. The announcement was made today by Dan Fellman, President of Domestic Distribution, and Veronika Kwan-Rubinek, President of International Distribution, Warner Bros. Pictures.

The Prologue will be released in North America on December 16, and in the UK on December 21, 2011. Additional international dates vary by territory and will be announced soon.

In making the 2008 blockbuster “The Dark Knight,” Nolan was the first to use IMAX® cameras in a major motion picture release, and, as now, audiences were given an advance look at that film’s prologue months prior to the Summer 2008 opening. Nolan employed the extremely high-resolution cameras even more extensively on “The Dark Knight Rises”—including the film’s prologue—to achieve unprecedented crispness and clarity and a truly immersive experience for the moviegoers.

Christopher Nolan stated, “Our experience on ‘The Dark Knight’ shooting and projecting IMAX 15 perf 65mm/70mm film was inspiring. The immersive quality of the image goes beyond any other filmmaking tool available, and in revisiting Gotham, we were determined to shoot even more of the movie in this unique format. Giving the fans an early look at an IMAX sequence is a great way to draw attention to what I believe will be an incredible way to experience our story when it comes out next summer.””

The prologue is only set to play in select theaters, and the press release includes a list of all the theaters in North America and the UK where it will run, which you can check out at the bottom of the page. Make sure you are somewhere near one of those places when the day comes. I know at the strike of midnight on December 16th I’ll be at Scotiabank Theatre, cape and utility belt ready to go.

Continue reading Hero Express: Dark Knight Station – Big Prologue Announcements, Interviews and Possible Spoilers