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WWE Monday Night Raw Recap & Review 11/12/12

Raw opens tonight with a recap of the only few moments from last week’s Raw that were worth watching or even knowing about. Last week’s Raw was so incredibly boring, so devoid of entertainment and meaning, that I couldn’t force myself to sit in front of a computer and write anything about it that wasn’t a long, stream of consciousness paragraph mainly composed of swear words. The important thing from it is the fact that Brad Maddox, aka The Bad Ref who helped Punk secure his win at HIAC a few weeks ago, did it all to gain notoriety for himself. Vince came out and told him if he could beat The Ryback he’d get a $1,000,000 contract with the company. There was also more garbage about the “AJ/Cena Scandal”, but talking about that ridiculously dumb storyline makes my blood pressure too high and I start to squirt blood out of my tear ducts like those lizards. You know the ones.

 

As much as I love Ziggler, boy am I tired of waiting for him cash in his MITB contract. I think he’s ready to gain the spotlight as the World Heavyweight Champion already, but he’s stuck in this no-mans-land where he’s justifiably scared of cashing it in on Big Show, and busy supporting Vickie with her inane humiliation/bullying of AJ. I’ve made my opinions about Randy Orton heard on this column before. Short of gaining any sense of charisma, a new warm up taunt for his finisher, and possibly even a new finisher, I don’t see myself liking him any time soon. The one good thing from this match was seeing Alberto Del Rio try to interfere, without telegraphing his interference by letting the music guy queue up his music. If you’re trying to sneak attack somebody, why would you play your entrance theme? That being said, I hate the entrance theme diversion/sneak attack cliché, and seeing Orton buck that trend by quickly rolling up Ziggler for the win was refreshing. He may be boring to watch, but I still like to see played wrestling cliches bucked in the favor of stuff that makes sense. It was great because afterward, Ziggler and ADR started kicking the crap out of Orton.

Sadly, what happened next was pretty horrible. Kofi Kingston showed up (ugh) and defended Orton. Then for some incredibly dubious and stupid reason, Teddy Long showed up, and “on behalf of Booker T”, made them all participate in a Tag Team Match.  I’ll repeat that. Teddy Long, who is NOT the GM, and has NO match making abilities, showed up to make 4 guys brawling after a match, compete in A TAG TEAM MATCH FOR NO REASON.

WHY? WHY DOES HE DO THIS? WHAT IS WRONG WITH HIM? WHEN WILL WE BE FREE? WHEN?!?! JUST GO AWAY TEDDY NOBODY LIKES YOU!

 

This tag team match was stupid. Its only saving grace was that ADR kicked off Kofi Kingston’s head and pinned him, and then it ended. Superfluous, pointless Tag Team Matches like this are the cornerstone of why Teddy Long is/was a terrible GM. I have a feeling though that he’s secretly some Machiavellian mastermind and is the one who manipulates all of WWE’s GM’s into acting out his bidding without even knowing it consciously. He’s got this incredible Svengali-esque vice grip on the managerial decisions made in the WWE, because everybody acts in the same stupid way he does/did. If they came out next week and announced that Teddy was THE ONE TRUE GM, ALL ALONG I’d bury my head in my hands and sob into them, while simultaneously owing myself a Coke because I was right. I’d be so full of mixed emotions.

 

After that match is another segment in what has to the the stupidest storyline in recent memory. Of course I’m talking about the  “AJ/Cena Scandal”. Firstly, it’s dumb because both of those characters are single, so they can’t really have “an affair”. Secondly people in the WWE have “affairs” ALL THE TIME, and it’s never been a big deal. Ever. If they wanted me to hate Vickie Guerrero, this is how to do it. Her shrieky nature isn’t nearly as offensive to me as her hypocritical, stupid logic, and not in a good way where you’re supposed to hate her character. It’s the difference between a well written work that’s meant to draw heel heat from the crowd, and poorly written bulls**t.

Vickie presents AJ with some potentially falsified, but seemingly genuine voice messages of AJ talking in a way that sounds amorous and describing her lust for somebody who may or may not be John Cena. The only message that involved Cena in any way was vague enough to be about something else, but regardless of how incriminating Vickie’s evidence  is, I find it impossible to care. Mostly, I don’t want it to be true because the thought of AJ, my beautiful goddess and future wife, being with John Cena makes my stomach turn.

On the bright side, she was dressed like this tonight. Hoo boy.

 

 

Last week on Smackdown Big Show attacked Sheamus and William Regal in a pub. You know, because they’re British/Irish and like drinkin’! He showed up and KO Punched/WMD’d them, and now William Regal has beef with Big Show. It was a silly segment, but I get it. Big Show wants to get the jump on Sheamus because he gave it his all and barely beat Sheamus at HIAC weeks ago. Rightfully, he should be able to beat everybody in 2 seconds with his KO Punch, but I can buy that they want to build it up to be more devastating than it truly is. The confusing thing is seeing William Regal suddenly being portrayed as a good guy, since he’s been a heel for as long as I can remember.   If it helps portray Big Show as an unstoppable mean giant, then I’m all for it though. It was no surprise to see Show demolish Regal, and Sheamus showing up to defend him after the match. Seeing the bright red welts on Regal’s chest from Big Show’s vicious chops did a good job of showing us just how deadly Show can be in the ring, and this was a good way to build up the rematch between Sheamus and Show for Survivor Series.

 

I’ve got to be honest, I didn’t pay much attention to this match because I was too distracted by Eve. She was at ringside giving commentary, and wearing a very low cut, see through blouse, and holy god… Seeing all of the Divas today makes me miss the sleazy but awesome bikini/rip my top off/strip matches from the Attitude Era. I was glad to see Kaitlyn win, because she’s gorgeous. I want to say they had a good match, but it’s like my memory has been wiped and replaced with pictures of Eve’s cleavage.

All Glory To The Hypno-Boobs!

 

 

Seeing Jerry Lawler come back was pretty great, but filled me with mixed emotions. As glad as I am to see him back and in good health, I’m going to miss Good Ol’ JR’s commentary and banter with Michael Cole. Lawler is pretty extraordinarily bad at commentary, and occasional funny quip aside, doesn’t really contribute anything of value. He especially pales in comparison to JBL, who actually speaks with facts, interesting opinions, and is generally great at being a heel commentator. I was glad to see him doing well though, but I was even more glad by CM Punk interrupting his segment, and pulling off his first truly heel-ish dick move. Punk has been doing very well at being a bad guy, despite never really doing anything wrong, and continually making perfect sense all the time. Him interrupting Lawler’s speech was outrageously douchetastic, and following it up with Paul Heyman’s mock heart attack was so cruelly tasteless it bordered on the kind of edgy, boundary pushing stuff they did in the Attitude Era. Some viewers may have been offended, but good. They should be, because he’s a bad guy. He should be legitimately hate able. To this day, this is the ONLY thing I can think of that Punk has done that makes him deserving of the people’s ire. I loved it.

 

Listen, I applaud the WWE’s successful attempt to reinvigorate their once fledgling Tag Team Division. It’s a noble thing, buy boy am I tired of seeing the same 6 teams fight each other over and over. Seeing Tyson Kidd and Justin Gabriel as a tag team was the only refreshing thing, and if the Tag Titles had to be dropped from Team Hell No, I’d prefer it be to them. I think they could have some great tag team matches with The Usos, or even The Primetime Players, ala a Hardy/Dudley Boyz sort of thing. If they want us to care about the Tag Titles so badly, raise the stakes beyond “Pack more tag teams in 8-Man tag matches”. Let’s get some variety in the tag division. Or just have them do things other than the rote, by-the-numbers build to hot tags that they seem to be stuck in a rut doing. Let’s see tag team finishers, spots that build on each other, and finishes that don’t revolve around one stunned partner getting a hot tag and turning the tides. Tag team matches should be the easiest thing in the world to make exciting and interesting, but still they suffer from repetition. Bring in some jobber tag teams. What happened to those weird groups of jobber The Ryback Ryback’d? Bring them back and have Rhodes Scholars destroy them again. Do something! Anything! I shouldn’t be this bored by tag team matches!

 

I like The Miz, I think he has great charisma, and he’s slowly improving his abilities in the ring. I’m pretty happy to see him turning face, and the thought of him being cheered by audiences who actually do think he’s awesome fills my heart with joy. I can see him as honestly being one of the few heels who can successfully transition into a face, and actually make it work better. Usually it’s the other way around, and heels are almost always more fun, but The Miz has so much charisma I can see him in the ring, or cutting promos with such enthusiasm, swagger and confidence that he’d sway anybody who had differing opinions about him. Maybe I’m just a Mizfit, but I like the guy. Let’s see him get pushed again, and take back his Intercontinental Title from stupid Kofi Kingston. Please.

 

I want R-Truth to be funny again. His insanity has been downplayed down to the point where he’s not entertaining anymore, and his lack of in ring dynamism is far more apparent. Charisma, humor, and the ability to cut entertaining promos can take you a long way in terms of masking your wrestling ability, or lack thereof. Just take a look at The Rock. (Oh snap! I went there!)

The inverse problem happens with Tensai, who I’ve hated looking at for the last 13 years, no matter what stupid clothing they put him in and try to tell me he’s somebody different. Thusly, this match had almost nothing to hold my interest other than Antonio Cesaro giving commentary at ringside. More Antonio Cesaro, less Tensai please.

 

 

All throughout this match, I was hoping that somehow, someway, Brad Maddox would win. I don’t understand why everybody seems to hate him so much, because his speech (aside from being the only entertaining thing on last week’s Raw) made so much sense and was so meaningful and real. Of course nobody gave a shit about what he was saying, and because Vince McMahon came out and offered him a $1,000,000 we’re supposed to cheer for The Ryback to kill him rather than for a resourceful, well spoken talent to defy the odds and become a new 1-2-3 Kid. The ambulance showing up was good overkill for the match though, and I kept hoping for CM Punk to show up and interfere in some way to pay back Maddox for his help at HIAC. Alas my wishes didn’t come true, and he was power bombed to death by The Ryback.

To actual death.

 

Sometimes two guys are pitted in a match against each other for no reason other than to have them on the show, and as far as that goes, I’m okay with this particular pairing. I mean, I hate seeing Sheamus on my TV, and seeing him savagely destroy a black man doesn’t really surprise me, but I see it as more of a good thing for Otunga. I’ve probably said before that Otunga is a great background character, and a mediocre wrestler at best, but darn it if I still don’t wanna see him succeed. If he’s gonna be in the spotlight to lose to the A-talent, I’m okay with that. I don’t necessarily think he’s ready for a push, but If he started doing a bunch of lawyer related moves to complement his current finisher (The Verdict), I’d be pretty happy. Perhaps a submission called Eminent Domain? A new signature called The Subpeona? The Filibuster? C’mon, The Filibuster! That’s perfect! I can come up with these all day.

 

Segments like this are why I really really love Team Hell No, and are proof positive as to the greatness of Kane and Daniel Bryan’s comedic timing. Seeing Daniel Bryan act like an overly attached, jealous girlfriend was pretty funny, and the homosexual subtext that’s been played up between the two is magnificent. I know that generally, all wrestling has a homosexual subtext, but bare with me alright? There’s a difference. A few weeks ago Kane slapped Daniel Bryan on the ass before his match, and this week we see Daniel Bryan jealous. You could argue it’s just a weirdly co-dependent Bro-lationship taken to childish extremes, but I think the evidence is there. Unfortunately they can’t just come out and say HEY DANIEL BRYAN AND KANE ARE GAY FOR EACH OTHER, because about 2/3 of the audience would start hating them and stop buying their merchandise. Plus then you’d have a strange pyrokinetic demonic hell-rapist character who is also GAY, and that’d be like catnip for stupid, pointless controversy. If Too Much couldn’t work as a gay tag team 13 years ago, back when Kane was taken more seriously as a pyrokinetic demonic straight hell-rapist, it could never work now.

 

This match, while entertaining, was worth it mostly for its finish. Along with Miz showcasing some middling ability in-ring as part

Look how sad he is! How could you hurt this man?

of his new face push, we got the great jealous grumbling of Daniel Bryan at ringside throughout the whole thing. He did a great job of pouting while Kane and Miz sufficiently took down Rhodes Scholars, until their eventual win. At the end, Daniel Bryan tried to take the spotlight of the win away from The Miz, by raising Kane’s hand. They then took turns raising Kane’s hand angrily, both yelling at each other. Kane eventually refused to have his hands raised by either of them, until they were all shouting at each other. What made this end cap to the match work for me is that it shows Daniel Bryan and Kane are always on the edge of “breaking up”, and that makes their tag team relationship suspenseful. Nearly every week I find myself hoping they don’t break up, and whenever they do, it’s sure to be heartbreaking. Daniel Bryan has been hurt so many times, losing Kane is the last thing he needs.

 

While I really dislike John Cena, I have to admit he and Punk bring the best out of each other. Even though they’ve wrestled each other a million times now, their matches are never boring or by the numbers. Their ability to complement each other’s move sets, and make simple dramatic tension in a match is pretty unparalleled in the WWE right now. Their interplay in the ring just works, and as much as I complain about Punk having beaten Cena a million times, tonight’s finale reminded me just why they’ve had him beat Cena a million times. The fact that Cena cleanly beat CM Punk also added some long due suspense to Punk’s title reign, which next week will reach that illustrious mark of 365 days. For the past month or so, Punk has seemed pretty untouchable. Unlike many other fans, I had no doubt that Punk would find a way to beat The Ryback, simply because I don’t think The Ryback is ready to be champion yet. I don’t wanna say his current main eventer status is unwarranted, but something about his slow build seemed to accelerate unnaturally, and seems superficial to me.

With Cena winning the match though, we got to a semi-repeat from last week’s Raw, with The Ryback and Cena locking eyes. It stands to reason, if nothing can satiate The Ryback’s hunger, Super-Cena definitely should suffice. The both of them standing there, holding onto Punk’s WWE Championship and doing a tiny Tug-Of-War with it was neat. It got even better when Punk saw this, climbed up on the apron and pathetically whined for his belt to be returned to him, making sad faces the whole time.

 

Raw ending on CM Punk’s weak and melancholy cries for his belt was funny, and really makes me want to see Punk successfully defend his belt at Survivor Series to carry his championship to a full year. Until then, I guess we’ll just have to ponder what poor fate Brad Maddox will encounter in The Underworld.

RIP Brad Maddox. You will most likely not be missed.

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Comic Rack: Hickman’s Avengers Plans, X-Force Loves The 90’s, & Garth Ennis Has A Red Team!

Welcome to Comic Rack! My pick of the top five comic news stories in no particular order…

Jonathan Hickman’s Plans for The Avengers

One of the most distressing things about this new Marvel NOW! thing is the dichotomy of feelings it gives me about Jonathan Hickman. On one hand, I love the idea of a man as brilliant as him writing Avengers stories, that will undoubtedly be amazing. On the other hand, I can’t afford to buy all the books Marvel prints, with their 50 tie ins and side stories and everything. It really seems like If I wanted to buy Hickman’s Avengers, I’d at least have to buy 3 other books to get the full story. And being a total completist nerd, I either go whole hog and get everything, or none at all. In my case, it’s currently none at all, because following DC in this fashion is making my wallet look at me every Wednesday like I’m slowly skinning it in a laboratory. However, reading ABOUT Hickman’s Avengers is still fascinating, and the news of what he’s doing with them piques my interest.

“The conversation shifted to the mysterious “New Avengers” team, which Jonathan revealed consists of the Illuminati, which was introduced in Brian Bendis’ “New Avengers.”“It’s about the guys that very quietly and secretly run the world,” he said. “It’s thematically much different than what’s going on in ‘Avengers.’ The plan that I’ve worked up is that the Avengers are the utopian Avengers. They’re the ideal Avengers, whereas the New Avengers are real-world. They live in the world as it is, which is dark and apocalyptic. It’s very old-school. We’re pretty excited about it. The books will work together, in tandem. You don’t have to read both of them, but if you do, there will be things that echo across the books.”

via [CBR]

This is a classic example of something comics writers say, but never do. “Oh you don’t have to read them both/all/whatever, but there will be bonus story connections between…” blah blah blah. I know this game. I’m not falling for it mister. My wallet shrieks in pain every time I open it now from the trauma of Civil War, and that was YEARS ago.

Cable & X-Force Bring Back The 90’s

I know, I know, we’ve talked about this Cable series before, but sometimes a book is so interesting you just gotta follow up on it when you hear more about it. Especially if it involves Cable. In the 90’s Cable was a pretty big deal. I remember seeing lots of comics with him holding big guns, doing stuff, and having lots of pouches. I know it’s very hip to hate on 90’s pouches, but you know…. It’s fun. I always imagined he had ammo of course, but also just an entire spectrum of things in each pouch. Sort of like an Uber-Bat-Utility Belt. Regardless of pouches though, the thought of a comic being printed today with that ultra macho, pouch-tastic sensibility appeals to what very little bit of nostalgia there is in me to appeal to. Hopeless seems to be taking that idea and running with it.

Newsarama: Dennis, the first thing I wanted to ask about stemming from your first couple interviews on Cable and X-Force is the idea of not shying away from the inherent ’90sness of the characters and concept. Why is it important for you to embrace that, and not run from it? And though obviously the point is to present those things in a modern context, but what kinds of ’90s motifs and practices do you find still work today?

Dennis Hopeless: I think there’s something about badass for badass sake. I was a kid when those early X-Force issues were coming out. My friends and I loved them because they were badass. Everything was high-octane and over the top. It’s the same reason we all loved Schwarzenegger and Stallone and Robocop.”

via [Newsarama]

So I’ll avoid the easy joke of a guy named Hopeless writing a comic about Cable who has a daughter named Hope, and instead just mention how this book actually seems pretty interesting. I’ve never read anything by Dennis Hopeless, but he seems to be doing good work, and I love his name. The fact that he mentions Stallone, Schwarzenegger and Robocop just seals the deal for me. He seems like he gets it, and will actually produce the kind of book Liefeld was always going for, but ended up failing at. It’s the difference between a delicious, fluffy croissant and a rice cake. They’re both mostly air, but one is way better than the other.

Garth Ennis Assembles A New ‘Red Team’

After wrapping up his long running series The Boys, Ennis doesn’t look like he’s taking any breaks. The man certainly is full of ideas, and this new mini-series he’s developing sounds like one of the more tame ones, compared to the usual shock tactics he’s famous for.

In Red Team, Garth Ennis and Dynamite described “up-and-coming artist” Craig Cermak team for this new seven issue limited series that features a Major Crimes task force in the NYPD who make a bad call that leads to lots of drama. The team decides to murder a suspect, and things don’t go well after that. Dynamite described the series as “in the tradition of The Wire and The Shield” in a press release.”

via [Newsarama]

Aside from Preacher, I’ve always thought that Garth Ennis worked better with his mini-series. The Boys trailed off around issue 23 in my opinion, and never really recovered for me since. His mini-series have always appealed to me. I like the idea of him returning to another reality themed book, and think tackling a concept like a task force in the real world could work well for him. The guy has the chops to do more down to earth, gripping stuff in him. He did it really well for his Punisher run way back when, and Battlefields is the only modern example I can think of. I’ll be looking forward to this one because I know it’ll be done in 7 issues, and for a guy like me that’s comforting from a monetary standpoint, but disappointing if I end up REALLY liking it. Everything’s a catch-22 for me. Shit.

Mark Waid Is Taking On The Green Hornet

Now that Mark Waid has made himself a bigger deal with the success of Irredeemable, it seems his name has some clout to it that will bring more attention to what he’s doing. Specifically, Green Hornet. A character who is pretty famously non-popular. Not that he’s UN-popular, which means people hate him ala Aquaman. He’s just non-popular. Like… Red Tornado. Most people haven’t heard of him, but those who have probably don’t have any strong feelings about him. You’d have a hard time being pressed to list a seminal Green Hornet story the way you would with nearly any other superhero. That being said, perhaps Mark Waid will give Green Hornet his.

“It should come as little surprise that I have an affinity for all costumed crimefighters no matter if their adventures are ‘period pieces’ or not–heroism is heroism regardless of whatever year’s on the calendar,” said writer Mark Waid in a press release.  “With this Green Hornet project, which I’ve been percolating on for more than ten years, I’m able to meld my love of the Hornet’s legacy with a little bit of Citizen Kane and a lot of Lawrence of Arabia to tell a story never before told–the dark years of the Hornet’s later career and the one mistake he makes that nearly costs him everything.”

via [Newsarama]

So… Green Hornet will make newspapers in the desert while freeing slaves? And go sledding? Or something? Okay so I’ve never actually seen Citizen Kane (I know), but still. The man at least knows what he’s trying to accomplish. They even made that Green Hornet movie a year ago didn’t they? Then there was Kevin Smith’s comic, right? So maybe this whole thing has been building to this. Perhaps The Green Hornet will finally get his due? Being unfamiliar with his character in almost every dimension makes it hard for me to feel anything about this other than bemused indifference. I really loved Irredeemable though, so maybe it’ll be good. It’s weird, it’s almost like I have to try to purposely make an effort to like Green Hornet. I’m hoping soon I’ll be able to change my mind about him. Or not. Whatever.

Frank Cho Brings Us Savage Wolverine

Frank Cho is one of those names that’s known in particular for one thing. Cheesecake. No, not the delicious dessert, but rather the term for gratuitous shots of gorgeous, lusty, busty women posing seductively in some manner. Personally I have no problem with this. Who doesn’t like beautiful, busty, buxom, bouncing babes busting out of their brassieres? (+5 Alliteration skill)You know what else everyone loves? Wolverine. Now thanks to Frank Cho, we’ll get a book with BOTH!

See?

The new series will start off, appropriately enough, in the Savage Land. Shanna the She-Devil, who Cho previously worked on in the Shanna the She-Devil limited series, will guest star in the series’ opening story arc, which features a stranded Wolverine waking up in the Savage Land with no memory of how he arrived. “The story takes place in the forbidden area of the Savage Land where an evil ancient god slumbers,” said Cho. “Wolverine and others accidentally unleash it, while trying to get home.”

via [ComicsAlliance]

I know this might rile up some weird Wolverine fanboys who don’t want their cheesecake mixing with their Wolverine…salad. Or whatever. All I can say is why not? Why not make a book with Wolverine fighting dinosaurs in the Savage Land, assisted by a busty,  scantily clad sidekick who stabs dudes with her spear? Must everything be so dark all the time? The book sounds like it’ll be a hoot, and most importantly, actually interesting. A lot of writers get so caught up with making Wolverine such a gritty, broody, dark mother f-er they lose sight of the potential to just make him a badass awesome character who gets shit done. Best he is at what he does and all that. Plus boobs! Boobs! If you can’t get behind that, man… I dunno how to help you.

That’s it for this week! Be sure to check out more Comic Rack here!

New Images for ‘Machete Kills’: Lady Gaga & Alexa Vega

Robert Rodriguez is currently in the middle of making Machete Kills, the sequel to Machete – starring Danny Trejo as the machete wielding Machete (…aaah! Too many machetes!).

It will also see the acting debut of Lady Gaga. Both she and Rodriguez are excited by this, if their tweets are anything to go by (as reported by The Hollywood Reporter). So here is her character poster, as ‘La Chameleon’ (image via I Watch Stuff).

It’s subtle and understated for her. Only the one dead animal wrapped around her.

Machete Kills is the second in a planned trilogy – and, technically, a spin-off from the Spy Kids films. It picks up from the first film with the title character mourning his lost love – so says the films website – then he is recruited by the US president to take down a cartel leader before he fires a missile at America.

It will star – along side Trejo – Jessica Alba, Michelle Rodriguez, Zoe Saldana, Vanessa Hudgens, Sofia Vergara, Mel Gibson (as the cartel leader), Charlie Sheen (as the US president) and Alexa Vega as Killjoy.

Vega was, of course, in the Spy Kids movies (the first of which was 11 years ago). And now here she is – all grown up – in costume for this new movie.  The picture was posted to Instagram and Twitter, and is now all over the internet (image via Starburst).

I’ve posted this at the end because, quite frankly, I knew nothing else I wrote would be read otherwise. You’re not even reading this are you? And who can blame you. Look boobs.

The Teaser For the ‘Tomb Raider’ Trailer…

A teaser to a trailer? You can’t be serious, right? What kind of world do we live in nowadays? We’re having foreplay’s before foreplay’s. I don’t get it. Whatever. I’m here to give you some of my impressions on (the teaser to) the upcoming Tomb Raider, pending a release window sometime next year.

Before we get into anything, it’s vital for you to understand that I have never played a single game in the franchise, nor did I watch any of the movies. I wrote this article after skimming through a few Wikipedia articles, and watching a couple of gameplay videos. Most of the time, I just end up staring at Lara Croft’s two lumps of meat, located right above her abdomen. I’m not even into boobs. Talk about dedication.

One of the bigger deals about the game is that it’s a reboot to the Tomb Raider franchise. You can obviously tell from the new, re-designed, “I am going to be taken seriously” look to her, as opposed to the “I am actually a blow up doll playing someone with brains, or no brains? I don’t know. My boobs are larger than my brain anyways. Wait, do I have a brain? Oh no, I don’t!!! I’m a sex toy!!!!”

Trivia: Lara’s huge boobs are the result of an accident on the artist’s end as he was making adjustments to her figure. They decided to stick with it.

Anyways, here’s the teaser to the trailer to the game:


I hope they realize how ridiculous it is to give us a preview to a preview.

First of all,  I have to say that this game is looking amazing. The environments look vibrant. Lara actually bears great resemblance to her conceptual design unlike*ahem*FemShep in*ahem*ME3*ahem. It is also worth noting that the cut scenes seem to be rendered using the in-game engine. At least that seems to be the case when Lara Croft lights up a match and sits right next to the campfire. CGI cutscenes are falling out of favor fast, given how realistic graphics in modern video games look.

There isn’t much exploring in the teaser. The sequence they have shown involves Lara walking on a plank of wood, and climbing up the frame of a dismantling aircraft stuck to the edge of a cliff. To the best of my understanding, the game is supposed to be somewhat “sandboxy”, so this might just be a linear portion of the game.

Compared to previous games, which focused on puzzle-solving, Crystal Dynamics has decided to place a larger emphasis on combat. I’m somewhat intrigued by this direction, since there are already some well-established franchises which share the same vision (eg. Far Cry). I’m excited to see how the devs are going to mix things up.

We’ll be back on Friday to give you our thoughts on the trailer. In a shameless attempt on hyping up that piece and generating traffic to the site, we will also release a snippet of that article two hours before putting up the article for everyone to read.