I wasn’t even sure if this review was going to happen at all this week.  I spent the holiday with my parents, who still watch things on VHS, and do not subscribe to HBO.  I don’t know if the rest of you had problems with HBO Go not letting you log in to the site, but after 45 minutes of trying usernames and passwords not only for myself, but a good chunk of other writers for the site, I gave up.  I will have all of you know that the s’mores I made instead were delicious.

A day late, but I’m still here, providing you my sarcastic diatribe and serving up another helping of True Blood commentary.

Let the spoilers begin…..

I felt like this episode was mostly filler.  At the end of last week’s episode, I was pumped!  Vampires dressed all in black, carrying badass weapons, walking in slow-mo to a guitar riff – I was expecting action, explosions, and swear words.  And though all of these things found their way into this week’s episode, I still felt oddly unsatisfied.  More screen time was spent chanting in a wind machine and trying to fight an invisible force field – I felt like I was watching a high school media project.

The plot line was predictable.  Shit’s about to go down, and there’s F–KIN’ SOOKIE, right there in the middle of everything.  Again.  This girl is such a glutton for thrills.  She gets off on being in the wrong place at the wrong time.  And still, Bill and Eric are willing to die for her, over and over again.  With a damsel in this much distress, these two must start to feel less like knights in shining armor and more like fanged babysitters.

 It also turns out that Marnie is the crazy one, not Antonia.  After Marnie stabs a girl in the heart with a dagger, she casts a binding spell so Antonia can’t leave her, as she desperately wants to do.  The spell she casts is broken by Jesus, voiced by Dr. Claw from Inspector Gadget, cutting himself in the bathroom.

Then the vamps are free to break in and shoot her down; which is a real shame, because they had just gotten the hang of the Thriller dance outside.

 Predictably, Lafayette’s medium abilities come full circle, and he is possessed by Marnie.  Nothing like a crazy witch before bed, it really does the trick.  Like warm milk.  I get that this was an attempt at a twist ending, but did anyone else see this coming about ten minutes into the episode?  The writers have been trying to hint to this for ages and ages, without realizing that their hints are elephant-sized.

While this whole witch business has been a giant WTF, there are a few other notables going on in Bon Temps.

The fairies are back, and apparently so desperate to reproduce that they’ll do it with a sweaty, dirty Andy having drug withdrawals and talking to himself like Gollum.  I was really hoping they were gone for good, Shoot!

Alcide and Debbie are ancient history.  She was pretty close to running away with Marcus, which I totally get.  Why take decent, caring, muscular Alcide, when you can have gangly hate-sex with a man who apparently doesn’t own a shower?  Somehow, she finds the willpower to say no to his advances, and after Alcide kills Marcus, he gives Debbie the boot.  I was assuming their relationship would die of boredom sooner or later, anyway.

 Also, I’m anxiously awaiting the massive breakdown that Hoyt will have when he finds out that his best friend is kanoodling his ex.  It will be classic; funnier than the ‘Monster Box’.

And, as usual, I really don’t care what Sam’s doing at all.

 I give this episode 2/5 Bears because nothing happened.  Nothing.

 [Editor’s Note – While it may not have been as appealing to the female audience, I have to say my favorite stuff this week was actually the Sam/Alcide storyline. Sam proves himself a man, Alcide proved himself deadly, and Debbie, well, she at least looked good in her underwear. But seriously, this was the first real touch of masculinity the show has exhibited in a while. Kudos.]